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God Help the Man Who Stands Between Me and These Victoria’s Secret Babes

Anyone who knows me knows that I have the sex drive of Genghis Khan. But I also have a sensitive side. I used to log onto AIM and fire off some beautiful, thoughtful prose to girls I was crushing on in 7th grade. Not a brag, just a fact. I’ve been looking for love since day 1 fellas, but until now, in all the wrong places.

So when I heard that the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was on Tuesday night, I knew this was my chance to find my soul mate. Imagine my shock when I found not one, not two, but TEN options for me to spend the rest of my life with, in a melting pot of sexual chemistry, emotional connection and mutual support.

Check them out below and vote in the comments. Please note that these reflect my own personal opinions and do not necessarily align with the larger Work Retire Die corporate beliefs (lawyers made me say that).

Babe # 10: The dude from the Nationwide Commercials


You got your mom’s eyes. A just be calm side. You got ya sribbity bibbity bobbity scrap da doooo sigggnnn. Naaaaationwide is onnnn your sideeee.

Yeah this guy is electric. Soulful. Wise. When he speaks you listen. This is the kind of man who will love you with his whole being and never let go.

Babe #9: The Master of Ceremonies, Harry Styles


This boy band singer turned into a grown man hunk. Brooding. Poetic. Charming when he pleases. But also a bit of a dark side. I will love this man and he will leave me and I won’t blame him.

Babe #8: The Jeep Grand Cherokee


30 MPG are you kidding me? Tough and rugged but also good for the environment (and your wallet)?? Sensitive but can still fix your car. A feminist who sacrifices none of his masculinity. Sign me up.

Babe #7: My hot friend C*nner


*onner (name changed for personal privacy) is here watching the show but also entertaining the crowd. Look at the jaw line. Look at that fashion sense. Look at how he is holding his face in contemplation. I’d ask him out but I’m worried it’ll ruin our friendship.

Babe #6: These 3 girls

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The only woman that can satisfy me is 3 women. Nuff said.

Babe #5: The low-key thicc Snickers from this commercial


This Snickers is practically begging for it. I love Snickers and I love being satisfied. You think I’m not going to jump on this? I know you’re bad for me Snickers, but I keep coming back. I can’t help myself.

Babe #4: Richard Sherman


Richard Sherman has plenty of time on his hands with a torn Achilles. It only makes sense that he’d come and share his gift for oration with all of us. He was so talented and captivating that I wouldn’t be surprised if he just up and quits the gridiron and becomes a travelling motivational speaker. TED talk better watch their backs.

Babe #3: This Knight Dude


Think this was from a Dilly Dilly commercial but I’m not sure. The sound was off and I was pretty drunk. But that’s besides the point. This guy is more cutie pie than babe, which I’m all about. He does not look like a capable soldier at all, but that’s why we love him.

Babe #2: My hot friend M*ke joins Conn*r


What’s better than my hot friend watching the show? Two of my hot friends watching the show. Again, I would like to be respectful of Con*ner and my new friend Mi*e so I will not share their names. But man these guys are hunks. 2 for 1 special if you know what I mean.

Babe #1: This couple from a commercial I forget


Look at the way they are eyeing each other. At a picnic no less! You can’t stop the sparks that are flying between these two. Everyone at the table can feel the electricity. Is it making them uncomfortable? Yes. Will they stop? NOT FOR A SOUL ON EARTH. Plus they’re interracial which I think is pretty cool (it’s 2018). I normally don’t do 3 somes but I will make an exception for these love birds.

Comment. Share. Like. Please note that I have called dibs on all these babes so hands off ya horndogs.

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