Work.Retire.Die.

PERSONAL LIFE NEWS ALERT: I got engaged on Wednesday. Everyone say congrats Work Retire Die. Thanks guys, means a lot.

I’m very excited to marry the love of my life but more importantly, for the incredible ways I can now weaponize my engagement into content. You are absolutely nuts if you think I’m not making at least a dozen “Guy Who Just Got Engaged” Tik-Toks, using the word fiancée as often as I can, and being incredibly condescending towards anyone who is single or not engaged/married (seriously guys, get your life together. It’s really sad how not engaged you are.) I always say, life is content and content is life. I’ve never actually said that but am currently researching if that’s trademarkable. Stay tuned.

All joking aside, getting engaged is a moment that feels incredibly adult. Yes, I still did so many shots I passed out at the bar at our engagement party BUT I am also on track to file joint taxes, be legally bound to another person, and pay a hefty dowry in exchange for cows and property (I’m new to wedding planning but assuming this is still a tradition.) Crazy stuff.

To celebrate, I’ve decided to make a quick list of other moments that make you feel old as fuck. This is going to be centered on smaller moments vs. big things like ‘your friend getting married’ or ‘your friend getting divorced’ or ‘your friend getting remarried after getting divorced.’

Moments that Make You Feel Old As Fuck

10. An athlete younger than you is called “washed up”

I was watching SportsCenter and a fantasy commentator asked the critical question – at 27 years of age, does Jordan Howard have ANYTHING left in the tank?

Very hard to hear as a 28 year old. I’m used to rooting for athletes who are nearly 10 years younger than me (shoutout RJ Barrett) but hearing that someone my age who literally works out for a living is considered washed up is a tough pill to swallow.

9. Staying in on a weekend and having the time of your goddam life

 We covered best excuses for staying in on a Friday last week, but sometimes there’s nothing better than closing your laptop after a long week of mediocrity, ordering a shitload of Seamless, popping a weed gummy, pouring yourself a nice drink, and watching 4 hours of Netflix. The 24-year-old version of myself would sack tap the shit out of me for saying that (sack-tapping was a nasty habit I had as a 24-year-old but we all go through to phrases) but it’s the truth.

8. Realizing that your parents are human beings

This only applies to humans (sorry to the animal community) but this is a weird moment. For me, this happened at my first internship, when I had a bunch of coworkers who were around the same age as my parents, both of who spent their careers in office jobs / Corporate America.  It was the first time that I fully realized that throughout my childhood and teenage years, my parents would spend their days at an office thinking about things that weren’t me and my life.

They weren’t just the people that grounded me for texting too much when we didn’t have unlimited data plan. They were also people that emailed you too much and made small talk at the beginning of conference calls. They might have even gotten drunk at office happy hours or sales dinners. Very strange very strange.   

7. Being physically destroyed by minor exercise.

I ran a 5k the other month (it was for charity, no big deal #notahero) and I realized that I legitimately pushed my body to its absolute limit. I could not walk comfortably for 48 hours. I was supposed to go to a party and bailed because I needed to lie down. Yes, I’m not a big ‘exerciser’ but 5 years ago, I could roll out of bed after a night of drinking, have a sip of water and an iced coffee, and play a full rugby game. WITHOUT stretching. Now I’m basically paralyzed by a 3 mile half jog.

And don’t even get me started about recovery time following a minor injury. There’s nothing more crushing than having to drag your ass to physical therapy for 6 fucking weeks just because you pulled your quad. You’re telling me I’m going to hit my deductible in July because I went balls out during some goddam Spikeball on the beach? Doesn’t seem right.

6. Impulse buying a kitchen appliance

Who the fuck have I become that I’m sitting here and looking at tea kettles on Amazon? I’m literally about to buy a $59 copper kettle because I got served a targeted ad on Instagram. WHY is Instagram targeting me for tea kettles? What choices have I made in life that led to me making it into the ‘interested in high-end tea kettles’ segmentation??

 I should just get it right? $59 isn’t that much and it’s pretty nice. Free shipping too.

5. Ordering a drink for the taste and not the express purpose of getting drunk

I still love a Red Bull Jameson (RBJ) as much as the next guy, but sometimes I want a nice Old-Fashioned or a glass of wine that’s not from the third cheapest bottle of red on the menu. Maybe, just maybe, alcohol can actually be enjoyed without actually needing to get you drunk.  Maybe. The jury’s still out on this one.

4. Filing Your Own Taxes

Honestly, if you work at a normal job and don’t have a bunch of stock or whatever, taxes are incredibly easy. TurboTax is like $50 and all you have to do is submit a form that your company gives you and it does it all for you. It’s literally so easy but it makes you feel like Ben Affleck in The Accountant, which is a movie I’ve never seen but 100% get the general gist of based on movie poster vibes.

3. Watching a younger family member’s Instagram story from a night out and feeling no jealousy

I used to watch my little brother and cousin’s social media presence from college or 23 year old single in the city life and sit there wishing it was me. Staying out until 5 am at Hair of the Dog and then heading back at 1 to start watching college football? That sounds fucking sick. Why am I sitting here at a dinner party in Brooklyn like a goddam loser?

Now, I see that and I’m not jealous at all. Dinner parties are fun! Sometimes they’re not but sometimes they are! I’m ok with only going to Hair of the Dog once a weekend. That’s growth.

2. Actually being good at your job and caring about it

Little off brand for this page, but let’s be honest for a second. No one under the age of 25 is good at their job besides actual nerds. Sick bro, you’re working on Sunday so you can advance in your career? Get a fucking life you psycho.

But after a few years, not only do you start to get good at a job, you actually weirdly care about it? You want to do well? You want to get promoted and learn new skills and maybe even transition to an industry you’re really passionate about. You have passions?

It’s ok to hate your job, but it’s also ok to do something about it. The day you realize that work doesn’t have to be completely miserable and you’re going to be doing it for the rest of your is the beginning of coming to terms with the cold hard facts of adult life.

1. Talking about the economy and actually knowing what you’re talking about

To be fair, this is exclusively because I follow a lot of finance meme pages. I truly don’t know if any of my information is accurate but I do know the following things.

1. Inflation am I right?

2. Nancy Pelosi is a monster

3. Jerome Powell is the guy who prints the money

4. NFTs can be screenshotted  

5. They are not the same as crypto

Now that I have a baseline level of information about the market, I am truly unstoppable in all forms of small talk gatherings.