Work.Retire.Die.

Tuesday: Get Your Life Together and Avoid Getting Fired

Tuesday does not get enough love. This is your day to get your shit together at your job and in your life. You’re at optimal shame level: its still lingering from the weekend and your Monday laziness to push you to productivity, but not so overwhelming that you can’t manage. You are ready to accept your role as a corporate cog. You are ready to accomplish tasks. You are ready to do all your errands for the week. You are one of, if not the greatest, examples of success and life management for an early to late 20s person.

Also there’s usually literally nothing exciting going on most Tuesday (sports, socially, TV shows, etc) so you might as well take advantage of the lack of distractions. Or not. But if you don’t, then like why are you reading this? It’s 2018 you can go to Mars no problem. Don’t waste your time.

9 am – 12 pm: Let’s gooo I am my best self and will attack this day

There’s a reason you got this job. You are put on this Earth to do one thing. And that is *insert whatever your job is* (I can’t tailor that part to you this is supposed to be like generally relatable.)

Send off that response to that email from Monday morning. Start that presentation that you really should’ve been working on for a while. Check-in on that project that you haven’t heard anything on in 2 days. Can’t believe that slacker! Not even following up. Lol good luck climbing this corporate ladder buddy. Take a massive shit and stink that joint up. Let everybody know who really runs this god-forsaken company. This entire industry may crumble if you were not here doing A+ work at a breakneck speed.

Lunch to 3:30: Fuck everybody is responding to the emails I sent

Ok shit I can’t keep this up for like the whole day WTF.

PRO-TIP: If someone sends you an email marked urgent, you can reply back and mark it specifically as not urgent. Yes they will get a notification you have done this. That’s the point. Don’t fuck with me. Trigger fingers turn to Outlook fingers boiiiiiii

3:30-closing time: Ok wow this really sucks

You’re either working non-stop or bored out of your mind. Depends on the week.

After Work: Time to do all the random bullshit I hate

I’m a big fan of bullets and categories as you can tell so here’s a pro-level breakdown on your options for after work.

Chores/Errands:

• Gym (gotta happen today)
• Laundry (only if you’re out of socks and peed the bed last weekend)
  • PRO-TIP: Buy 30 pairs of plain black socks. You won’t mismatch them and you can wear them as dress or athletic socks.
• Clean your kitchen and room
• Pay bills
• Some sort of appointment to fix something that is inevitably broken in your apartment or body.

Social Obligations:

• Hang out with that one friend who won’t stop bothering you about how you never hang out.
• Get a drink with that girl you matched with on Bumble 3 weeks ago.

Hobbies:

FYI- hobbies are a clear red flag. If you need hobbies to have fun you are not that fun. Logic 101 my dude. My friends do not have hobbies. You likely want to be my friend. You should not have hobbies.

One exception: you can join one of those adult sports league. There are 2 kinds of sports leagues

1. Intramural/co-ed leagues
   1. Fun Version: Friends and hot girls your age. No one takes it too seriously and you get drunk
   2. Bad Version: Co-workers and friends of friends. People take it too seriously but are terrible athletes and it is incredibly frustrating.
   3. Pros: Competitive outlet and chance to get drunk on a random night
   4. Cons: You have to wear some weird colored shirt with a not-funny team name on it and hang out with people you don’t really like.
2. Competitive Sports Leagues (rugby, basketball league, softball)
   1. Fun Version: Your team is actually good and you’re actually good at the sport. You get drunk after the game with your teammates
   2. Bad Version: Your team sucks and you don’t like your teammates but have to go to like 3 things a week.
   3. Pros: Recapture the dream of playing high level sports, actually have motivation to get in shape and meet some cool people you probably wouldn’t have anyways.
   4. Cons: Lots of commitment (especially if there are Saturday games), you might get injured, and it’s kinda a try-hard move.

Well you made it through Tuesday. Congrats asshat because it’s almost Wednesday, which is a word you have to say out loud to remember how to spell.