The Worst Types of Hangovers, Ranked
Hot take, but hangovers suck. But some suck more than others. Today we’re breaking down the worst types of hangovers. As always, all decisions are final and correct.
Ranking the Worst Kinds of Hangovers
9. The Slap-Happies
The ‘still drunk from last night’ is my favorite hangover, if not my favorite feeling, of all time. You wake up at 11 after drinking well past 4 am, and for some reason, you feel…fine? If you’re with a group of people (beach/ski house, you live with multiple roommates, college, etc.) it’s easily the most giggly time of the day as you all slowly recount the night over bacon egg and cheeses, bottles of water, and iced coffees. Spurred on by the combination of a lack of sleep, lingering drunkenness, and fear of the impending hangover, there’s a manic deliriousness that you know won’t last, but have to capture and ride for as long as you can.
This moment is the birthplace of inside jokes that aren’t really that funny at all (‘remember how the waitress at brunch thought French Toast was toast from France??’) but will be referenced for the next 15-20 years regardless of context.
8. The Sneaky Workday Hangover
This one comes out of nowhere. You wake up on a Wednesday morning with a throbbing headache and mouth drier than Ben Shapiro’s wife. You only had like 3 drinks last night – how are you hungover? Ok, fine it was like 5 but still, you weren’t even drunk. Still, your head is pounding, you have a call in 7 minutes, but you simply cannot drag yourself out of bed so you’ll just say you’re having camera issues and take this one from under the covers.
These are what we call ‘half-hangovers’ and generally subside by lunch, but your entire morning productivity is completely shot and you’ll have to spend the rest of the afternoon catching up.
7. College Hangover
Child’s play. Take me back to the days when my young, beautiful, supple (sorry) 19-year-old body thought I was hungover. The only reason a college hangover is in the #7 spot is because you don’t know how to deal with it yet. Everyone’s hangover cure is different (mine is bagel, iced coffee, yellow Vitamin Water, 4 tylenol, preferably jumping in a body of water if there’s an ocean, lake or river nearby) and at this age, you haven’t landed on your personal mix of hydration, caffeine, and anxiety cure yet. You might try to smoke some weed and have a panic attack. You might over-eat and throw up everywhere. You might be stupid enough to tell yourself you’re never drinking again and set yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment.
6. Hangover III
Disrespectful to The Hangover franchise. Honestly, talk about a series of movies that just does not hold up. Hangover III always comes on cable TV on a Saturday afternoon when you’re miserably hungover and I just can’t stand it. One of my biggest gripes is that so many people and animals die in this movie? Like at least 4 humans and probably a dozen dogs and chickens. Just not good. Shame on you Bradley Cooper. I expected this from Zach Galpalfannypack, but not you.
5. The Delayed Hangover
You thought you were in the clear. After years of abuse, you’ve finally learned how to enjoy alcohol in moderation and not let it ruin your life for at least 3 days. Your friends complain about how hungover they are and you sit on your couch, laughing smugly to yourself. You type ‘weird, I actually feel totally fine!’ into the group chat, throw on some workout clothes and get ready for a productive day. The second you leave your apartment, it finally strikes… the dreaded delayed hangover.
It’s back the couch for you, you miserable piece of shit. This is what you deserve. No one spits in the face of the hangover gods and lives to tell the tale.
4. The Never-Ending Hangover
The 48-72 hour hangover is a hallmark of post-grad life. After drinking like a Viking on spring break all weekend, you wake up on Sunday with a brutal hangover, but that’s to be expected. You wrap yourself in a blanket, turn on Netflix all day to battle the Scaries, and try to get to bed by 11. The worst of it will be gone on Monday. That is until you wake up on Monday in a fog (your vision is also blurry for some reason?) and spend the entire day just waiting to go back to sleep. It’s ok, Tuesday will be better. Until it’s not. Your brain still won’t work, your pee is still orange, and your stomach bloating has not subsided, despite at least a dozen messy poops. You’re honestly considering checking yourself into a hospital because it just cannot be safe to live like this.
If you feel bad, don’t fret. At least you’re not this guy in Scotland, who had a medically diagnosed hangover for 4 FULL WEEKS. Would you have to like, take medical leave for that?
3. Post-Bender Hangover
As the name implies, this comes at the end of 3 – 4 day stretch of drinking – bachelor party, vacation, random weekend in the city that got out of control – where you are either sleeping or drunk for 90% of the time. After keeping the hangover at bay for a while with hair of the dog and a string of blackouts, it’s time to pull the plug and go back to reality.
This hangover hits you emotionally as well as physically. The dam cracks and a tidal wave of regret floods over you the second you make it back to your apartment, as you’re forced to face all the questions you’ve avoided this weekend. Why did I post that story last night? How did I spend $500 in 48 hours? Am I fired from my job? Does anyone like me anymore?
The answer is 1) so your ex would see (they did but couldn’t care less and will probably mute you soon) 2) because that’s all the money you have left. Could’ve easily been more if your card hadn’t been declined 3) probably, to be honest and 4) of course not, but they never did to begin with.
2. The Guys in ‘This is the End’
They just had like, the coolest party ever. Michael Cera showed up with a ton of blow. Rihanna sang while Craig Robinson played the piano. Freakin’ Hermione was there. Then they wake up the next day and there’s a literal apocalypse? I can barely order Seamless when I’m hungover. I don’t know how these guys did it.
1. Post-Blackout Hangover
The worst feeling ever. You wake up and it feels like knives have been jammed into your head. You slept in your contacts, your shirt is covered in what appears to be either tobacco, shredded beef or mulch (did you face plant into your neighbor’s garden last night?) and you immediately feel like throwing up. Nothing you do helps. You hop in the shower and have to sit on the ground because your legs are too weak. You somehow make it to the kitchen to have a glass of water, but you gag the second it touches your lips. And don’t even think about looking at your phone to piece together the night.
All day long, you’ll not only be battling your body, but that lingering feeling that you have done something horrible and humiliated yourself in unspeakable ways. You’re not in the place to deal with that right now, so head to the couch, put on New Girl in the background, mindless scroll social media, and ignore everything else in the world. You will face these demons, but not today.