Work.Retire.Die.

Hello down there. It may be hard to believe, as I stand here with my powerful 2 legs and full head of hair, but I used to be just like you. Weak. Lonely. Seated. Many in my community refer to your kind as “Sitters,” but I’ll refrain from that kind of derogatory hate-speak. Why the empathy? Well, I remember that life of pain. Hunched like a troll over a computer, vision limited to a tiny world of keyboard and monitor, health declining by the hour. That’s all in the past, now that I’ve secured a standing desk and every woman in the office desires me and my completely ripped up core.

The human body was simply not meant to sit down. Ever. No wonder we barely live to 100 anymore. Early humans stood for literally everything, be it hunting, gathering, or during an important 3rd down at the Jets game. Even when their legs got tired after a full day of standing, do you think the Neanderthals came home and sat down in their caves like couch potato pot-heads? No! They would crawl around on all fours or stand on their hands like men, not sit around waiting for a welfare check to come in.

I’ve had my standing desk for nearly 4 business days and I feel 10 years younger. Just yesterday, I cancelled my health insurance. I cancelled dental as well but that’s because I’m a disciplined flosser so let’s stay on track. Frankly, I’ve seen such a marked improvement in my health and posture that I may never sit again. Sleeping in my bed, relaxing in a hot bath, taking a cross country flight. These are all tasks that can be accomplished on my 2 feet, if society will just wake up and stop listening to Big Airline’s twisted lies.

I ask myself- if my body has seen such a positive change in vigor and performance in just one short week, why stop now?  Soon, I will stand at my desk while balancing on several exercise balls and you’re an idiot if you don’t do the same. I’ve already submitted a request to HR to install a treadmill beneath the urinals so I can catch a quick cardio while emptying the ol’ piss hose. I expect an answer by next week but these things can be subject to corporate red tape.  If this falls through, fear not. I’ve assembled a coffee machine in the break room that is powered by a stationary bike. If you want your caffeine Karen, I suggest you get to pedaling.

This is one of my many initiatives to get the entire office involved. It’s not enough for my co-workers to make awkward eye contact with me as I tower above them, lording my physical fitness like a prized Christmas ham. They deserve the privilege of watching my physique improve and my spine straighten while I stand before them like a prince in high court. Moving forward, I will be working in the nude, fully surrounded by a see-through MRI machine. Colleagues will get an alert each time my muscles expand and my life expectancy increases by one year. I’m told that this is not how an MRI machine works, but we can sort out those kind of petty details later.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I will be setting up a weekly email blast, updating my entire office, friends and family on my health progress. I may do a few posts about a juice cleanse or pick up that caveman paleo diet to keep things interesting but that’s in workshop mode. I want to keep the focus on what matters: sharing my standing story with literally anyone who will listen. As we all know, the only thing better than having a standing desk is telling everyone how great it is.