Work.Retire.Die.

Thursday: What are You Doing this Weekend?

Your approach to Thursday sets the tone for the entire weekend and frankly, your entire life. Thursday is the 8th inning set-up man for your Friday night closer. If you mess up Thursday, it doesn’t matter if you have Mariano Rivera out there on Friday. You might as well go home to your mommy and suck your thumb like the little bitch boy that you are. That may feel like a lot of pressure but oh well. Pressure can burst a pipe or make a diamond. And on this blog we don’t burst pipes, we LAY pipe amiright fellas? Good? Good.

Now yes, tomorrow is Friday and you won’t have to do shit at work but exist until 5. But that also means you’re going to have to step your game up during the 9-5 today. You can have a successful Thursday and set yourself up for an easy Friday of YouTube and Gchat and established social plans. Or you can mail it in like the cast of Air Bud 3: World Pup (honestly so disappointing) and leave yourself with 35 emails and nothing to do on Friday night. Your choice. Up to you. Its 2018 go have sex with a robot. I won’t judge you.

How Your Day Unfolds:

8:30 am – Lunch: Ok you could actually be a CEO if you applied yourself

This is when you put together your greatest work, your corporate Mona Lisa. It is incredible what you can do with your back against the wall. All that stuff you told people they would have by EOW? Go ahead and deliver that bad boy early just because you can. On conference calls, you speak clearly and distinctly with the confidence of a man twice your pay grade. Colleagues look over in surprise, admiration and a little bit of fear. “Wow,” they think, ” *insert name* really came to play today. Maybe I should start respecting him more and plus he seems pretty handsome and cool.”

PRO-TIP: During calls or a meeting, make sure you get in a question or comment early. Doesn’t have to be something genius, but it makes you look engaged and gets you in the right mindset. Like in football, once you get that first hit out of the way, the butterflies disappear and you play without fear.

After Lunch: Manage your Friday

What’s essential during this time period is to begin setting up the weekend. No need to send a text to a huge group. Little early for that one bub. Text a few people who really drive the charge and see if you can get some plans going for the weekend. Hit up your drunk hook-up options and see if they’re around this weekend. Get yourself in their brain early so when you send that “hey you end up going out?” text at 10 pm Friday, they’ll actually respond.

Then, of course, it’s time for your Thursday night.

After Work: Prove You Still Got it

Thursday nights can go a few different ways, each one with its pros and cons. But regardless, this is your chance to prove to yourself that you’re not washed up. It’s completely acceptable to show up to work hungover on a Friday and it lets all the other losers know you party.

1. Happy Hour with Co-Workers: High Risk, High Reward

After a long week of work, what’s better than sucking down some ice-cold adult bevs with your coworkers? Honestly, it completely depends on who you work with.

Best Case Scenario: The people you work with are young and fun and like to party. You get some good work gossip from the people above and below you. Your boss gets drunk enough that you bond, but leaves before you head to the second bar. Your playful work banter with that hot girl who sits across from you turns into a make-out session in a taxi on the way home.

Worst Case Scenario: Your playful banter with the hot girl across from your desk doesn’t translate to social situations and you find out she has a boyfriend. You get way too drunk and start making jokes and comments that you will wince thinking about tomorrow. Remember, it could always be worse. My coworker got too drunk at a work event this summer and drop a plate of pizza on our VP’s shoes. She still calls him Pizza Boy.

PRO-TIP: Be the 3rd or 4th drunkest person there, and right behind your boss. Enjoy yourself but don’t be the story.

2.Happy Hour/Drunk Dinner with Friends: You know how this will go

This is your crew of people, your tribe of alcoholic corporate slaves. You are all happy to see each other, but frankly, you’re only here because you have nothing else better to do. That doesn’t mean it’s not fun.

Best Case Scenario: Everyone comes into the night bringing great energy and a drive for adventure. You start at a bar with some crazy 5 shots for $5 special, get wasted and head to another bar. You sit at a booth next to a bunch of hot girls who are in the same mindset as you and you all start talking. You fall in love and meet your wife. She is beautiful and a Gemini, which is easily your most compatible sign.

Worst Case Scenario: Really, not much can go wrong here. You may be a little tired and decide to call it quits at around 10 and get a good night’s sleep, refreshed for Friday. You may get a little too drunk and stay up until 2 and be a little tired for Friday. But like, whatever.

3. Big Event (Concert/Game/All You Can Drink): Oh boy

This is some dope shit you’ve been getting excited about for like 2 weeks. This could be some big concert, a sports game you’ll be tailgating, or maybe an all you can drink wine cruise. You know going in that you are blacking out and not worrying about Friday.

Best-Case Scenario:  You golden zone this shit, riding the perfect buzz from clocking out to bed time. You get your money’s worth at your event and end up with a ridiculous story or two. You make it home safe by 2 am, drink 2 glasses of water, swallow 4 Advil, brush your teeth and take out your contacts.

Worst-Case Scenario: You wake up at your friend’s apartment at 4 am with a dead phone and a lip of Copenhagen Wintergreen Longcut still in your mouth. You charge your phone, call an Uber and get home at 6 am. You sleep through your alarm and show up to work still drunk at 9:45 the next day. Your credit card gets declined at lunch because you spent $200 last night on tequila shots.

PRO-TIP: Don’t advertise to your coworkers that you are going to this event. When you call in sick on Friday they will 100% talk amongst themselves and your boss will end up finding out and you’ll look bad.

Well that’s Thursday. Glad you got through it and hopefully you are all ready to go for Friday. If not, that’s cool too. We just don’t have to be friends.