Work.Retire.Die.

Friday: Make it to Happy Hour

We made it. Friday. The day of the Sabbath. Rebecca Black’s smash single. That Ice Cube movie I’ve never seen but whose references I still laugh along with to fit in. Most importantly, it’s almost the weekend and time to party. You’re not doing any work today. As the title says, you just gotta make it to happy hour.

This post is going to be a little different. Because you’ve been good all week I’m going to give you a little treat. This post is a Pro-Tip special. It is THE surefire way to get through a hungover/still drunk Friday at work. Are you not hungover/still drunk at work? I don’t give a fuck dude. Just got do your job, you middle class slag. What’s it like to be so pathetic?

Pro-Tip 1: Get There Early

Starting off with a controversial tip but believe me this is tried and true. You’re going to want to hit that snooze button non-stop because you got like 4 hours of sleep last night. But at this point, there’s nothing to be gained by an extra 20 mins. You’re already in for a long day. You can sleep later. The worst thing for hungover you is to walk into the office 45 minutes late and have to explain yourself. People notice that shit. If you get there early, no one will suspect a thing. Heck, your boss may even be impressed with you. Plus, you’ll have more time to gather yourself, which is absolutely essential.

Pro-Tip 2: Provide Yourself Sustenance ASAP

Give your body, mind and soul the strength it needs as soon as you arrive. Here are your 4 main food groups, broken out by priority:

1. Water
   • What’s it For?: Hydration and Cotton Mouth
   • How much should I have?: As much as possible without drowning your lungs or peeing yourself.
   • What if I don’t have it?: You’ll die
2. Coffee: 
   • What’s it For: Energy and Brain Juice
   • How much should I have: 3 – infinity cups. Really until you start to have heart palpitations.
   • What if I don’t have it: You’ll fall asleep at your desk or in a meeting and get fired.
3. Food:
   • What’s it For: Soaking up that booze in your tummy and natural energy
   • How much should I have: Keep it light. Go easy on your stomach.
   • What if I don’t have it: You’ll probably be fine but you’ll get tired and feel like shit.
4. Gum:
   • What’s it For: You reek of booze
   • How much should I have: Chomp that shit all day. At least 1 slice an hour.
   • What if I don’t have it: Not the end of the world just don’t talk too closely to people

Pro-Tip 3: Poop Out The Poison ASAP

Taking a massive, runny shit is the first sign you’re on the right track to beating this hangover. By the middle of your second cup of coffee and the end of your light breakfast, you’ll start to feel your stomach bubbling. Embrace it. Head to the bathroom and carve out 10 minutes. Punish the toilet. Get all those toxins out of you. Banish Satan from your bum bum. Expect to wipe 15+ times.

Pro-Tip 4: Find Your Nap Spot

Book a conference room with no windows. Find a little corner. Go to that breastfeeding room. Go to your car if that’s an option. Lie down and close your eyes. Even if you don’t get some REMs in, you need this rest. You’ve worked hard. You deserve it. Just don’t linger too long. People aren’t stupid.

Pro-Tip 5: Headphones are Your Best Friend

Yes your best friend. Not your dog, your wife, your brother or the best man at your wedding. Your head phones. If you forgot them at home, I’d literally suggest going out and buying them. You will not make it through this day without them.

Pro-Tip 6: Watching Netflix on your phone is actually really easy

I do this all the time at my desk and people think I’m crazy. Newsflash I’m not. This is easy as pie to do and really makes for a great half hour or so of the day.

Step 1: Download the app on your phone like a normal person

Step 2: Put your headphones in (you should already be doing this)

Step 3: Put your phone flat on your desk

Step 4: Rest your head on your hand like you’re thinking deeply, but you’re actually shielding your phone from your desk neighbor.

Step 5: Enjoy

Note: If your company’s Wifi blocks Netflix and  you don’t have unlimited data on your phone I don’t know how to help you. Go be poor somewhere else.

Pro-Tip 7: Save the good stuff for today.

This is the day to settle in and consume all that content you didn’t have time for during the week. Long form articles, podcasts, maybe a new album you’ve been meaning to listen to. It’s also a great time for finding new stuff that you can impress people with at parties. Crank that New Music Friday on Spotify. Dive into social media and see what’s hot with the teens. All you gotta do to avoid detection is throw up a spreadsheet on your screen (not literally that’d be gross/impossible). Click around every so often. Move that mouse here and there. To the outside world you are employee of the year.

Pro-Tip 8: Be careful

This is the most important one hands down. If you’re hungover or still drunk, you’re not going to be giving a shit. Probably still a little slap happy or delirious. Maybe you’re playing a little fast and loose with it. But be careful. You can easily get caught. Slurring your words on a call. Typos in emails. Being too loose with colleagues in casual conversation. These can all come back to bite you.

Pro-Tip 9:  You Are Not Alone

Now if you’re starting to feel scared or self conscious, it’s important to remember that you’re not the only one whose ever showed up to work hungover. Heck, you’re probably not the only person currently hungover. Let’s say someone finds out about your state. Guess what? They probably were so hungover last Friday they threw up in a fern in the lobby (not a Harvey Weinstein joke). And if they think less of you? Then you get to think less of them. And thinking less of people is one of my favorite things in the world. So don’t sweat it.

I know I know. As the reader you’re thinking “Oh Dr. WRD, isn’t this one kind of the opposite of Pro-Tip 8? I know you’re very muscular and intelligent and whimsical but doesn’t this destroy your credibility a bit?” To that I have no response. You’re right. I’m making this up as i go.  But I’m the one writing the blog and you’re the one listening to it so sit down and hush up. And stop listening to blogs just read them. It’s not 2018 yet.

Pro-Tip 10: Leave as early as possible

Do not be embarrassed. No one is judging you and no one will remember you left early on a Friday. Drag yourself to happy hour and get drunk immediately. Your weekend is finally here.

Congrats on making it through this week. Enjoy the weekend. Drink some drugs. Smoke some girls. Make out with some beers. Whatever floats your boat. Just make it count. You gotta do it all again in roughly 64 hours.