Work.Retire.Die.

The weather is getting cold which means one thing – it is the perfect time to start faking sick so you can stay home, eat soup and watch Netflix all day. Here’s how you do it without getting caught by your boss.

• Do not fake sick on a Monday or a Friday. This is Day 1 shit. If you didn’t know this already, please take a good hard look in the mirror and exit this blog immediately.

• For 1 – 2 days before you plan to be sick, you need to plant the seed with your coworkers. Start coughing and sniffling at your desk. Mutter off hand comments like ‘Man, I just can’t shake this thing.’ Ideally, someone will say ‘Hey man, if you’re feeling sick, just stay home.’ 

• This part is crucial – do NOT go home in the middle of the day. You need to pretend to soldier on and insist that you are fine. You want to work. You love this job, your company, and the shareholders. Nothing will stop you from doing your best at all times. You are an early favorite for employee of the year, if not the decade. 

• Bring your computer home that night. This is a key giveaway for anyone who works with me. I absolutely never bring my computer home. Why would I do work AFTER work? I hate this job. If you see me bring my computer home, you know I’m bout to fake sick. 

• In the morning, text your boss that you won’t be coming in. It’s important to be vague about your symptoms. A simple ‘hey I’m feeling horrible and don’t want to spread anything. Don’t think I’m making it in today’ will suffice. If you start saying you have a fever or a stomach bug, then that just adds more stuff you’ll have to lie about when you return tomorrow. 

• Now that you’re home, there may be some people who still don’t believe you’re sick. It’s important to give off the impression you are trying to work. Make sure you’re logged on. Dial in to one call, where you have to cough, sneeze, and speak in a raspy voice. Everyone will feel horrible for you and admire your dedication to a corporation that does not give a shit about you. 

• You are now free to enjoy your day off. Stay off social media, but go ahead and do whatever your cute little heart desires. You earned this day off. You have been working not that hard for DAYS. 

• The next day at work, make sure you keep your energy down a bit. When someone asks if you’re feeling better, say ‘yeah, I’m getting there.’ Your colleagues will look at you with admiration and respect and discuss your absolute tenacity amongst themselves.