Work.Retire.Die.

*Editor’s Note: Guest writer Old Man is back with a stunning exposé and seeks to answer the timeless question – is there actually only one actor in all of Hollywood? Are they all…the same person? *

In case you’re a Disney+ loyalist, there’s a new hit show on Netflix called Living With Yourself. Living With Yourself stars Paul Rudd as a down in the dumps dude who tries to solve all his problems by cloning himself. This creates another Paul Rudd and continues from there with multiple Paul Rudds a la Eddie Murphy in the classic film Nutty Professor. I won’t spoil Living With Yourself any further but you get the idea: multiple Paul Rudds. This got me thinking… Is this editing magic or are there actually two Paul Rudds?

Let’s take a step back here, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

I wouldn’t say I’m the biggest “TV watcher” but I like to watch the all time classics. I love the shows that you’ll see at the top of most of the “Best of” lists that you’re about to be overwhelmed with at the end of the decade: Breaking Bad, The Sopranos, Blue Mountain State, Game of Thrones, The Office, and, most recently, Succession. You know, the classics.

As soon as I started watching Succession (no spoilers ahead), I was blown away by the polarizing/powerful character Kendall Roy. I couldn’t put my finger on it but there was something about him that was familiar to me. Hm… What are some key characteristics of Kendall Roy…?

Well, for one, he seems well educated. There’s no doubt in my mind this guy went to college. He seems like one of those awesome guys who went to a small private liberal arts university but focused more on the experience than his grades. Man, those guys are the best.

Next up, I could tell that he wanted to represent the company he works for. Kendall Roy lives, breathes, and eats Waystar and wants to be the face of the company. He’s loud, brash, and gets the people going. Seems like someone who would always want to wear their company logo right on their vest.

He’s about 5’10, probably 165 pounds, in shape but not someone who tries too hard to stay in shape, dark hair, pretty big forehead, oval face, part of an all time great TV show… Hold on.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

SAMMY CACCIATORE

Think about what I just said. College*, reps his firm, physical description on point, and part of an all-time TV show? Nobody went to college more, repped BMS harder, or fits that physical description more than Sammy Cacciatore! This begs the question, is Kendall Roy the same person as Sammy Cacciatore? Naturally, I pulled out my iPhone (dark mode) and opened up Google Chrome (Safari STINKS) to take a look at IMDB.

Ugh, different actors! Sammy is played by “Chris Romano” and Kendall is played by “Jeremy Strong”, allegedly.

This was fun… The end.

……

Or is it?

When I was sitting back, watching Below Deck, and thinking about how much Sammy Cacciatore and Kendall Roy look alike, I had to dig deeper. It was my duty to uncover the truth behind who Kendall Roy really is. I mean, look at the resemblance:

Same eyes, albeit Kendall’s bringing some baggage along, same pouty bottom lip, and those ears… It all started with those goddamn ears.

I wanted, no, I needed to know more. I needed to know Sampson “Sammy” Cacciatore and Kendall “Ken” Roy. I needed to know Chris “not Corky” Romano and Jeremy “Strong” Strong. Let’s dive deeper. Since IMDB was already open, there was no place better to start.

Let’s start with Sammy. Of course his number 1 “best known for” was for Sammy, followed by Sammy in the Blue Mountain State movie. But I had instant flashbacks to How I Met Your Mother as soon as I saw the role of Punchy from How I Met Your Mother. I don’t really remember because he was only in 4 episodes but I think he was the annoying college friend who was called Punchy because he punches people in the arm mid-conversation? That was Romano’s only memorable role besides Sammy. If you remember him as “husband/man in clothing store” on the show Sketchy or “white man” from I Love You, America, well, congrats, Rain Man.

Next up, Mr. Kendall Roy. The first thing that jumps out is that he lists his height as 5 foot 10.5 inches. That is the most sub-6 foot guy move I’ve ever seen, sorry if this offends. Then I got to the good stuff and everything started to fall into place. His filmography? Zero Dark Thirty, The Big Short, and then Succession. First of all, that’s an impressive list. More importantly, it’s time to connect the dots.

I felt like I knew everything I could about Sammy Cacciatore and Kendall Roy but what about the men behind the characters? I went to something we could all rely on. A beacon of truth, a pillar of trust, and the one true source of every paper I’ve ever written… Wikipedia. I checked out Chris Romano’s Wikipedia page and in the second paragraph under Early Life I found my smoking gun:

CHRIS ROMANO WAS A PRODUCT OF THE WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM! We have no idea who this person is or where he came from but the one reason to join the Witness Protection Program is to hide from people who would hurt you. You never want to be in the public eye at all and you DEFINITELY don’t want to let the entire world know who you are. Chris Romano definitely didn’t do that, right? Right?  Well, Romano did the two things you don’t want to do if you’re in the Witness Protection Program hiding from the mob:

1. He became an A-list celebrity.
2. He got drunk and told the whole world exactly who he is:

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, hearing, and reading. And ever since that fateful interview.. POOF we have never heard from Sammy Cacciatore again.**

So what happened to Sammy?

He did what any other kid who slacked off at Blue Mountain State would do.

He joined the military, as seen in Zero Dark Thirty.

After his service, his daddy hooked him up with a cushy finance entry job where he helped flip the economy upside down via The Big Short.

Finally, once his work was done saving the world and tearing down the American economy, it was time to build everything back up. That’s right, he joined back into the family business ready to be the number one candidate in the Succession plan all under the alias KENDALL ROY!

*gasp*

CASE CLOSED! Our work here is done!

Or so I thought until I turned on Living With Yourself… You be the judge:

*I understand Blue Mountain State is represented as a large public university but Blue Mountain College in real life is a small private liberal arts school.

**Please don’t fact check this statement.