On Wednesday, Prohibition turned 100 years old. In anticipation of the event that jumpstarted the Kennedy empire and career of my role model Al Capone, I have been practicing a Dry January. I am bravely starting this on January 7th and am allowing myself 2 cheat days as a treat. Many are saying this is more of a ‘drink a less little January’ or ‘practicing healthy drinking habits January,’ but those people are morons.
I have learned a lot in my week and a half of sobriety and am prepared to share it all with you. And please, do not call me a hero or a god – I’m just a man like the rest of you (albeit much much stronger and more impressive.)
7 Things you learn during dry january
7. you Automatically Become Better than Everyone Else
Overnight, you will transform into a superior person with at least a 15% better chance of getting into heaven. There is no need to make significant personal changes by doing things like visiting a therapist, treating people with respect, or starting to wash your feet in the shower. You are now permitted to spit on drinkers aka those who rely on a brown liquid that floods their brain to make them happy. I remember when I was that pathetic. I remember it like it was 9 days ago.
6. Life is boring
It is pretty eye-opening how much of your life is consumed by drinking. I obviously don’t really have hobbies – as I have often said, if you have hobbies, then we are probably not friends. Now that I don’t spend 60% of my time drunk or laying in bed hungover, I find myself doing strange things like exercising and re-arranging my room just to get through the weekend.
5. Plans are important
Sitting at a bar and drinking is a plan. Sitting at a bar and having a glass of water is not a plan. But what are plans? Maybe I’ll start raising a plant or something.
4. You still need to fill the hole.
Not a sex thing. No, this is about the need to fill the void inside of you with some sort of substance that is not alcohol. Luckily, this is Dry January, not sober January. I personally found the DARE program very engaging and am not really a drug guy, so that means that my tobacco intake has quadrupled. Last night, I smoked a Black & Mild Wine by myself, down to the absolute tip. Do you know how completely manic of a decision that is? My sobriety has arguably made me even less healthy but that is not the point of this blog.
3. Being around drunk people is annoying
Not a hot take, but hearing the same story multiple times and arguing with someone who won’t listen to reason is not fun. Especially when you are chugging waters and have to pee every 45 minutes (I also learned that water makes you pee.)
It is also eye-opening to realize that you are probably behaving the exact same way when you are drunk, unless you are me, an absolute delight who never becomes intolerable and prone to violent mood swings after 7 drinks.
2. People get pretty mad at you
Your friends who are drinking will shame you and call you names like ‘fake sober’ ‘annoying’ or ‘just doing this for attention.’ I can’t blame them, as these are all true and I’ve shamed many of my friends for this in the past. Still though, ease up. It’s nice to know you miss me but sheesh.
1. you may become too powerful for your own good
Sobriety is the new Adderall. Once you cut hangovers out of your life, you realize that not only are you better and more humble than anyone who touches alcohol (aka poison), you quickly become as powerful as Bradly Cooper in Limitless. I honestly wish I never discovered alcohol (that was a lie.) I may have to turn myself in to the police, because it is not fair to have this kind of strength walking around on this streets.