Work.Retire.Die.

Some of you are extremely dumb people, which is ultimately fine. Not everyone is lucky enough to have my massive brain, superior breeding and the good fortune to grow up in New Jersey. But the sad part is that many of you, even the smart ones, have no idea how to protect your online data and are giving it away, entirely for free.

It’s hard for me to judge. Even I, the Content King and ruler of the Internet, can wander blindly through the World Wide Web, stalked by hackers drooling and licking their lips for a sweet taste of my precious data. For example, the majority of my passwords are some combination of ‘NYKnicks’, a few random numbers, and various exclamation points and capitalized letters. In fact, I’m so careless with my data that I am currently writing a blog that just told you how to access all my banking, email, and premium Snap accounts (there are several.)

I was a lost soul. Until I stumbled across the man who changed my life forever…Unnamed Hot Relatable Guy. This hero was kind enough to record a series of educational videos for Avira, Europe’s #1 computer security software company (fact is made up but probably true) and share them on YouTube, a popular video sharing service. His videos are engaging, thought-provoking and definitely not an example of an aspiring artist completely selling out for barely that much money.

I learned a lot about how to protect your passwords, Google search history, and Facebook activity and decided to unselfishly share it all with you. Enjoy.

google:

In his first video, Unnamed Relatable Hot Guy shows just how relatable and hot he really is, as he dives deep into how to protect your search history. It should not be a secret that Google is saving everything you search, place you visit on Google Maps or video you watch on YouTube. But what are you going to do – use Bing? Don’t be dumb.

It’s fairly simple to stop Google from doing all these things, and even stop those annoying personalized ads. How do you do it? I don’t know, just watch the video.

Facebook:

In his next video, Unnamed Relatable Hot guy delivers a gripping performance, bravely soldiering on after the client cut all his jokes because they felt mean-spirited and not even that funny.

This video is chock full of useful tips, including how to prevent advertisers from accessing your data, reading all your Facebook messages, and tracking you even once you leave Facebook.

It also randomly has 7.5k views. YouTube user Succulent has gone so far as to call it ‘epic sauce,’ which I tend to agree with.

Please also do me a favor and ignore the below comment from user Matthew Lamson.

Luckily, Unnamed Relatable Hot Guy does not completely spiral out after negative feedback and let it ruin his entire week. Please don’t worry about him at all! A lesser man would be ruined by this but not our square jawed wonder.

password manager:

In his final video, our handsome and heroic potential full time influencer delivers a stunning sermon on Password Safety. So stirring is his performance that you can barely tell that just seconds beforehand, the client had yelled at him for his shirt being wrinkled and way too dark for the lighting. You would have no idea that she explained that she had specifically asked him to wear a light colored shirt for this exact reason, to which he responded ‘Oh sorry I didn’t really read the email you sent.’ What a smart move by him on his first paid brand collaboration!

I learned a lot of stuff from this one, especially how to sync all my passwords on one Avira App, available in the App store and also completely safe from hackers.

Please for the love of God, learn to protect your online data before this hot young man comes and forces you to.