Through a combination of hard work, unchecked white privilege, and relentlessly posting content, regardless of feedback, we here at Work Retire Die headquarters have achieved the lifelong dream of every young boy across the country – 12,543 followers on our relatable work humor meme page. With such a massive following, we realized something – WE NEED HELP. Mainly psychological and emotional, but it would also be nice to have another employee to do stuff we don’t want to do. Luckily, the board agrees and have approved a brand new position at WRD – Content King’s Personal Assistant / Fall Guy (or Girl)!!
Check out below for more information and please email email@example.com or DM us on Instagram if you’re interested. Video resumes and personal compliments welcome.
Role: Personal Assistant / Fall guy (or Girl)
- Create 100+ Instagram accounts. Like and comment “😂😂 the accuracy” or “wait why is this me…” on every meme we post.
- In any situation involving the police, you must take accept full responsibility, no matter your level of involvement or the seriousness of the crime. The current WRD staff have all been arrested previously (for cool reasons) and are far too attractive to survive in prison.
- Help me open difficult packaging, but not when girls are watching.
- Go to acquaintance’s birthday parties ahead of time. Tell me if it’s fun and who else showed up, so I can decide if I want to go or not.
- Remind me of my passwords in way that’s not condescending but still helpful.
- Respond to the Instagram bots that DM us for ‘sexy time you like now?’ and see if they’re real or not. This is just for research.
- College degree from a school good enough that I’ve heard of it, but not so good that it makes me feel weird about it (NESCAC alum need not apply.)
- GPA between 3.0 and 3.5. We need people who are smart but not people who apply themselves.
- Must be comfortable dealing with a 27 year old boss who still plays his high school football highlight tape at pre-games.
- Working knowledge of all Disney Channel Original Movies (DCOMs) from 1999 – 2010. This is where the bulk of my conversation topics and references come from.
- Must be at least 18 years old. Minimum 20 years of experience
- Good at suggesting places to eat and things to watch on Netflix.
Pre – Interview screening
- All candidates must take and pass the “Which Comfort Food are You” Buzzfeed quiz. Mac & Cheese candidates strongly encouraged.
- The Even Stevens Movie. Please allow 2 hours for movie screening and interview.
- Not necessary but tipping is appreciated. It’s the least you could do.
Please email firstname.lastname@example.org or DM us on Instagram if you’re interested.
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