***NEW SEGMENT ALERT***
Here at WRD, we know that we were put on this Earth to do 1 thing: arm our loyal readers with a treasure chest of content that both entertains, informs and seduces (attractive people only !!! ) Today we unleash the newest tool in your professional arsenal: Buzzword Dictionary. Corporate-speak is a language all of its own and it would take a Harvard linguist professor many lifetimes to master. Luckily for you, I am a genius and have already figured it all out. Because I am one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, I will be sharing my knowledge, free of charge.
Each week we will be defining three (3) corporate buzzwords. Comment below or reach out to me at email@example.com if you have suggestions for more words you want defined. Or just text me since I am personable as all heck and you’re probably someone who knows me.
POST 1: FEBRUARY 15TH
1. Talk Offline (verb)
Definition 1: A plan to discuss something outside of the broader group with a smaller collection of people at a later time.
David: Hey Jim what’s the status on the Johnson deal?
Jim (completely forgot about the Johnson deal and hasn’t done a single thing): Hey David not sure that pertains to everyone here let’s talk about that one offline.
Definition 2: When your friend brings something up in front of someone who wasn’t supposed to know about it and you need to end the conversation.
Friend 1 (to Friend 2): Yeah dude it’s going to be a sick party everyone will be there.
Me (walking up): What party? Sounds like an absolute blast! You guys know I love parties.
Friend 1: Oh, didn’t see you there. There’s no party.
Friend 2: Wait what? You just said it was going to be sick with everyone there.
Friend 1 (trying to whisper): Yo be cool Friend 2. Let’s talk about it offline.
Me: Guys I’m right here. I can hear every word you’re saying.
2. Level-Set (verb)
Definition 1: To make sure everyone is on the same page and up to speed with a project.
Manager on a conference call: Hi everyone. I just wanted to run through a quick status update on the Nestle account to level-set ahead of the big meeting tomorrow.
Carl: Fuck dude, I hate these calls. Complete waste of time.
Manager: You’re not on mute Carl.
Definition 2: To manage expectations so you don’t disappoint someone.
Guy: Look I just want to level-set expectations with you and make sure I’m not leading you on. You’re great and all, but I’m not looking for a girlfriend. I hope I didn’t hurt you.
Girl: No, I was literally just about to break up with you. No one should cry after sex as much as you do.
Guy: You sound just like my ex-therapist.
3. Bandwidth (noun)
Definition 1: The amount of physical or mental labor that you can do at one time.
Manager: Hey do you have any bandwidth to take on an additional project?
Me (spending 5 hours a day on G-chat and ESPN): Hmm, I’m really busy right now with all that’s going on. Do you want me to see if I can carve out some extra time or pass off any of these projects? Would hate for something to fall through the cracks.
Manager: No, no I’ll ask someone else to do it. Your diligence does not go unnoticed by the way. Consider yourself promoted!
Definition 2: The amount of energy you have to interact socially or go out on the weekends.
Friend 1: Yo let’s go out tonight. I heard there’s an open bar at Penny Farthing.
Friend 2: Dude I’ve had a crazy week of work and went out for drinks last night. Just don’t have the bandwidth tonight.
Friend 1: Fine we’ll get some rest and stay in and play Fortnite until 3 am again.
1. Out of Scope (descriptive adj.)
Definition 1: An activity that falls outside the boundaries of what was agreed upon.
Boss: Hey can you stay late this Friday? We gotta wrap up that presentation for next week.
Me: Actually, it’s Summer Fridays so that’s out of scope for me.
Boss: It’s February.
Me: Not in Australia.
Boss (to himself): Jesus this kid’s a genius.
Definition 2: Something that’s beyond what you’re willing to do.
Girl: I had a really nice night with you.
Guy: Me too. I love pottery. (Pause) It seems a shame to end the night so early. Can I come up to your place?
Girl: On the first date? That seems a bit out of scope doesn’t it?
Guy: Yeah you’re right (mutters under his breath) how am I going to kill you now.
Definition 3: When you’re out of Crest Scope toothpaste
“Hey can you run to the store? We’re out of Scope.”
2. Deep Dive (verb)
Definition 1: To do a ton of mostly unnecessary work for a project that’ll probably get cancelled.
Boss: Can you do a deep dive on Company X to see if it’s a worthwhile investment? Need it first thing tomorrow morning.
Manager: Yes sir-I will handle that personally.
Manager (to intern): How do you feel about not sleeping tonight?
Intern (a vampire who doesn’t sleep): Sure. I’m excited to sink my teeth into it. Turns to the camera and winks.
Definition 2: To perform thorough analysis on a subject matter or problem
Therapist: So do you think your parents’ moving 10 times before you were 11 led to your feelings of loneliness and isolation?
Me: No that didn’t really start until I started talking to my invisible friend James. That was 8th grade.
James (sitting next to me and definitely visible): Invisible? Fuck you dude- I’m your only friend. I don’t even know why I agreed to come to this with you.
Me: Shut up bro. Now it looks like I’m talking to myself.
Therapist: Ok let’s deep dive into this one.
3. Pick Your Brain (verb)
Definition 1: To share your valuable knowledge with someone for free.
Boss: Hey, are you free later? I’d love for you to meet with the new hire Ryan so he can pick your brain on what you’ve been working on.
Tony: Are you sure you’re not just having me train Ryan so you can eventually fire me without missing a beat?
Boss: What would make you say that?
Tony: The to-do list on your desk that says “have Tony train his new replacement Ryan and then fire him so we don’t miss a beat”
Boss slowly crosses off “Humiliate Tony while asking him to train his new replacement Ryan before I fire him so we don’t miss a bit” from his to-do list.
Definition 2: To ask someone’s opinion on something.
Fiancee: So glad I found you. The flowers for our wedding just came and I would love to pick your brain.
Me: Go ahead.
Fiancee: Ok I pick…Martha Stewart.
Me: Oh like literally pick my brain. Like select my brain.
Me: Funny stuff.
Fiancee: Thanks. Might put it on my blog.
Me: I wouldn’t.
POST 3: 3/1
1. Best Practice (noun)
Definition 1: Procedures or ways of doing things that are accepted as being correct.
Manager: Hey Chris, just so we’re clear, calling a client a coward for rejecting your pitch is really not best practice.
Chris: Noooo that wasn’t about the pitch. That was because I slept with his wife.
Manager: Oh nice- she’s super hot man.
Chris: She also has a great personality you shallow piece of shit.
Definition 2: The most effective or efficient way to do something.
Guy 1: Dudeeeee I’m so fucked up. Been pouring vodka straight into my beers all night.
Guy 2: Seriously dude? That’s probably not best practice.
Guy 1: You’re right Guy 2. The girl that I love is getting on a plane and I’m just sitting here. What am I doing?
Guy 2: I meant the vodka beers but ya know what? Go get her man.
Guy 1 (standing up and wobbling): How am I going to get there? I can’t drive my car.
Guy 2: Oh no worries- just take mine. Tosses Guy 1 the keys. Don’t forget the fill up the tank when you’re done! Smiles and shakes his head, chuckling at that goddam dreamer.
Definition 3: When you and your teammates have the best practice you’ve ever had : )
Coach: Great work fellas! That was our best practice yet! Snow-cones on me!
Kid: Are you going to pretend to not have cash and ask us to spot you like last time?
2. Alignment (noun)
Definition 1: When everyone is in agreement on something
Jim: Ok so we’re all in alignment on next steps right? Everyone knows what they have to do?
Bruce: Yes. Rescue my wife from the terrorists Hans Gruber.
Jim: Bruce- you’re not in Die Hard anymore. You’re a CPA now.
Bruce: Right. I can see dead people.
Jim: No that’s the kid. And again, this is a corporate office. Not Sixth Sense.
Bruce: Ok. Pulp fiction.
Jim: We’re done here.
Definition 2: To be on the same page as someone else
Randy: What happened to you and Jessica man? She seems pretty upset.
Frank: Turns out we weren’t in alignment on what our relationship was.
Randy: What do you mean?
Frank: Well, I told her that if we were officially dating, we should stop seeing other people.
Randy: Seems fair.
Frank: So she cut out her eyeballs. So she couldn’t see other people.
Randy: Kinda on you for not being more specific.
3. Key Takeaways
Definition 1: An important point to be taken from the information presented.
Manager (in a meeting with his team): Hey gang, let’s go over the meeting from this morning. Sarah- what’d you learn?
Sarah: Well my key take-away was that Plan B does not work 100% of the time.
Manager: I meant the budget review. Not your doctor’s appointment.
Sarah: Well I’m pregnant. It’s yours. And I’m keeping it.
Manager: Can you not do this in front of everyone?
Ryan: Can you name him Ryan?
Definition 2: An important turnover late in a football game
Malcolm Butler’s interception in the Super Bowl against the Seahawks was a key takeaway.
1. Circle Back (verb)
Definition (office): To re-visit an issue or request.
Employee: Hey boss, just circling back on your ask for the Peterson account. Which books did you want me to cook?
Boss: The Peterson finances…we need to hit our Q4 numbers and may have to be a little creative.
Employee: Ok so I completely misunderstood.
Cut to a smoking oven filled to the brim with burning books.
Employee: It was going to be War and Peas.
Definition (real world): To passive aggressively remind someone about something.
Guy (texting a girl): Hey are you free for drinks on Saturday?
Girl does not respond.
Guy: Hey just circling back on this. Does tonight work?
Girl: Sorry, but I actually just started seeing someone.
Guy: That’s too bad. Who is it?
Girl: The Content King. He’s everything you’d want in a man.
Guy: Oh totally understand. I hear he has a really nice body and everyone likes and respects him.
2. Deliverable (noun)
Definition (work): Goods or services to be provided at the end of a project.
Chris: How’d everyone think that meeting went?
Mike: Can we talk about one of the deliverables for the client? The presentation should be fine, but do we really have to text him that he’s handsome twice a day?
Chris: You’re right. 3 times a day is better.
Definition (real life): Something you are supposed to bring or perform for an event.
Jake: Where are the girls dude? That was your ONE deliverable for this party.
Jason: Honestly, they didn’t want to come. You kind of creeped them out last time.
Jake: Oh a man’s not allowed to conduct a seance in his own home anymore?
Jason: I think it was more about you making everyone watch The Notebook and weeping for 4 hours straight.
Jake: That’ll do it.
3.Regroup Internally (verb)
Definition (work): When you re-assemble as a group after a meeting or call to discuss next steps.
Client: So that’s the brief. Any questions on your end?
Manager: Nope! All good here. We’ll regroup internally and get back to you by end of week.
Manager hangs up the phone.
Manager: Ok so what happened during that call? I was completely asleep.
Employee: We know. You were snoring and muttering in your sleep “Don’t kill me, kill my employees! They’re incompetent and I despise them!”
Manager: Oh I was awake for that.
Definition (real world): To get on the same page with someone else before giving a final answer.
Teenager: Can I go to Sarah’s party tonight? All my friends will be there.
Mom: Probably! Your father and I will regroup internally and get back to you.
Teenager leaves the room.
Mom: There’s no way that fucking kid is going to that party.
Dad: If my child has fun in high school I will consider it a personal failure.
Definition (work): Something that can be achieved with little effort or work.
Boss: We need to overdrive our Q3 sales. What’s some low-hanging fruit we can take care of right away?
Employee: Well first off, maybe we should start charging consumers for our products.
Boss: You’re a goddam genius Jim.
Definition (real life): Obvious opportunities to improve something in your life
Real Life Example:
Guy 1: Dude I really want a girlfriend.
Guy 2: Maybe you should start brushing your teeth more than once a week. Seems like low-hanging fruit.
Guy 1: Oh I’m sorry- I didn’t realize toothpaste just grew on trees, Mr. Moneybags.
Camera pans out to reveal they are in a forest full of blossoming trees, their sturdy branches bearing countless Crest Complete Whitening Scope toothpaste (the green kind.) There is so much freakin’ toothpaste it’s not even funny. Well, it is funny, but only like in a “you had to be there” kind of way. A strong breeze blows through and a limb sags to the ground, and one tube grazes the soft grass. It is now a low-hanging fruit. Guy 2 picks it up and hands to Guy 1.
Guy 2: Mr. Moneybags is my father. Just call me Mr.
Definition (work): A defining strength that separates a company from its competition
Reporter: So what distinguishes your company from all the others? What are some of your core competencies?
Arby’s CEO: Well, we have the meats.
Reporter: Ah yes yes, of course.
Definition (real life): Personal strengths or abilities.
Real Life Example:
Friend 1: Yo do you want to come over and smoke?
Friend 2: Ehhh I haven’t smoked weed since college. Not really a core competency of mine anymore.
Friend 1: Oh no, I meant crack.
Friend 2: It has been a while since I’ve ruined my life….
Definition (work): the contribution you make to your company and/or the reason you have a job.
Boss: Look Kyle, I need you to pick it up. Layoffs may be coming and all you did is look at memes on your phone. Can you show some value add?
Kyle is sitting at his desk, looking at his phone and not paying attention in the slightest.
Kyle: Hey boss, glad I got you here. Check out this meme from @WorkRetireDie, affectionately called the Content King by his peers.
Boss: Ok that’s pretty funny. And he seems like a catch!
Definition (real life): The reason people would want you around.
Real Life Example:
Chip: Yo why isn’t Jason invited to your beach house this weekend?
Tony: Honestly, he just kinda sucks. He talks too much, doesn’t help clean, and never pays for anything.
Chip: Yeah, he’s got no value add.