It’s Soup Season Bitches

Boy oh boy. It’s my favorite time of the year. Summer is over and fall is upon us, which means it’s the most important season of all. I’m not talking about cuffing season (it’s a no girlfriend blog), apple picking season (besides maintaining a blog/meme account, activities are lame), or pumpkin spice latte season (making fun of pumpkin spice lattes is even more basic than pumpkin spice lattes.) No, my readers- I’m talking about SOUP SEASON.

As many of you know, I am a huge fan of soup. If you didn’t know that, maybe try getting to know me a little better. I’m not great with money and I still don’t get por vs. pora after 8 years of Spanish, but I can be a pretty nice guy when I want to.

But regardless, back to soup. Soup soup soup. All day I dream about your hot liquid running through my body, giving me sustenance and comfort. On this blog, we worship soup as the greatest dish in the food category for several reasons:

  1. It is very easy to prepare
  2. It doesn’t go bad ever
  3. You get to use soup spoons, which are the best utensil (forks a close second)
  4. It warms you right up
  5. It tastes postively delicious
  6. You always have room for soup

Simple enough. A harder question is, how do we define a soup? Well, you know it when you see it. It’s a liquid meal with some hunks of meat and veggies in there.

Is a smoothie a soup? No, it’s just fruits.

Is cereal a soup? No, it’s cold as ice.

What about oatmeal? It’s hot, but also no. It’s a grain (I think)

Basically, don’t have soup for breakfast. Or maybe you should. Even with all my experience, I’m still learning every day. And that’s a lesson for all of you as well.

Not all soups are created equal. And that’s why I’m here – to rank very important things you didn’t realize you wanted ranked. Without further ado, here is my official guide to the best soups to help you enjoy the best time of the year.

Top 10 Best Soups Ever

10. Wonton

Related image

This is good when you want both dumplings and soup and can’t make up your mind. Asian soups rock. My favorite thing is the spoon- just ideal for soup slurping. It was a close call but wonton outperforms egg drop (gets me gassy), hot & sour (make up your mind), and miso (I don’t like eating tofu out of principle.)

9. Italian Wedding

Related image

I’ve never been to an actual Italian wedding, but I imagine this is served at every course during the reception- otherwise, why the name? Because of this, I will be exclusively marrying Italian women moving forward. Ladies please apply via email or DM. Sicilians preferred.

My favorite part of this dish is those little orzos. I feel kind of bad for orzo. It’s always a side pasta. You’ll find it in salads and soups but never a main dish. Oh well. As the old saying goes, always the orzo, never the penne.

8. Soup, Bowling For 

This is the greatest band of the early 2000s and one of the most underrated bands of all time. They went on an absolute run from 2002 – 2004, releasing “1985,” “Girl All the Bad Guys Want,” and “Almost.” They were nominated for a Grammy in 2004, and walked away with the coveted “worst dressed” award for this baby blue ensemble.

Related image

Also, their music videos are hilarious.

Their guitarist looks like Fat Joe

Screen Shot 2018-09-19 at 7.00.59 PM

And they wrote the theme song to Phineas and Ferb, “Today Is Gonna Be A Great Day.” Top that, The Beatles.

7. Tortilla Soup

Related image
Yo soy delicioso

Lots of my gringo friends may have a problem with this one. Well I hope you burn in hell, you racist. Tortilla soup is fantastic. You get the nice little chip crunch mixed together with the perfect amount of spice. Add some avocado in there and we are headed to Flavorpueblo.

6. Clam Chowder (New England)

Image result for new england clam chowder bread bowl
I give half my paycheck to Panera during the fall

Yes, haters – chowders are soups. They’re the thickest kind.  And while New York is better than Boston in almost every way, when it comes to chowder I gotta hand it to the pilgrims. New York clam chowder is honestly gross. It’s just minestrone soup with some fish. New England brings the cream and it’s generally just a better clam. Go Jets though.

5. Chicken Noodle Soup

Related image

This is an American classic and a full meal. Starch, vegetables, meat. Perfect dish.

It’s also the best soup when you’re sick. Frankly, the best part about the weather getting cold is that you get sick more. I love being sick. You get to miss work, wrap yourself in blankets, binge Netflix, chug Nyquil and sleep 14 hours. Add a gigantic bowl of chicken noodle soup with about 45 saltines and you got yourself a day.

Damn I can’t wait to be sick. Oh wait…..I already am 😉

4. Chicken Noodle Soup for the Sports Fan’s Soul 

Screen Shot 2018-09-19 at 7.09.22 PM

Before smartphones, we didn’t have Instagram to look at while we pooped. So we had little books above the toilet to read. This was my favorite one – each story was about 3-4 pages and inspirational as all heck. Closest equivalent would be those SportsCenter segments about a military member coming home or some 11 year old without a leg winning a wrestling tournament. There was one story in this book about Michael Jordon mentoring inner city Chicago youths that I get choked up at just thinking about. MJ > Lebron

3. Lobster Bisque

Image result for lobster bisque

I like a nice bisque from time to time. Sue me. This is the soup for when I want to feel like a fancy boy, which is more frequently than I’m willing to admit to myself or my therapist. Give me a top hat. Meet me at the country club. Light that cigar. Let’s talk about how rich we are over a nice lobster bisque.

2. Matzah Ball 

Image result for matzo ball soup

I hold the Jews entirely responsible…..for my 2 favorite bread items, Challah and Matzah Ball soup. Folks, that’s what we call a misdirection. No Anti-Semitism here. Matzah ball soup is so unbelievably good. Sometimes you get 3 medium sized balls, sometimes you get one gigantic fella. Either way, it’s a tremendous treat.

1. Tomato 

Image result for tomato soup

It’s the perfect soup. Creamy. Simple. Surprising. It doesn’t try to be something it’s not. It’s just delicious and warms your heart. Put some croutons in that and slurp away. Welcome to heaven.

Most Over-Rated Soups:

  • Broccoli Cheddar
    • Broccoli sucks. Also, how did they make it into a liquid? Don’t want to stick around to find out.
  • Butternut Squash
    • Not a picky eater, but this is the one thing I refused to eat growing up. I prefer my butter and my nuts completely separated. Also, what is the point of squash?
  • Split Pea
    • Bro, for real? They’re peas ~crying laughing emojii~
  • French Onion
    • The cheese on top of the soup can be very hard to manage with a spoon. Plus, this boy has me fartingggg
  • Minestrone
    • You think I want beans in my soup? Get outta here
  • Gazpacho
    • Cold soup? Why bother? Save it for the summer, surfer dude.
Image result for broccoli in a blender
Where I come from, broccoli belongs in a pot not a blender

Best Liquid Based Dishes that Didn’t Qualify As Soups And Had To Be Cut

  • Gumbo
    • This is a stew
  • Cereal
    • Delicious, but milk is hardly a stock and cereal is just bread and sugar. Next please.
  • Chili
    • Again, more of a stew to me. Also, you can put chili on a hot dog or fries. Can you do that with a soup? I hope you don’t.
  • Melted Ice Cream
    • Don’t think I’ll get a lot of pushback on this one. Yes it is soupy but no, not a soup.
  • Ramen
    • Ramen is making a push into the mainsream and could not be happier. I just feel like it’s too noodley for me to consider it a soup. It’s mainly a chopstick dish – I need my soups to be spoon-forward.
  • Pho
    • I’m a gigantic Pho fan. Once went to a place called Pho Tay Do. Delicious food and also the strangest decorations I’ve ever seen in any establishment. See below.

Best Pop Culture References Involving Soup That Had to Be Cut Because I Like So Many Actual Soups That I Felt Bad Leaving Any Off

  • Soup Nazi – Seinfeld

I feel like every person over the age of 35 quotes this the second you mention the word soup. It kind of annoys me tbh.

  • Wonton Soup, Lil B

This song and dance was a huge deal in high school. It also catapulted Lil B to fame, which he now abuses to curse random sports figures. Has the man put out a song in years? I honestly don’t know.

  • Soup Snakes, Michael Scott quote

Very sweet episode where Michael realizes him and Holly are still meant to be, even though she’s with that jerk-off AJ. Slumdunder Mifflionaire is an all time skit. This moment reminds me of a time I drunk texted a girl I had a crush on that we were ‘soil mates’ when I really meant ‘soul mates’ and played it off super cool and wasn’t humiliated at all.

  • Soup Du Jour, Dumb and Dumber

I honestly just learned that Soup du Jour wasn’t a specific flavor of soup, so I don’t find this clip that funny.

That’s all. Send me pics of you eating soup so I can pretend I have friends.

2 thoughts on “It’s Soup Season Bitches

Leave a Reply