21 New Year’s Resolutions for 2021

2021 is off to a great start. There have been zero attempted coups, troubling examples of political cowardice or dads on Twitter forcing their starving daughters to learn how to make beans for 6 hours. It is very easy to focus on work and maintain a positive attitude about the future of humanity.

I’m so inspired that I’ve decided to actually follow through on my resolutions for the first time ever. I’m sharing them with you today to create accountability and inspire you all on your personal journeys of self improvement and professional success.

21 New Year’s Resolutions for 2021

  • Stop saying things are no worries when they are actually very much worries.
  • Find more natural ways to mention that I’m doing a Dry January AND a diet in every single conversation.
  • Stop only staring at my own face on Zoom calls. 
    • It’s hard to accept, but other people have faces too and deserve to be looked at.
  • Start incorporating a new buzzword into the lexicon. ‘Open the kimono’ is an early favorite. 
This certainly has the potentially to backfire
  • Actually stick to my exercise goals.
    • For the past 3 years, I have committed to a “Jacked by June” workout regimen of my own invention. This essentially consists of avoiding exercise until early April with the hopes of becoming, you guessed it, Jacked by June. It’s never worked but this is the year (if not, we will rebrand the regimen to “Jacked by June 2022.”)
  • Figure out the right amount of exclamation points to use in work and networking emails.
  • Stop feeling guilty about not washing the bottom of my feet in the shower.
    • I don’t have the flexibility to execute it, plus the body wash runoff from cleaning my torso and upper legs is more than enough.
  • Transition to my passions from a side hustle to a full time job.
    • For example, my biggest passion in life is to become a mustache guy non-ironically. Despite overwhelming negative early feedback, I will soldier on.
  • Stop responding to email threads unless I am directly called out by name or threatened with immediate firing.
  • Figure out a new hand motion during Zoom sign offs.
    • Waving felt strange so I recently tried out a big thumbs up as everyone signed off. That felt weirder. Need something very cool and memorable. Stay tuned. 
  • Actually budget my money with some sort of rhyme or reason instead of the standard ‘spend whatever I want and hope I can pay my rent and credit card bill.’
    • Not getting guac at Chipotle doesn’t really count as budgeting. 
  • Learn how to do a standing backflip to make Zoom sign-offs cooler.
Previous coolest guy in the office watching me execute a standing backflip Zoom sign-off and realizing he is totally screwed now.
  • Have the balls to ask the questions I actually want answers to on company wide town halls.
  • Stop bringing up how I ‘semestered abroad’ in Milan 8 years ago.
    • It’s time to move on. I didn’t even learn how to speak Italian but the second someone mentions Italy or even just the concept of Europe, I will go off.
  • Decline more meetings.
  • Avoid learning who Jacob Sartorius is for as long as possible.
Me covering my eyes when I see Jacob pop up on social media
  • Develop an actual professional skill besides writing emails.
  • Befriend the guy across the street whose window I can see directly into.
    • We’ve been staring at each other for 6 months now. Sure, I enjoy watching him workout and watch CNN, but at some point this cat and mouse game must end. It’s time to grow up and start writing notes on my window in giant handwriting and hope he sees them.
  • Learn the difference between who’s and whose and whos
    • One of these is the plural of the civilians in Whoville but I’m not sure which (witch?)
All the Whose down in Whoville
  • Learn how to count to 21
  • Create so many resolutions that I end up becoming overwhelmed and end up doing none of them.

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