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Top 5 Things That Make You Feel Better Than Everyone

Like many of you (hopefully) I got my first vaccine this week. While I’m still struggling to decide if I should be referring to myself as “Vacc’d Up” or “Vaxxed Out,” one thing became clear the second that government mind control was injected into my bloodstream – I was now better than everyone else.

With the massive vaccine card in my hand (which by the way is anti-men because it’s too large to fit in a wallet but can easily fit in a purse) I knew that I had received one of the greatest gifts God can give – a clear reason for smugness. To celebrate this beautiful occasion, today we’re breaking down the Top 5 Things That Make You Feel Better Than Everyone Else.

Power Ranking Things That Make You Feel the Most Smug

Wait you got the Johnson and Johnson? You know that’s only 80% effective right?

5. Being the Only Person Not Looking at Their Phone in a Group Setting

What a powerful moment. You’re at a brunch with a few of your friends, having a nice time talking shit about your friends who aren’t there, and trying to flag down the waiter, who’s been a little slow on the refill for the bottomless mimosas and you’re starting to feel like it’s intentional. You turn back to your table to complain and you’re stunned to realize…everyone else is on their phone.

The nerve of these weak, technology addicted drones. They can’t take one second away from their tiny pocket computers to enjoy this beautiful meal? Sure, you checked your phone a mere 45 seconds ago, but that was to see if your work crush viewed your 3-part Instagram story. That was important. They might see you clinking glasses, notice the location you’ve strategically tagged, and DM you that you should totally meet up later. At the very least, they’ll know you have at least 3 friends and are aware of what a poached egg is.  Regardless, it’s just sad that your friends are so attached to their phones that they can’t be present, fully appreciating each other’s company?

It’s time to sigh deeply, clear your throat, and try to save these poor souls. It’s hard being the best, most grounded person in your friend group, but that’s why they keep you around.

PS- God forbid you’re one of those people who “doesn’t have social media.” You’re too powerful for this planet and transcend societal norms with your purity of spirit. We don’t deserve you.

4. Working at A Company for Slighter Longer than Someone Else

Sorry Bob but you just don’t get it. That’s a great idea, but we tried it before your time, and it doesn’t work here. No offense, but you never even worked with Monica, our former VP of marketing who created this strategy. It’s not your fault, but I can’t expect you to understand the inner workings of this incredibly unique company. Just last week, I asked you to pull the PPM from the NAC dashboard based on eCPR and you had no idea what any of those acronyms were. Leave it to the veterans ok pal?

“Oh sorry that was before your time, you probably don’t remember.”

3. Doing a Dry January

Or any month really. One of the most interesting side effects of quitting drinking is you instantly become a better person. Look at these pathetic losers, drowning their brains in fermented grains just to feel something. Don’t they know that they don’t need alcohol to have fun? You can do tons of fun stuff sober like go for a walk and think about starting a podcast. And that’s not even mentioning the hangover factor. Now that alcohol has left your body, you’ve become the most powerful, productive version of yourself. Sobriety is the new Adderall and you’re going to use this 30 day period to surpass everyone you know in all assets of professional, emotional and spiritual life.

Sure, you’re definitely way more boring now that you’re sober, but why be interesting when you can be superior? That’s the entire reason someone goes to Cornell.    

2. Correcting Someone’s Grammar Even Though You Knew What They Meant

There is no rush quite like bringing an entire conversation to a screeching halt by interrupting someone to tell them that they’ve made a humiliating grammar mistake. Everyone around you will watch in awe and admiration as you pretend you don’t understand what someone is talking about when they said “first come, first serve,“ when the expression is actually “first come, first served.” Sure, having a pleasant conversation is nice, but not as nice as correcting someone in the group chat who wrote “whose” when they should have said “who’s” and demonstrating just how firmly you grasp the rules of grammar.  Besides, when you think about it, you’re giving everyone an in-depth writing lesson completely free of charge. You’re actually being incredibly selfless.

Don’t even get me started on using a word that someone has to ask you to define. I’ve never done heroin, but I imagine if feels very similar to the warm realization that you have a superior vocabulary to someone else.

1. Understanding A Serious Film and Explaining to People

It doesn’t matter that the only reason you get the film’s ‘motif of loneliness’ is because you read a New York Times review on it that morning. That takes nothing away from the satisfaction of explaining the ‘deeply metaphorical plot structure’ to the simple-minded fools who merely watched the film to enjoy it, instead of over-analyzing it to the point of exhaustion like a grown up. Some people just don’t get art and that’s fine.

I don’t even want to talk about the dream scenario of the movie being based on a book that you’ve also read. I can’t let myself get excited thinking about delivering a detailed diatribe on the pros and cons of each medium for this particular story to an attentive crowd of 3-4 friends who stopped listening 10 minutes ago. Main-lining that much superiority and satisfaction in one sitting is dangerous.

When your friend says “Wait, I don’t get the ending”

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