Work.Retire.Die.

This article is part of our Post Grad Survival Guide that we’ll be rolling out this summer. Join our email list to follow along all summer and email workretiredie@gmail.com if you’d like to guest write.

There comes a time in every adult’s life when, no matter how much they make at their pointless jobs that bring them no joy, they look at their checking account and realize they have no goddam idea how they’re going to get to their next paycheck. You have $50 left and you need to eat, commute to work, and get blackout drunk at least twice. Sure, you could “save your money” and “stay in” and “cook pasta” but you have one life on this disgusting planet we call Earth. You’re not gonna waste it living like an Italian spinster.

No, it’s time to dig in and make some money with a good old fashioned get rich quick scheme.

Unfortunately, OnlyFans, one of the most tried and true platforms for making a quick buck, has sadly announced they will no longer allow sexual material on their site. SO, selling feet and/or ankle pics is officially out. But don’t worry, because we still got plenty of options for you.

Get Rich Quick Schemes That Actually Work

1. Selling Plasma

In case you never saw the 2001 film and notable Oscar snub “Osmosis Jones,” plasma is not just a type of flat screen TV. It’s also the liquid part of your blood that hospitals are in dire need of for doctor stuff like surgeries or blood oaths. As long as you don’t have some gross blood disease, you can ‘donate’ your plasma to the Red Cross and get paid for it. I guess technically that would make it a transaction, not a donation, but we’re not complaining.

Estimated Payout: $30 – $100

Speed of Payment: 24 hrs

Ease of Execution: Medium

The real issues with donating plasma are involved with logistics. In order to get paid, you have to do two separate donations, the second of which has to occur at least 24 hours after but within 14 days. If you’re like me and get a panic attack trying to set up an appointment, this is a bit frustrating.

Ultimately, it’s worth it, but keep in mind that the Red Cross only allows you to do this once every 28 days while private centers allow 7 days in between. Is that fishy to you? Who gives a shit? You’re about to be able to get double drunk tonight since you have some thin ass blood.   

2. Go Balls Out in Risky Meme Stocks or Cryptocurrencies

A financial wizard like yourself who can’t manage their own budget will surely be successful in the highly volatile world of trading. You may have just $50 to your name, but you can turn that $50 into $50 billion if you just make the right choices in a market that absolutely no one can predict.

Estimated Payout: $1 – $100 Million

Speed of Payment: Minimum of a 5 business Days  

Level of Difficulty: High

Here’s the thing. Even if you do well and get super rich, all that wealth is in fake computer money. By the time you buy the stock, watch it take off, sell the stocks, cash out, and have the money hit your account, it’s at least a week and that’s at the absolute bare minimum. You have a structured settlement are broke as shit and you need cash now. Probably not your move here.

Plus, no one likes a diamond hand little bitch. Hold king.

3. Return Clothes You Bought 3 Weeks Ago

You’re not technically making money, but goddam does it feel like you’re rich as fuck when you head over to your local Jos. A. Bank and return all those suits you bought because the deals were insane.

Estimated Payout: $20 – $2,000 (if you’re a psycho)

Speed of Payment: ASAP – A Week or So  (depends on their policies)

Level of Difficulty: Low

It feels like stealing when you’re returning clothes you’ve already worn twice, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong this. The giant corporation you bought your clothes from will do just fine without your $94. This is the way less scummy version of the worst thing I did in my early 20s, which was report a $1500 tab at a Vegas club as fraud so I didn’t have to pay it. That was actual theft. I’m sure Wet Republic will be just fine, but I still feel a little bad about that one.

4. Do an Online Survey or Consumer Focus Group

Get paid to share your valuable insights on bullshit like furniture or cleaning products.

Estimated Payout: $100 – $500

Speed of Payment: ASAP

Level of Difficulty: Medium High

These are a little annoying to schedule and you might have to call out sick from work, but they’re 100% worth it. All you have to do is lie about yourself and your values for like 45 minutes and you get $100. Sure, it’s a VISA gift card which is sort of an annoying form of payment (am I supposed to like open a bar tab with a VISA gift card?) but you might get to be one of those “real people not actors” in a car commercial!

5. Try to Get Hit By a Bus

This is probably fraud and certainly dangerous, but if you are really in a pickle, getting hit by a bus or other large vehicle is a sure-fire way to secure yourself a financial windfall that can create generational wealth.

Estimated Payout: $20,000 – $20 Million

Speed of Payment: One year    

Level of Difficulty: High

This is definitely worth it, and that’s coming from someone who got hit by an Uber in NYC when he was drunk and had to pay a massive ambulance bill, along with the cost of damages to the Uber since I was in the middle of the street and it was definitely my fault I got hit.  

Sure, you might have long term health issues, the legal battle will likely bankrupt you and it’ll be 18 months before you see a dime, but at least you get to stick it to Big Bus. They’ve been controlling this country for too long. Their reign of terror ends now.

6. Throw a Pregame with Alcohol You Already Have and Venmo Charge Everyone

This is pretty cool move and probably the reason Venmo was invented.

Estimated Payout: $20 – $100

Speed of Payment: Probably Never    

Level of Difficulty: High

This is a classic case study of risk and reward. Are your friendships worth the $11 you’re Venmo charging the person who’ll eventually hate you? Will they even complete your request?

This is a similar move to my least favorite type of person in college – the person who’d call the Uber, clearly using their parent’s credit card to pay for it, and then Venmo charge you after the fact. YOU DIDN’T PAY FOR IT.

7. Cash Out Your 401k

You have all this money just sitting there gathering dust in your Fidelity account.  Sure, you’re going to be penalized and taxed like crazy, but so what? You could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die before you get the insurance money. Who cares how much is in your 401k if you’re dead as Avril Lavigne?

Estimated Payout: Basically half of what you put into it

Speed of Payment: 7 – 10 Business Days

Level of Difficulty: Low

Ok so don’t actually do this but…maybe you could! I’ll never forget the story of the Eagles fan who cashed out his 401k the buy Super Bowl tickets. Everyone was like “wow what a fucking moron” but you know what? I actually think that’s an incredible idea. The Eagles will probably never make the Super Bowl. I’d do the same thing if the Jets even made the playoffs.

Your career goal should be to get so rich that you don’t really need a 401k anyways. That’s called a billionaire mindset and there’s zero flaws in that logic.