This is life now. Cope with us.

2020 Resolutions to Make You Less of a Horrible Person

Is your life horrible? Most likely. Follow my FIVE simple resolutions to turn this thing around in 2020. 

1. be Less wasteful

This year, save your 3 most valuable resources – time, water, and soap, by no longer washing your hands after you pee. IF YOU DON’T PEE ON YOUR HANDS, YOU DON’T NEED TO WASH THEM. This is very true and officially not gross.

Rules are rules

2. Surround yourself with people who truly care

Every January, I start a vicious rumor about a coworker and/or close friend based on absolutely no information and share it with 3-5 people. Best case scenario – the rumor about Jim’s affair with his assistant does not get back to me. Worst case scenario – it does, but now I know to no longer trust any of my ‘friends’ who I told this life ruining lie to. Either way, this is a very effective way to alienate everyone close to you in the new year.

I have modeled my life after this man and there is no going back

3. Work Smarter

One of the 10 WRD Commandments is to never do more work than is absolutely necessary. In 2020, rebel against your corporate masters who pay you a very fair wage for relatively easy work by stealing company time and/or industry trade secrets any chance you get. White collar crime is not a big deal and actually both fun and smart.

White collar prisons are nicer than my apartment

4. Network, Network, Network

Befriend people below you in the company hierarchy. Convince them to complete most, if not all, of your work by framing it as a ‘learning opportunity.’ As a strict no promotions blog, we do not recommend getting to know anyone higher than you on the corporate ladder. They will all be dead or retired by the time you are promoted. Just stay afloat for the next 30-40 years and you’ll be fine.

This is how old you will be when you get promoted next. Sorry I don’t make the rules

5. I Couldn’t Think of a Fifth

I’m on vacation in Puerto Rico with my family and still cranking this stuff out. Sure it’s not my best work, but at WRD we will always do 1 thing well – relentlessly put out content regardless of quality, feedback from fans or concerned texts from friends and family.

Me continuing to put out mediocre content despite pleas from those who care about me

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