The Best Falls of All Time

Fall has officially fallen. Football is in full swing, jackets are mandatory, and soup and flannel season are well underway. Best of all, you get to say things like ‘man I love when the weather gets so crisp like this’ and can finally let your body go and bury it under a sweater. 

We covered all the best things about fall in our 2018 masterpiece Fall has Fallen so this year we’ll be doing something different – discussing the Best Falls of All Time. 

Let’s get into it.

7. Fall Semester, Freshman Year of College

You’re finally free of your parent’s grasp. You’re learning a lot, mainly that it’s actually very cool and not problematic to drink 3 40’s in an hour, pass out in a dining room bathroom and pee your pants. It is perfectly fine, if not encouraged, to make out with anyone who will let you. You have no idea yet that STDs are actually real and not made up by Big Herpes to scare you.

You are also naive enough to think that you’ll actually do ‘extracurriculars’ and sign up for a club sports team, try out for a capella and maybe even join the ‘Volunteer’s Society’ or something dumb like that. It’s cute that you’re trying, but everyone knows you’ll quit by sophomore year and just drink and sometimes study like a normal person.  

“Dude I’m soooo poor,” you text your friend from a $1,000 iPhone, connected to brand new Bose noise cancelling headphones, as you walks across the campus of your $60k liberal arts college.

Hands down the most pure time of college, if not your entire life. 

6. Fall of the Roman Empire 

So this probably sucked for the Romans themselves but was amazing for the entire world. A man like Caesar is best experienced as a salad, not a brutal dictator. 

Apparently, a pandemic was one of the major causes of the Roman decline, along with political infighting, over-expansion, rise of powers to the East, and a crumbling economy. Really comforting news for Americans.

5. Scarlet, 2008

This one was more of a tumble than a fall if you think about it. But man, this was maybe the funniest thing I’d ever seen in my life and as far as I’m concerned, the invention of the Internet. 

4. (Water)fall, Pocahontas, early Act One 

I rewatched this clip and audibly gasped. That has to be a 100,000 foot drop? And she takes a running start, leaps into the air, holds the finish for what feels like an hour, and then pulls into a perfect swan dive with absolutely no splash at all. There’s a reason Pocohantas is our official #1 Human Disney Princess We Are in Love With, but a lot of the credit has got to go to this waterfall.

This was also where Pocahontas and John Smith fell in love after ‘Colors of the Wind,’ as well as a pivotal action scene with the bad white men as well. Just a really important waterfall plot-wise.

3. Jim Carrey, 1994

A man on the brink of greatness. His first smash hit, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, was released in February and he rode that high into The Mask, released over the summer to record setting numbers. For most mortals, this would be more than enough to coast through the rest of the year, but not James. He knew that coming in December was his greatest work yet – Dumb and Dumber. 

I cannot fathom how smug James must have felt this entire fall, accepting praise and knowing that his life would soon change forever. But even he couldn’t fathom the heights he would climb to or dream that one day, he would get to play the ultimate role….Joe Biden on SNL.

2. Autumn (500 Days of Summer)

Yes, it is super corny that the girl he meets after Summer is named Autumn. So what. Minka Kelly (Lila Garrity) is a gift from God. 

1. Fall of Man

The moment that Adam and Eve decided to alter humanity forever and eat that Red Delicious from the Garden of Eden. Yes, it totally sucks that after this, we were released from Paradise and forced to survive by typing little numbers into computers in exchange for chicken parm money. It is definitely not great that we now we have to wear clothes and pretend we like Jim Carrey. And don’t even get me started on the concept of skiing, which is an actual slap in the face to God and probably caused the Great Depression somehow.

While this world is honestly terrible, it is better than sitting around, blindly obeying God and not questioning a single thing he does. I refused to listen to an authority who doesn’t let you have premarital sex or eat apples. Apples are delicious, especially in cider and MacBook form.

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