Work.Retire.Die.

Editor’s Note – Today marks the start of Quarantine Summer Fridays. Every Friday, we’ll be discussing a new summer topic, geared towards these quarantine times. Go check out our Summer Fridays articles from last year when we were allowed to actually enjoy our lives.

Summer is going to be a little different this year, and yes that sucks. But let’s look on the bright side – being isolated and trapped indoors means that some of the bad parts of summer are going away. And thank the Lord above that these things are going away.

6. Accidentally Grazing Leg Hairs with a Guy sitting Next to You

Despite having horrible calves and weak ankles, I love shorts weather. I consider myself blessed to live in a time where men are celebrated and not shamed for wearing shorts (it wasn’t always this way.) But there is one drawback – the dreaded leg hair graze.

Whether it’s in the back of an Uber pool or on a picnic bench at barbecue, there comes a time in your life where you’ll find yourself sitting a little too close to a fellow shorts enthusiast with leg hair bushier than the Republican party (zing.) You shift around for some space, move your leg ever so slightly and it happens – your leg hairs graze his everrr so gently.

The sensation tingles through your body. You recoil immediately. You look over and blush, apologizing with your eyes. You try to forget the moment but you can’t, as questions flood your mind. Is this discomfort? Pleasure? The plot of Call Me by Your Name? You’ll never know. But you’ll never be the same.

5. Commuting

Commuting in the summer should be made illegal from here on out. There’s two real issues at play here.

#1 is the back-sweat factor. As someone with about 8 total work shirts, I need to rewear shirts at least twice before washing them. I can’t have them getting completely drenched every morning. Not sustainable.

#2 is the A/C levels at the office. There’s nothing worse than showing up to the office sweaty and over-heated and immediately getting hit with a bone-chilling 60° wind chill. This is how people get sick. This is how people DIE.

I am calling on the Better Business Bureau to address this issue and making sweeping reforms. They may not be the correct organization for this but someone needs to step up.

4. Showing up to Work with a Sunburn

One benefit of being stuck at home is hopefully I’ll never have to hear “get a little sun this weekend?” or “someone forgot their sunscreen!!” for another year. Yes, I know I got sunburnt Ryan. I’m the person wearing this face. Leave me alone.

Shoutout my old coworker who once called out sick because of a sunburn. We salute you.

3. Losing every pair of sunglasses or flip flops I’ve ever owned

Where do these things go? Are they hiding with your other sock and one of your AirPods that’s been missing for a week? Is this something the Better Business Bureau can look into? Again, I’m not sure of their jurisdiction but I feel like they can at least open a case.

2. The Pressure to do Something with a Nice Day

I’m all for having a good time, but after a long week of working kind of hard, sometimes I just want to lie down, order some Chinese food, and watch 11 episodes of a TV show I’ll immediately forget. But when it’s absolutely beautiful out, I feel like a bad person for wasting the day. Now, I can stay inside guilt free. I can even feel like a GOOD person for hiding indoors, and look down my nose at people who are outside spreading disease.

If I have an opportunity to feel like a superior person, I am taking that in a heartbeat. They are few and far between.

1. Spending my Life Savings on Alcohol and Travel

Not to brag, but I’m a bit of personal finance whiz. I generally like to maintain very strict spending habits that consist of 3 main buckets:

1) Jersey Mike’s for lunch and sometimes dinner.

2) Purchasing full length movies on Verizon Fios that I’ll never watch again

3) Handing over my entire paycheck to the Parker House once a weekend in the summer.

Now that #3 has been eliminated, I’ll be using those savings to hire a lawyer, and suing the Better Business Bureau for all they’re worth. Which might be nothing (is it a non-profit?) but I still think it’s worth it to send a message.

Enjoy the weekend. See you next Friday.