*EDITOR”S NOTE: Over the past few months, WRD has become THE trusted site in hard-hitting news, delivered to our readers weeks to months to years after the fact. However, our investors want us to grow our audience and demanded that we expand our news capabilities. I’m not usually one to give in to demands, but it’s hard to say no to a board of Mark Cuban, the cast of Even Stevens, and my friend’s rich dad who thinks this is a dating app. As such, we will be breaking news from time to time. We have sources that you wouldn’t believe- why not utilize them? We are proud to announce our first scoop which is real and not fake. I hope you’re happy Shia LeBouf.
Mike Pence Will Likely Change His Name to Mike Pants (Pending Legislation)
Our first scoop could rock this fragile nation to its very core. According to several high ranking White House aides, Mike Pence will change his name to Mike Pants if he gets 200k retweets. Yes you read that right. Mike Pants. A cynic would call this a desperate ploy for social media engagement with the youth of America ahead of the mid-term elections. However, many of my sources within the White House believe Pence is serious and will probably make the change even if he only gets a few likes and quote retweets. According to one staffer extremely close to the Vice President, “Mike has always loved pants and wears them most days. Why not make that his last name?”
Another anonymous source who definitely exists thinks that this may have more to do with Pence’s daddy issues and need to break free from his father’s shadow. “Mike’s dad ran a bunch of gas stations back in the 60s. That’s fucking sick. How do you top that? People were always going to know him as Edward Pence Jr’s kid.” That’s a good quote from my friend Jimmy. I will be the first to admit that when I heard he was on the ticket I thought “hey isn’t that the son of that gas station owner from Indiana?” Can’t say I blame ol’ Mikey Long Pants.
I know what you’re thinking- hey Content King, your only sources are made up quotes from your friend Jimmy who interned for a Senator one summer. Well hater, here is my final point of proof…Mrs. Pence herself. I slept with Mrs. Pence last week (they have an open marriage) and she confirmed that she could soon be Mrs. Pants. As an avid pants lover herself (mainly satin and polyester), she is pretty excited about the name change. She had this to say about her new name: “That was the best sex of my life. You are as skilled as you are passionate. I quiver in sorrow thinking of the day you ever leave me.” I hate to spill pillow talk secrets between lovers, but in the interest of journalistic integrity, it was necessary to confirm beyond any reasonable doubt that this story is true.
Unfortunately, Pence’s dream may be on hold for the foreseeable future, as any name change from a Vice President requires a majority vote from the House, Senate, and the local high school’s student council. In this political climate, that could take years. Honestly could be for the best. It’ll be a goddam nightmare to change his name on all his J-Crew reward cards. Plus, as a fan of Adidas, he will hate searching his own name.