Work.Retire.Die.

As the world’s #1 mid-size office meme account, I spend a significant amount of time perusing the Internet for stock photos to make ground-breaking content from. As I was doing my weekly research, I realized something – man does working from home stink on ice. I just want to go back to the cubes man.

Here’s some of my favorites and what they made me miss about the office.

#1 – MID MEETING DANCE PARTIES

Ok relatable much? Feel like this happens in my office at least twice a day. Sometimes I feel like the Dancing Girl, living up life to its absolute fullest and shaking my fanny in front of my peers and colleagues. Sometimes, I just wanna stand and cheer on my fellow comrade, like guy in the blue or girl in the red with exposed midruff. And sometimes, I’m grumpy guy. And ya know what – that’s ok. Such is life.

#2: ATTENTION SEEKING POTATOES

Potato can you just give me one goddam second? I am trying to concentrate. The nice part about going into the office is that there are very few potatoes that can bother you during a work day. When you’re stuck at home, it becomes a complete nightmare. You can’t take one step without a starchy root vegetable asking you to play outside or peel them in your sink. Get a job potato or at least a hobby.

#3 – Gary noticing spiders on My pants at The Urinal

The one thing I miss the most about going into the office is having Gar as a spotter at the urinal. Working from home, I constantly find my genitals covered in cobwebs, larvae, and a whole host of insects. It’s really made me appreciate Gary, who always took care of that sort of thing.

#4 – DESTROYING COMPANY PROPERTY

This is how many of you feel when WorkRetireDie.com is marked as inappropriate content on your work network. When this happens, we all know there’s really only one course of action – loosen your tie, torch your computer and then smash it to smithereens with a sledgehammer. This won’t happen at home with your completely unrestricted WiFi access.

#5 – sharing successes with others

We allllll know this feeling. You send out the perfect email and you turn to your coworkers and what do you do? You all raise your hands up in a V formation, spread your fingers wide as the sun, and scream in joy. Time to go home everyone. Your work here is done.

#6 – Helpful infographics to understand sales

This is really the best way to illustrate business success. It’s a very simple equation.

Sales = $

Rocket ship = growth.

$ Rocket Ship= Sales Growth

Person Strapped to a $ Rocket Ship = People drive Sales Growth

#7 – Making a Desk A Home

Gardening soothes me. So I grew a full lawn on my desk and added some potted plants for good measure. I am DREADING going back to the office and having to mow that desk.

#8 – playing with Office Pets

This one made me tear up a bit. I miss my office goldfish and how I would hold him at gunpoint in what I call ‘reverse waterboarding.’ I hope the essential workers are feeding my little buddy so I can continue terrorizing him for no real reason soon.

#9 – casual fridays

Oh boy oh boy have we ALL been there. You misinterpret ‘business casual’ and leave for work completely naked. You take a 45 minute subway, are somehow let into your office building by security, still fail to realize nothing is wrong once you are in the elevator, and then walk 300 feet to your open floor desks before you FINALLY realize your mistake.

I still work naked during quarantine, but I miss the shame.

#10 – Making a Complete Mess for Absolutely no Reason

God do I miss throwing all my papers in the air after a successful conference call. What I miss even more is leaving them on the floor for the janitor to clean up. That guy is a true piece of a shit and he honestly deserves it.

#11 – When your Boss’s Son Shows Up to Your meetings

Most people can’t stand the kid, but I like him. He has incredible style and he really understand the streets, which I respect. Sure, it’s a bit of a nuisance when he appears in the office and no one really knows why he’s there, but on the whole, I actually really enjoy his pop-ins and his tendency to berate the entire staff for being ‘corporate squares’ and ‘cucks.’

#12 – Dressing up for work

The WORST part about working remote is that no one gets to see you look hot as hell. I still dress up but I don’t even bother turning on video, so it’s like – what is the point? Why did I spend 11 years undergoing corporate foot binding to shape my heel when no one gets to see it?

#13 – SEXUALIZING MY COWORKERS

I just realized that I may never see Alexa from marketing do a bridge pose in the middle of a status meeting again. How am I supposed to come to terms with that?

#14 – guy who says he’s in finance but is clearly a werewolf who sits outside my office

Finance guys are werewolves. It’s an actual fact. I know because I walk past this guy every single day on my way into the office and he begs me to free him from his eternal pain. I of course refuse. Anyone who is a werewolf did that to themselves.

#15 – Work Pump Repeat

Most people think that lactation rooms are a hoax and only useful as a place to nap when you are hungover at work. Nope. It’s for moments like this. This is the new mom equivalent of pissing your pants, which we have all done.

#16 – Doing Cocaine with a loaded gun at your desk

I tell you what. Working from home is great. But you know what I miss? Sitting down with a bag of cocaine, a loaded gun, and my off brand smart phone to examine some blueprints at my desk. I guess I can do this at home, but I left my gun in the office and it’s not the same to just do the blow (which I have plenty of at home.)

#16 – French Kissing your computer monitor

I miss you baby. I’ll lick you soon.

#17 – Useing your Toe-noculars

Actually I can still do this at home so it’s fine.