Work.Retire.Die.

There is no sweeter joy in life than when you quit your job. All the projects that seemed so important fade away. You finally clean out your email for the first time in 3 years. You realize that your work crush who rejected you because she ‘doesn’t date coworkers’ just doesn’t actually date you and it’s more about your personality, looks, and personal hygiene than the fact you work together. It’s a really great time. 

Learning how to quit your job appropriately is an essential skill to have in today’s world. I’ve been out of college for almost 6 years and have quit 2 jobs, which is fairly low compared to everyone in the workforce. You’re not going to work at the same company forever, so you better get used to leaving the right way. Which is the opposite of how the President has been doing it.

Politics aside, we can all agree that Trump has had an extremely eventful final weeks in office, which is the exactly not how you want to spend your time. Luckily, I’m here to help and break down what you should be doing.

I wouldn’t recommend doing this, but it’s easily to coolest example of how to quit your job. What a horrible movie this was by the way.

How to quit your job the right away

1. Don’t Burn Any Bridges 

It’s a small world of corporate hacks out there and you never know who you’re going to work with again. I’ve gotten multiple interviews at companies thanks to former coworkers who I wasn’t really friends with, but reached out to on LinkedIn when I saw they worked at the company I was interested in. Nurture your relationships in your last week.

Don’t be the asshole who simply stops working completely or sends a nasty goodbye email. No one cares that you didn’t feel valued at our performance marketing internal agency man. We all just think you’re insecure and a little pathetic now. 

I think it’s fair to say that Trump is burning bridges at a rate that would make a professional arsonist proud. I don’t know if there are professional arsonists, but that honestly sounds like a kind of sick gig. I suppose those guys might actually burn physical bridges in their last week (gotta finish up those last projects) but I digress. Donald, go ahead and add all the delegates and Congressmen and Congresswomen on LinkedIn and make sure you are replying ‘kudos to you!’ every time they get a promotion or have a job change.

2. Enjoy Yourself 

This is hands down the best time to be alive. You’re literally getting paid to give other people all of your work. Your stress level should be at an absolute zero. In the last week of my first job, I just didn’t show up to work until noon one day because I had several dozen beers the night before and forgot to set an alarm. Normally, this would’ve triggered a full blown panic attack, but I simply didn’t care. What are they gonna do – fire me? 

Trump is not enjoying himself at all. He should be taking advantage of all his cool work perks one last time and just start flying around to the Bahamas or Hawaii on Air Force One all day. In my last week, I stocked up on as many free samples as I could and lived off the free food in the kitchen for every meal. I wasn’t starting a riot and challenging the fabric of a nation, that’s for sure. 

3. Tie Up Your Loose Ends with HR 

This is absolutely essential and an overlooked part of quitting every job. You kind of forget how much of your life is being supported by your company. You need to figure out your health insurance, 401k, returning your cell phone and laptop, tax forms, etc. It’s such a pain in the ass and has inspired me to get rich enough to afford a personal assistant. 

Make sure you handle everything correctly. At my first job, I didn’t properly file an expense report for a few outstanding charges on my corporate card. I honestly completely forgot about it until a few months later when I started getting calls from collections agencies about paying off my US Bank bill. Now my credit score is slightly fucked because it shows up that I had bills go to collections and I also don’t pay off my bills because I’m bad with money.

One of the hardest parts of how to quit your job is figuring out what you and can’t take with you from your desk. I think Trump’s team has been a little loosey goosey with this and might want to check with HR before they take historical artifacts like Lincoln’s bust with them.

PS – is there an HR in the White House? Is that just like, Congress? Every day, I realize just how little I actually know about the government and it’s equally parts terrifying and freeing.

4. Go Out In Style 

Leave on your terms. If you’re the social one in the office, have a big going away happy hour. If you only have a few people that you care about, give them a little gift or write them a thoughtful note. If you’re funny and a decent writer, send a goodbye email that will brighten everyone’s day. 

Here’s what I sent at my last job since I think I’m funny and a decent writer. 

It’s been a fun ride these past 3.5 years, filled with lots of learning, decks made with Roboto Slab font (why is this the only font we use? Who decided this?) and personal growth. In my time at COMPANY REDACTED FOR LEGAL PURPOSES, I’ve transformed from a 23-year-old moron who didn’t understand the point of a Crockpot to a 27-year-old moron who celebrates Crocktober all month long. That’s probably 15% due to you guys, so thanks.

Instead of getting overly sentimental and in the spirit of performance marketing, I thought I’d outline my time here with some cold hard data.

• 100+ JIRA tickets submitted with insufficient information
• 14 passwords that were all just our company’s name with an extra number and special character added.
• 11 reorgs
• 9 desks
• 4 Offices
• 1 Black eye at the office that people were sort of polite about
• Countless friends I’ve made along the way (not really countless but I just didn’t really want to take the time to add it up)

In all seriousness, you all have made working here an exciting, interesting and fun experience. Being surrounded by such kind, talented, smart, creative, driven people and Kayla has been a great experience that I wouldn’t trade for the world. Good luck to everyone in the future and stay in touch!

Onwards and Upwards (you bet your ass I linked to Work Retire Die)

Short, sweet, heavy on the inside jokes, and of course, promoting your corporate satire meme page that mocks the majority of people on the email thread.

I do gotta hand it to Trump, he did have a funny final email to the public, though I’m not sure if it was intentional. 

I’m confident that on Trump’s final day, there will be a genuine, sincere note of contrition and gratitude for his time at the White House that he’ll send around to all his work friends. Maybe he’ll even razz Mitch McConnell in a fun light hearted way or plug his new Parler account. We’ll have to wait and see but I’m sure this will be the most eventful part of next Wednesday.