Work.Retire.Die.

Wednesday- Hey That Wasn’t So Bad

Ahhh sweet Wednesday. The most fickle of mistresses. You’re hot and you’re cold. You’re yes and you’re no. In out up down around. Hokie pokey.

The point is, I don’t know what to feel about Wednesday. I usually don’t even know it’s Wednesday until like lunch. I either spend the entire day convinced it’s Thursday and then get sad when the cold hand of truth strikes me across the face. Or I’m thinking it’s Tuesday all day and moping around, only to be pleasantly surprised by my old friend Wednesday and get a little tingle tingle in my man parts. It all depends on how the river of life is flowing and if the gods choose to smile upon you that week. I don’t make the rules I just enforce them.

Also, the thing about writing Wednesday is that you have to say it in your brain the opposite of how you’d say it out loud. Wed nes day. Sounds weird huh. Not important. Not interesting. Just observation. No one is making you read this. It’s 2018 go time travel to see how hot Helen of Troy was or something.

How Your Day Unfolds

 9 am – 12 pm: Crank away at that work

You’re crushing it my dude. Riding that high from a successful Tuesday, you are just slinging emails left and right. Doing God’s work out there. And ya know what, it actually feels good to do your job well. You should try this more often my man. Props.

Pro Tip: Take a long lunch. You deserve it.

1: 25 – 4 pm: Starting to get that itch my dude

Well that lunch was a little too long. You’ve lost a little steam haven’t you big fella? Officially halfway through the week and you’re starting to mentally check out. You’ve worked too hard for too long (almost 2 straight days of actual hard work if you count Monday afternoon!) and you’ve almost had enough. Work things that seemed so important on Tuesday don’t really matter to you anymore. No one’s firing you. No one’s promoting you. They probably don’t even know you work here.

Pro Tip: Go outside and take a walk and look at hot girls and homeless people. It puts things in perspective.

4 – EOD : No longer give a shit

Nothing’s going to happen today to make or break anything. In the world. Ever. What is the point? How did you end up like this? You had dreams and now you’re sitting at a cube answering Tony’s email about invoices. Or listening to Maggie bitch about Stacy in sales and how she “is too hands on and not cut out for management.” You start to realize you spend more than half your life here and a part of you weeps (not your eyes if you’re lucky).

After Work: Just a taste

Well that was depressing but we’re grown ups here. We don’t sulk. We channel our pain into success.

This is your marquee week night and a chance to practice a little old fashioned moderation. It’s actually kind of nice sometimes to get drunk and not black out isn’t it sport? Sure you’ve made mistakes in the past but you’re really growing up right in front of our eyes.

• Dating: Go get a drink with that girl you actually want to impress. You’ll have enough energy to keep up a conversation and charm her. It’s close enough to the weekend that drinks are ok and you can let loose a little, but you still have to get up up for work tomorrow, so you’re not going to get too drunk and regret anything. You’re obviously looking to hook-up but if you don’t it’s not that end of the world. You still have the weekend coming up for random play. You’ll come off like a regular Broadway Joe, believe me (who is uncircumcised btw. Not enough people know that).
• Friends: If you don’t have any romantic prospects at the moment (pathetic loser), this is a good night to sip a few beers and hang out with the boys. Turn on some regular season sports game that you can mindlessly watch but not feel bad about turning off at 11 and going to bed. Or, if you have any sense, turn on the latest episode of Survivor and settle in for a night of passion, betrayal, and heartbreak.
• Culture: *PLEASE NOTE THIS IS NOT RECOMMENDED* This is the night to do cultural shit if you’re into it. Go to that nice new restaurant you’ve wanted to go to! Check out a museum or something! I can’t even write this part. The only culture I would recommend here is seeing a new movie in theaters. Don’t want to have to waste a weekend night on that.

Pro-Tip: Don’t let yourself get too excited. It is still just Wednesday. Do NOT let your guard down and stay up until 2 am. Constant vigilance do you understand me?

Well that was Wednesday and I sincerely hope you had a good one. Tomorrow you got Thursday, which is basically Friday since nothing matters on Fridays. So enjoy it. Unless you stayed up too late drinking on Wednesday LIKE I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NOT TO. Then I can’t help you.