Work.Retire.Die.

I write you today, loyal readers and content subjects, with wonderful news. By the power vested in me, I have declared today to be the official start of fall.

Now yes, I know what you’re thinking. Big Weather would have you believe that it’s not fall for another 2 weeks and it’s still like 75 degrees outside this week. So what? The planet is literally burning. 70 degrees is crisp as fuck and more importantly, I’m extremely over summer.

I love summer as much as anyone, but at a certain point, it gets to be more exhausting than it’s worth. After all the travel, drinking, sunburns, and pressure to do stuff because it’s nice out, I just want to curl into a ball and nurse my bank account and liver for the next 2 weeks. Rather than break down what I hate about summer (which I already did here) let’s instead focus on the positive, and talk about…

The Best Things About Fall

7. You Can Stop Caring About Your Body

Everyone knows, the only reason to work out is to look good in a bathing suit so you can attract a potential ex-wife. That’s why I strictly do upper body and calf work-outs as part of the Jacked by June workout regime. Anything else is superfluous.

For the next 9 months, you can go do stuff like ‘exercise consistently’ and ‘eat healthy’ and ‘extend your lifespan by giving your body the care that it requires and deserves.’ But what’s the point? No one is to see you with your shirt off unless it’s a significant other and guess what? If they break up with you for completely letting yourself go, then they’re the asshole.  It’s 2021- if you’re not attracted to someone’s body then that makes you a monster.

6. Halloween

Ok please don’t hurt me but I don’t really like Halloween. Maybe I’m a loser, but I only own normal people clothing that can’t easily be turned into a quirky costume. I end up procrastinating until the last second and having to buy something online for $75, which never ends up fitting like it should.

Even worse is the the night of Halloween. You have to wait in line at the bar for like an hour in the freezing cold, which is even worse because every costume involves shorts or short sleeves and god forbid you wear a jacket to cover it up. This is why I just wear a Jets jersey every year.

HOWEVER – because I am a much better person than you, I have been working on being more positive lately. So here are some good things about Halloween:

Girls look very sexy

• Boys do too

I can pretend to be someone I’m not for a night

• It is very exhausting to be the person that I am day in and day out

Guaranteed Instagram

• Lot of opportunities for cool captions here

13 Days of Halloween on Freeform (previously ABC Family)

• Update – this is now 31 Days of Halloween

 I am getting paid that day

• The 15th and the 31st are the my favorite days of the year

5.  Seasonal Beverages 

Fall has the best seasonal beverages in the game. This only applies to alcohol, apple cider and hot chocolate – NOT coffee. Coffee isn’t supposed to taste good (looking at you pumpkin spice.) It’s supposed to keep you awake and make your shits super runny. That’s it.

Top Seasonal Alcohols

Sam Adams Variety Pack

• Big Oktoberfest guy

Fireball + Warm Apple Cider

• Autumn Jungle Juice

Hot Toddy’s

• Fancy and a good way to beat a cold

Apple Cider Mimosa

• Had this once at brunch and it changed my life. Must order.

4. Flannels and Sweaters and Hoodies Oh My

This one’s for the fellas. Now that you don’t have to worry about sweating and can use layers to hide stains on your button downs, clothes are about to get 10x easier.

Pants

I hate shorts. My calves suck and I can only wear Sperry’s or sneakers with them. Pants solve both these problems. Thank you pants

Boots

They make me feel very powerful when I walk, plus I can step in ANY puddle I want.

Flannels

God’s gift to mankind. Keeps you warm, keep you sexy. Good for boys, girls, and chopping wood.

Waffle Shirts

My favorite piece of clothing in America.

Pro-Tip- roll the sleeves halfway up your forearm. You look really strong.

Hoodies

Society has evolved to the point that you can wear a hoodie in the club. Now you can wear hoodies out on the town, as loungewear, and when you’re trying to remain inconspicuous in a bad neighborhood.

Sweaters

The best time to wear a striped sweater….is all the time.

3. Peak Foliage

Nature is cool guys. I don’t understand the science behind it, but you know how leaves are normally green? Yeah well now they’re orange and yellow and red. If you don’t think that’s cool then we have nothing in common.

2. Thanksgiving 

Best holiday of the year. Potluck dinners at the office. Boozy Friendsgivings. Actual Thanksgiving with your family. These are all perfect excuses to eat and drink to excess, watch football for 6 hours, and pretend to be asleep while everyone does the dishes.

The only bad part about Thanksgiving is cranberry sauce. FUCK cranberry sauce. Get that shit out of my face.

1. Football Season

It’s kind of sad how much better my life is during football season. But honestly, it’s the perfect time of the year. There’s something to watch or gamble on basically every night. There’s great small talk opportunities at work (‘You see the game?’ ‘Oh man, my fantasy team is totally screwed!’) Plus, I get to have my happiness determined by 53 men in tights who don’t know who I am.

Most importantly, it’s the only true way to Sunday Funday. There’s nothing better than drinking 11 beers during the 1:00 games, watching the Jets win by 100, passing out until 10 pm, waking up, ordering Chinese food, chugging water and going right back to sleep at 11:30. It’s the only way to fend off the Sunday Scaries.

Honorable Mentions

Apple Picking and/or Hay Rides

This is a great Instagram opportunity but kind of boring. Honestly just cool for couples. Apple Cider donuts are good though.

That Fall Smell

Everyone knows that fall smell. Unless you live in New York City. The only fall smell is the lingering scent of trash and rat.

Preparing Delicious Meals with Crock-Pot, America’s #1 Slow-cooker

Just 21 short days until Crocktober. Countdown starts now.