Work.Retire.Die.

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Yep, that’s right. Someone finally had the balls to go after Shark Week, better known as an overhyped snoozefest, and that man is me. The folks at Discovery Channel begged me not to write this, but I refuse to be silenced. I will praise the glorious hippo at every turn and have decided to dedicate over 1,500 words to this majestic triumph of a creation. All right let’s party and someone please buy me this car. 

facts about hippos

Let’s start with some education, so you shit-for-brains can start to understand what these glorious beasts are all about. 

1. Hippos Are a Vicious Creature

They look like cute, jolly little fat boys but hippos are some of the most violent creatures in the world. They can literally attack and kill pretty much any animal that tries to fuck with them, including a crocodile and a lion. A LION. 

They can also eat a watermelon in one bite which is #snackgoals.

2. Hippos Are Extremely Woke
In hippo culture, there are no real differences between male and females. The two genders look identical, divide child rearing responsibilities equally, and make almost identical salaries (there’s still a wage gap, but it’s less significant.) Humans have so much to learn from these incredible creatures, who teach us all that gender is a spectrum and we need to be more open minded. 

3. Hippos Cannot Read or Write
I hope this is not that surprising to you, but it needs to be said. It breaks my heart that they’ll never be able to understand the tribute we offer them. I hold out hope that one day, a Jane Goodall type will teach our hippo friends how to speak our human tongue and read our scribblings of praise and appreciation. 

4. Hippos Can Poop Extremely Far and Wide 
Similar to the human world, in hippo society, defecating is the most effective way to mark your territory. When hippos poop, they swing their tails and spray the excrement as far as possible, to ensure maximum distance. This is a great idea that i will be implementing in my office bathroom. 

5. Hippos Are Older Than Dinosaurs 
This may not be true, since I don’t know how old dinosaurs are. But, there are cave drawings of hippos from over 160,000 years ago which feels to be around the time Land Before Time happened, but I’m not totally sure.

Best Hippo Song

This one was really close. It came down to two extremely qualified candidates and neither of them made it easy for us. But this is a cut throat business and we need to declare a winner. Without further ado, join me in congratulating the 1947 classic “I Want A Hippopatomus for Christmas!” Sorry to The Hippo Polka– there’s always next year! 

Famous Hippos Throughout History

Hippos have been an absolutely vital presence in the world since God invented this planet when he was bored one day. I still haven’t forgiven him for forcing me to exist, but I will tip my hat and admit that he did a good job with these river-horses (Greek translation for hippopotamus)

Dolph the Fascist Hippo:

This is a Danish cartoon character, who is large, blue, extremely xenophobic and always armed with a baseball bat. He constantly tries to convince the world that it should accept him as a ruler, but is frustrated by his lack of success, which I can relate to. He hates seals, hippies, male hairdressers and the Danish Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen, which again, I completely understand. I watched a short clip, but I don’t understand a lick of Danish so I was very lost, but it seems pretty cool.

Pablo Escobar’s Hippos:

Back in the peak of his powers, the King of Cocaine bought a bunch of hippos and shipped them to his estate in Colombia. For those who don’t know, hippos are decidedly NOT native to South America. After he was captured, Pablo’s family basically just let the hippos roam free in Colombia. They have now bred and are absolutely destroying the ecosystem. I stopped watching Narcos after season two but this feels like a gigantic missed opportunity for that show. 

Gloria from Madagascar

The heart and soul of the entire franchise and the face that launched a thousand GIFs.  This big ol’ broad had spunk and also married a giraffe in the sequel. I pray for those children, I really do. 

Modern Hippo of the Week

Celebrity hippo Fiona, resident of the Cincinnatti Zoo and still distraught following the death of her close friend Harambe, got a little nervous when it came time to pick a Super Bowl winner this year. Her zookeepers set up two blocks, one with the Chiefs logo and one with the 49ers, and let her press her snout to the team she believed would win. Instead, she decided to vomit over the Kansas City logo, spraying the item in a glorious rainfall of freshly chewed vegetables. Goes without saying that I am putting down my entire life savings ($64) on the Chiefs.

Other Hippos You Did Not Think About

Hippocratic Oath – when doctors promise not to kill you or give you Adderall unless you need it or ask for it really nicely.

Hippo Water Rollers – these are cool things that people use to get water. I don’t really know what they have to do with hippos, but I’m also not that smart so I would take that with a grain of salt. 

Hippopotomonstrosequippedaliophobia – one of the longest words in the dictionary, that ironically means the fear of long words. If you have trouble remembering this word, don’t worry. There’s an easy synonym you can use – sesuipedalophobia. 

Inspirational Hippo Quote of the Week

I’ll leave you all with one final thought to inspire you and take you into the weekend. As the great Carl Sandburg once say, ‘There is an eagle in me that wants to soar and there is a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud.”

Embrace your inner hippo this weekend everyone .