This is life now. Cope with us.

Yes, We Can Tell That You’re Having a Separate Conversation in The Video Meeting

Consider this a PSA.  I don’t know who you think you’re fooling, but yes, we can 100% tell that you and your little work friend are messaging each other during this Zoom meeting. How could we possibly know? How did we crack this impossible code without the help of professional detective services, you ask?

Oh, I don’t know – maybe it’s your barely concealed smirk? The way you type furiously for 90 straight seconds, as our VP shares their screen, pausing only to make facial expressions completely unrelated to the discussion of Q4 targets at hand? How you glanced at your phone and howled in laughter, as your friend unsuccessfully tried to cover their mouth to suppress a grin? You do know that we can see you right? The mute button only works for sound. I thought Jeffrey Toobin was the only person who didn’t know this, but I guess I was wrong.

And look, it’s cool that you guys are friends and all. I’m happy you can have your little guffaws during the workday, I really am. But it just bothers me that it’s so blatant. Am I supposed to just ignore it? Should I start a group chat with the three of us and try to join in the fun? I wish I had the courage, but chances are, the thing that you’re laughing at….is me. And I can’t say I blame you.

Is it my shirt? I know it’s wrinkly, but I’m too afraid to iron after I burned a hole in my linen button-down last June. Plus, the ladies at the wash and fold are weirdly mean to me so that’s out of the question. But it’s not that wrinkly so it’s gotta be something else.

Is it because I have a framed poster of the Naked Brothers Band hanging in the background of the video call? No, that poster is a collector’s item. There’s nothing funny about that. Maybe it’s because I pronounce the beginning of the word ‘monetization’ like the French painter Monet? No, that’s the most cultured thing about me, it can’t be that. It must be something else.

I don’t get why you’d find this funny?

I know why you’re laughing. It’s because I suggested ‘Take Your Uncle to Work Day’ for the 11th time this year as a way to boost team morale.

It’s not supposed to be a joke. I think it would actually be a lot of fun. There’d be a lot of fake steal your nose tricks, asking ‘whatdya grow 6 inches since the last time, I saw ya?’, and maybe even a nice boys fishing trip to toughen you up. There’d be fun uncles, deadbeat uncles, and maybe even ‘guys who are just close friends with your dad but you call them uncle’ uncles. Those guys are cool. Honestly, what if Uncle Jesse makes an appearance and teaches us about family while playing guitar? You just don’t know what can happen on TYUTWD (abbreviation for Take Your Uncle to Work Day while is now useless because I had to type out the entire thing.)

So yea. Go ahead and laugh. But have the guts to do it to my face. I’m outta here

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