Work.Retire.Die.

I’m gonna tell you boys what I tell every girl who expects something of me- I am not a perfect man. Have I got a lot of strengths? Of course. Too many to count really. But do I have a lot of weaknesses? Why yes. Yes I do. That’s what makes life interesting. The old ying and yang brother. No point in fighting it. This is the brain I was given and the body I was cursed to house it in.

One place where this really comes to life is money. When it comes to making it, I’d give myself a B. Not a Wall Street money bag but I do all right. However, when it comes to spending it, I’m a strong A-, even an A on a good day. A strength and a weakness. Now you’re getting it.

Sooner or later I find myself in some precarious financial situations. I trust you have as well. If not, congrats buddy. Good luck hugging your bag of gold on your deathbed without any friends or whimsical adventures to look back on. But the good news for guys like us is we’ve learned how to stretch a dollar. So when we get that Bank of America alert telling us that funds are tight, we don’t panic. We rise to the challenge. Here’s how to do it.

Priority 1: Lower the bar

As I always say, the key to happiness is low expectations. Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows is it Sleeping Beauty? But the lows make the highs feel so much sweeter. Can’t peak without a valley my friend.

Priority 2: Take care of your food

Newsflash you’re going to have to eat this week. Last time I checked it’s not 2019 yet- the human body still needs food. Now, if you’ve been around the block a few times, you’ll know to plan for this so you don’t starve.

You’re definitely not eating out, so you’ll want to have a few basic dishes in your back pocket that you can whip together.

• Tuna Melt
  • It’s a grilled cheese with a can of tuna on it. Like $3. Protein, carbs, cheese. Throw some ketchup on that and you got yourself a feast.
• Eggs
  • This is your cheapest protein. Fry em, scramble em, see if I care. If you’re too good to have eggs for dinner you’re too good for this smut blog.
• Pasta
  • This one’s an old sailors trick. 1 box of pasta is maybe $5 and can last you 3 meals. Butter, salt, little red sauce. Maybe some veggies if you got em. You’re full
• Peanut Butter and Jelly
  • God smiled on Earth when he made this. A natural aphrodisiac. Please note- if you use grape jelly instead of strawberry, close this blog now
• Protein Shake
  • I don’t care what Men’s Health says. A protein shake is a meal. Take a scoop of that muscle powder and get strong and full real quick.

Now is this a lot of food? No. But you needed to lose some weight anyways. You should be thanking me. Poverty is the best diet.

One last point that I shouldn’t have to mention- you NEVER turn down a free meal. In college, I went to an awards dinner for the Arts and Sciences students. Now yes, I happened to be the only student who showed up that didn’t win an award. But I got a steak dinner and 2 cocktails for free. Greatness never sleeps.

Priority 3: Commute for Free

You’re going to have to get to work somehow (so you can then retire and die). And there’s nothing worse than spending hard earned money on your commute. I’m a cultured man whose lived in 2 types of cities so I can help you out regardless of your transportation situation.

1. Urban Metropolis and Seat of Commerce (New York)

You got 2 options the way I see it.

• Walk to work (It’s free)
• Steal from the subway
  • Young man, you’re going to have to learn how to hop a turnstile.

There’s 2 basic approaches:

• The 2-Hand Pop Job
  • This one only works if there is no MTA official on duty. Know the stops like this ahead of time. Always be taking mental notes.
  • Scan the area to make sure the coast is clear. If there are a few people around, just fumble with your card until they leave.
  • Now walk towards the turnstile reallll casual, but a little faster than normal.
  • Put both hands on the sides without breaking stride (kind of like a pummelhorse in gymnastics) and pop right over the barrier.
  • Keep walking real cool like nothing happened.
• The Sneaky Boy
  • Wait until there is a rush of people getting off the subway. This works best when crowded.
  • When people open the emergency door to walk through, just slip right past them. Boom you’re in.

2. Suburban/Smaller City Car Travel

Now in most cities, public transportation isn’t really feasible and is usually just for like poor people. So driving is going to be a factor here, and gas money can really start to break the bank. But if you’re smart, you can get through this week without paying a goddam nickel to Big Oil.

• Know your “Low Tank” capacity
  • You need to know your car like you know your own body. Well to pretty well. When that gas light comes on, you gotta know exactly how much longer that car can last. Once I made it a full week with the gas light on. That may not be true but that’s how i remember it.
• Let someone borrow your car
  • If someone asks to borrow your car, wait until they are just about to head out the door with your keys. Then you say “Oh by the way I forgot to tell you but the tank is like completely empty. Can you put like $20 in her? I’ll get you back.”
• Pretend It’s Broken
  • And get a ride from someone who lives near you. Carpooling brings people together.

Priority 4: Stay clean but stay frugal

Now hygiene is important we all know that. But is perfect hygiene important? Not so much. Sometimes in life, you run out of the essentials. But you’re not Mark freakin’ Cuban man. You’re not gonna go buy that shit.

Bathroom Stuff:

Toilet paper is a priority here. If you’re fresh outta the Charmin, you’ll find some luck at your office bathroom. Bring your backpack into the stall and swipe a few rolls. Nobody will care.

If your toothpaste tube is all squeezed up, take a knife to the middle of it. Scrape out some of that paste. It’ll have to do until payday.

Cleaning Supplies:

Out of paper towels? Get your ass to the gym and snag a few of the white towels they got lying around, just begging to be stuffed into an over-filled gym bag.

Clothing: 

Save that laundry for payday my dude. If you’re scraping the bottom of those drawers, you gotta be efficient. Socks should be lasting you 3 days, jeans/khakis a full week. Underwear I’d change daily. I don’t recommend going commando but I won’t tell if you don’t.

Priority 5: Boozing on a budget

You almost made it. You’ve been so goddam good this week. Making sacrifices. Doing shit you don’t want to do. It’s time to treat yourself. If you’ve managed well, you got about $10 to spend, which is nothing to sneeze at. You can still get mightttty drunk with a crisp Alex Hamilton in your pocket

There are two key approaches, both effective, which you can use.

1. Drink Like a Homeless Man
   • 40 oz Malt Liquors are about $3 each. Have 2 and you’re hammered enough to run through a wall. I’ve been getting a few nibbles from Steel Reserve for sponsorship deals so stay tuned.
   • I also recommend Mad Dog 2020s. As a bum wine sommelier, I’d recommend pairing the blue flavor with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.
2. Host a Pregame
   • Scrounge together whatever booze you have laying around and invite some friends over to drink. Everyone knows, the best part about hosting the pregame is you get to keep the booze.

Priority 6: Make yourself some cash

I made this the last priority because it’s unreliable and takes forever. Too often, I’ve been counting on money coming in, only to have a 3-5 business day delivery period end my life. Hello over-draft fees how are you doing today?

But if you need to, here’s a couple options you have, ranked from lowest to highest earning potential:

• Return clothing you just bought when you thought you had unlimited money
• Redeem the cash rewards from your credit card
• Gamble on sports (you’re already broke anyways you might as well lean in)
• Donate plasma (think it’s like 70 bucks or something)
• Try to get hit by a bus
• Start a charity that operates as a shell corporation. Skim off the top.
• Buy Bitcoin 12 years ago (topical news reference)
• Be Jeff Bazos
• Write a series of blog posts that are only read by a tight knit circle of close friends.

Well you made it. Now please start managing your money a little bit better. Your mother and I worry about you.