Work.Retire.Die.

For a few sweet months of the year, Sundays are filled with great joy for me. It’s football season and I either get to watch the Jets lose, see my fantasy team crash and burn, or have all the teams I bet on lose by 30 points. Well, as many of you know, last Sunday was the Super Bowl and I was there in Philly to riot for the win. Check out my sick blog about the madness there. But that means from now on, we won’t have football to get us through Sunday’s any more. And that is not good at all.

Sundays may be the Lord’s day, but make no mistake, they are sent from the devil himself. We’ve all heard of the Sunday Scaries. You’re chugging along through your day off, enjoying a bit of laziness. As the night starts to approach, the anxiety about the coming week begins to mount. You start worrying about your job or school or the missle crisis in North Korea. The walls are caving in. It’s the fucking worst and I wish you luck when it happens but I can’t help you beat them. If I knew how to defeat Sunday Scaries I’d do it myself. Would probably be the richest man in the world but that’s beside the point. No, this blog is to teach you about all that comes before the scaries. Many people do not know how to be properly lazy and it’s embarrassing. As one of the laziest people on the Internet, I feel it is only right to share my gift with you.

Sundays are for wallowing. There’s no way around it. You’re completely hungover and demoralized from the weekend. You’ve spent all the money you have on alcohol and other weekend needs (wink). You’re fat and disgusting from eating like garbage and not doing a second of exercise. The filth in your apartment has started to accumulate so bad that you’re worried it may be a health code violation (it is.) Your behavior and conduct this weekend was so unacceptable that you’re not confident you still have any friends. So yeah, things are not going great. It’s ok though. You can deal with all that nonsense later. It’s time to lean in and do all those fun things that’ll make you feel good for a few hours but completely awful in the long term. Let’s wallow.

Pro-Tip 1: Please Don’t Check Your Texts or Bank Account

You are a shell of a human being right now. You’re definitely not mentally equipped to deal with the pathetic drunken texts you sent last night and the potential social ramifications they may hold just yet. That’s ok pal. That’s what we have Monday and Tuesdays for. Do you really need to know that you texted your crush at 2 am “i think we migth bee soil mates” and she left you on read? That’ll ruin you. Plus you said soil mates and not soul mates so it’s obvious you were talking about gardening and not endless romance between twin flames of passion so it’s not even that embarrassing. But I digress. Instead of re-reading your drunk texts and obsessing over how much of an unlovable failure you are, do what we all do. Repress the bad thoughts by scrolling through Instagram and Netflix for the entire day until the anxiety finally creeps into your brain as you’re about to fall asleep and explodes in a tidal wave of obsessive thoughts that keeps you up until 4 am. Much healthier that way.

Side-note: My biggest gripe with girls is that they screenshot guys’ texts and send them to their friends. Check any girls’ phone and like half their pics are text screenshots. Not nice! That text was between us. I hate follow the Instagram Texts from Your Ex. That’s a mean account. I followed it one Sunday and spent the entire day scrolling through every post to see if anything I sent was there. It wasn’t, which I was definitely thankful for but also a little disappointed about because I love attention, even negative.

As far as your bank account, you should not be checking that until Wednesday. You spent probably a thousand dollars and you don’t have more than $50 to your name. Is that what you want to hear???

Pro-Tip 2: Seamless Seamless Seamless

If you are even thinking of preparing your own food or leaving the apartment today, then you have gone completely off the deep end. God gave us phones and different cuisines for a reason. I honestly can’t believe humans used to hunt and pick berries and shit every time they wanted to eat. Now we pull out our little pocket computers, click a few buttons, and some Thai food shows up 30 minutes later. We can’t talk to the dead (yet), but I’m sure they are looking down and smiling upon us, proud of  humanity’s advancement.

I generally like to have 2 meals on Sundays.

• First Meal: 2ish
  • We can all agree that getting out of bed is the worst thing in the world. But at some point you have to do it. The delivery man knocking on your door is a great excuse to get out of bed. And now you have food. A win win.
  • Foodwise, this will be your standard brunch food. I’m usually a ham, egg and cheese on an everything bagel kind of guy. Yes, some think its strange I don’t go bacon or sausage, but I don’t really care. They should go write their own blogs and stop being so critical over minor food choices.
  • Coffee is a must here. You want your brain to work and if you’re as addicted as I am, you’ll get a headache without it. We can’t have that. As far as the iced vs. hot debate, I fall on the iced side every time, even in the winter. Hot takes too long to drink. You kind of forget about it while you wait for it cool down and it gets lukewarm and nasty. Yuck! Plus have you ever burned your tongue. That shit hurts no lie.
• Second Meal: 7ish
  • This is our marquee meal and should not be taken lightly. Choose wisely and get as much as you can gang. Even if your stomach is still in pieces from the weekend and you can’t finish it, don’t sweat. You got yourself Monday lunch big fella.

Pro- Tip 3: Likes Make You Happy

You’re probably feeling like a reallll piece of shit. You know what will help you stop worrying if everyone hates you and will ever be your friend again? Post an Instagram and let all the likes wash over you. Mmmm feels so good. Go ahead and check your notifications every 5 minutes to see how many more likes you have. Give your brain a little bit of that delicious serotonin it so desperately craves. Positively scrumptious.

Be warned though that this is a bit risky. If you only get like 65 likes, this could send you spiraling even further. I don’t know what to tell you besides don’t be such a loser. Everyone know that # of likes = how cool you are. Simple math.

Pro-Tip 4: Binge Like Your Life Depends On It

Your main activity for today will be bingeing TV shows. Now some people prefer movies, but I am a TV guy through and through. You connect with the characters longer, storylines are explored more in depth, and there’s just more content to enjoy.Also, having a good repertoire of TV shows you watch is tremendous small talk currency at work. Plus, you get a weird sense of accomplishment when you are binge watching a show. Each new episode is another notch on the belt.

It’s honestly insane how many shows there are out there. Every time I open Netflix, I’m completely overwhelmed by the options. Lesser men would run away and crawl into a hole, but I run towards danger. So I’ve made it my mission to watch every single show on Netflix. Probably won’t happen but a man’s gotta try in this world. As such, I’ve put together a few recommendations for you because I am a genius with a good taste. If you’re not interested, then please leave the blog. Won’t have that negativity here.

1. Classic shows with 5-10 seasons
   • These are shows pretty much everyone has seen and will consumer months of your life while you binge them and think about them all day long.
   • The Wire, Sopranos, Game of Thrones, Friday Night Lights, The Office, Shameless, Californication, Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm, House of Cards, Eastbound and Down. 
2. Newer Shows with less than 3 seasons (so you can catch up quick)
   • These are shows that some people watch or have heard of but you will still sound cool talking about them.
   • Mainstream: Master of None (Netflix), Black Mirror (Netflix), Stranger Things (Netflix), Westworld (HBO), Silicon Valley (HBO). 
   • Bit More Random: BoJack Horseman (Netflix), Big Mouth (Netflix), Animals (HBO), Man in the High Castle (Amazon), Altered Carbon (Netflix), Ozark (Netflix), The Leftovers (HBO)
3. Limited Series (only 1 season)
   • These are shows you’ll finish in one day and be like fuck I need a hobby.
   • American Vandal (Netflix), Night Of (HBO), End of the Fucking World (Netflix), Big Little Lies (HBO), Wet Hot American Summer (Netflix)

Fuck I watch a lot of TV.

Pro-Tip 5: Accomplish One Thing

As the afternoon creeps into dinner time, anxiety about the coming week will start to mount. Work stress, social plans, and a sense of complete existential despair in your life and choice are all completely natural. The best way to keep your demons at bay is to make yourself busy. Sunday is our small wins day. As I always say, small wins build to big wins. The road to success is paved with bricks of small wins. Rome wasn’t built without a small win. Stuff like that.

Here are a few things you can get done and feel good about yourself.

• Leave the house
  • This is a must but fresh air can be healthy. Many studies have shown that.
• Clean up your apartment
  • Kitchen, living room, or bed room. If you’re feeling wild do all three. Go nuts.
• Take out the trash
  • We don’t recycle on this blog so don’t worry about separating it
• Check your email
  • Check it but don’t send anything
• Call a friend who you haven’t talked to in a while
  • Or FaceTime then see if I care!
• Call your parents
  • Actually don’t do that until tomorrow. They can smell the shame on you.

Anyways that’s the blog. Enjoy the wallow.