Work.Retire.Die.

We’ve made it loyal readers…the FINAL FOUR. After a hotly contested opening weekend, we were left with 16 strong contenders for the coveted title of best song to hear while you’re drunk. Feelings were hurt, insults were hurled and nearly 1,000 group chat texts were sent, but these 16 were whittled down to 4. Many good songs had to fall along the way, but that is the simple fact of life in America. It’s a song eat song world and only the strong survive.

As previously stated,  due to the contentious nature of the voting, the names of the Committee Members will not be shared. In fact, everyone was so mean in the comments that the committee was forced to enter the witness protection program and assume entirely new identities. Don’t feel too bad though WRDies. Most of these committee members are complete messes, with lives marked by alcohol abuse, career stagnation and repeated failures in any and all personal relationships. A fresh start could be the best thing that ever happened to them. Not to be mean.

Comment your thoughts below and follow along with the voting on Instagram (@WorkRetireDie.) If you’re late to the game, visit the original post with all the songs here and check out the OFFICIAL SPOTIFY PLAYLIST. Enjoy.

What Happened? A Region by Region Breakdown:

Solo Cup Region

Winner: “Levels” by Avicii

How’d We Get Here:

Sweet 16:

• Come on Eileen (4) defeats Piano Man (1) in a rousing, back and forth struggle
  • These two storied programs battle it out before the Midnight Runners pull away right at the “Come on Eileen” part of the chorus, after which it is totally permissible to yell complete nonsense (even though the real lyrics are “Toola roo la too la roo a ayyyeeee.”)
• Levels (2)  soundly defeats Mambo Number 5 (6) in convincing fashion 
  • Quieting rumors that it was a flash in the pan and hasn’t been relevant since college, the Avicii classic came out and beat Mambo Number 5 from wire to wire, proving that they are here to stay. 

Elite 8:

• Levels (2) holds off a veteran (4)Come On Eileen squad in 4th quarter 
  • This matchup pitted 2 teams with similar styles of play: songs that you yell the lyrics to at the top of your lungs. Levels, despite having no actual words in the chorus, pulled away, as you physically cannot sing “ba duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh” in an inside voice.

Fireball Region:

Winner:  “Ignition Remix” by R. Kelly

What Happened:

Sweet 16

• Ignition (1) stomps Uptown Funk (13) in blowout of the tournament
  • Uptown Funk had a nice run this tournament, surprising pundits across the nation, but gets pissed on by R. Kelly’s classic hit (yes that’s a reference to the pee incident), which has rolled through the tournament so far. 
• Living on a Prayer (3) defeats a scrappy Despacito (7) team of beliebers
  • A hungry Despacito gets off to an early lead but gets a little played out and fades down the stretch, leading many to wonder- is this really how they do it down in Puerto Rico?

Elite 8

• Ignition (1) runs Living on a Prayer (3) out of the gym in wire to wire victory
  • Living on a Prayer’s slow start finally gets the best of Mr. Jovi’s squad, as they fall to last year’s champion, which has showed no signs of slowing down in this year’s tournament.

Burnett’s Vodka Region:

Winner:“Riding Solo” by Jason Derulo

What Happened:

Sweet 16

• Shout (1) handily defeats I Wanna Dance with Somebody (4) 
  • An inspired squad playing for their fallen icon finds out the hard way that is impossible to not be happy listening to Shout, even if you have Whitney Houston watching over you.
• Riding Solo (6) handles Sugar We’re Going Down (10) in convincing fashion
  • This match up of two classic boy’s night out songs end in a blow-out as Jason Derulo cruises past a Fall Out Boy squad that was playing above its head, but still went down swinging. 

Elite 8

• Riding Solo (6)  shocks last year’s Final Four team Shout (1) 
  • In a shocking upset, Derulo continues his magical run, knocking off an aging Shout team that looked worn down from being constantly overplayed at every wedding and movie party montage ever.

Colt 45 Region:

Winner: “Your Love” by The Outfield

What Happened:

Sweet 16

• Your Love (1) takes 2 OTs to knock off Semi Charmed Life (4) in the game of the tournament.
  • This heavyweight matchup drew comparisons to Duke vs. Kansas, as 2 elite air drums songs slug it out. Ultimately, Your Love’s top to bottom depth helps it pull away late in extra time.
• Don’t Stop Believing (6) holds off a scrappy All I Want for Christmas (10)
  • Mariah Carey gives this storied program a run for their money, but ultimately can’t hit the big shots out of season and falls to a perennial favorite . 

Elite 8

• Your Love (1) defeats Don’t Stop Believing (6)  in resounding fashion. 
  • Tournament favorite Your Love handles a highly touted Journey squad that looked a step slow, and at times tended to go on and on and on and on, leading many to wonder if this classic may be…overrated?

FINAL FOUR MATCH-UPS:

What to Expect

Levels (2) vs. Riding Solo (6)

• Levels is so good that Mike Posner wrote a song about how he had to do drugs just to prove to Avicii he was cool. Yes, this didn’t work and he ended up feeling 10 years older. Regardless, this song changed the way people pregame forever and will be tough to beat.
• Jason Derulo proves himself to be America’s twangiest artist in Ridin’ Solo, which is way way better than you remember. Plus, this song is guaranteed to get you your swagger back if you’re fresh off a break-up, which as we all know, is the smartest time to get black out drunk.

Your Love (1) vs. Ignition (1)

• Your Love is a perfect song for any 80s cover band and is absolutely ideal for breaking out the awkward white man dance moves. So basically, the ultimate song for our readership.
• They say it’s hard to win back to back titles, but Ignition Remix may be the team to pull it off. The beat is bouncy but not insistent, the hook is flawless, and the verses flow so well and have so many great lines that it’s borderline impossible not to know every word. It’s not an exaggeration to say this song may be the best song ever, sober or drunk. Match your back “Beethoven’s 5th.”

It’s all lining up for one wild weekend of competition. Come back next week to see the final results and follow along with the voting on on our Instagram (@WorkRetireDie)