Work.Retire.Die.

*Special shoutout to consultants Emperor Mizuno, Cabe the McBabe, Jo and Pale Bitch*

Here at WRD, we love movies and we really miss high school sports. It’s finally time to combine those two passions into a blog that the world desperately needs – the Fictional Teen Athlete Awards.

We’re going to be doing 2 things here:

1. Top 10 Athletes:
   • This is not a ranking of best characters. It’s based on their athletic talent. I know you like Matt Saracen, but he’s a pedestrian game manager who only played because he was dating Coach Taylor’s daughter. There, I said it.
2. Senior Superlatives:
   • Categories for other beloved athletes who did not crack the top 10.
   • We have the following categories:
     • Biggest Heart-throb
     • Best Athlete from a Disney Channel Original Movie
     • Best Animal Athlete Who’s Not Air Bud (Spoiler)
     • Best Girl Who Wasn’t Supposed to Play with the Boys
     • Best Villain
     • Best Friday Night Lights Player Who’s Not Vince (Spoiler)
     • Best At The Thing They Actually Like, Which Isn’t Sports, OK DAD?!?!?!

Who is Eligible?

• Players must be in high-school or younger
  • This rules out all the professional athletes we know and love, such as Steamin’ Willie Beaman from Any Given Sunday and Quincy and Monique from Love and Basketball, more commonly referred to as the greatest love story ever told.
• Players must be entirely fictional
  • This rules out movies that are based on real events, so we have to eliminate Ty Crane from the 2005 classic Coach Carter as well as Gary Bertier, All-American linebacker in Remember the Titans 
    • Fun fact – the real Gary Bertier had 42 sacks in 13 games his senior year. That’s 3 sacks a game. Keep in mind this is 1971- I doubt teams are throwing the ball more than 10 times a game. I digress.
• Only 1 player from each fictional universe for the Top 10
  • That means we can only select one player from the Friday Night Lights TV show series, which means some really tough decisions.

Let’s get into it.

Top 10 Fictional Teen Athletes

10. Troy Bolton, High School Musical

For those who watched the full trilogy (I’m assuming all of you), we know that Troy eventually committed to UC Berkeley, where he plans to major in theatre. He’s got a smooth handle and a buttery jumpshot, which helped him dominate for the Wildcats. However, he’s only at the 10 spot because I’m genuinely concerned he’ll quit the team to pursue a career in musical theatre and get back with Gabriella. Plus, I just think he’s kind of a little bitch.

9. Buddy, Air Bud

I could talk your ear off about Air Bud until the cows come home, but I won’t.  He’s extremely talented but is going to face some size issues since he cannot be more than 2 feet tall. I also have trouble respecting a dog who made his bones dominating 5th graders. Even if Air Bud is like 3 years old, that’s at least 21 in dog years. Have some respect.

8. Kelly Leak, Bad News Bears

This was one badddddd mothafucka. Talentwise, he’s everything you’d want. Defensively, he covers so much ground in centerfield that he literally catches balls that were hit directly to the right fielder. Unfathomable power for a 12 year old. Only major red flags are the liabilities from a likely motorcycle crash and the fact that he chain smokes cigs at 12 years old. Not great.

7. Vince Howard, Friday Night Lights

Before he became a big star and appeared in That Awkward Moment (acknowledged amongst critics as the greatest rom-com of all time) Michael B. Jordan was Vince Howard, QB 1 at East Dillon High. He was so much more than an electric runner with a rocket arm and scholarships from every school in the country. He overcame his father’s incarceration and his mother’s drug addictions to not only serve as a role model to his siblings, but become a leader and bring together a divided school. Beat that Tim Riggins.

6. Henry Rowengartner, Rookie of the Year

At the top of his game, there was no one better. He threw 100+ MPH on every fucking pitch and from my memory, struck out literally every single batter. Him and Chet Steadman aka “Rocket” formed the most lethal 1-2 starting pitcher combos since Schilling-Pedro on the ’04 Red Sox (don’t @ me)

The reason he doesn’t crack the top 5 is mainly because he re-broke his arm and now just throws like a normal kid. Yes, he struck out that steroids guy on the Mets with an eifus pitch that he learned from his Mom. But without his fastball, batters will eat him alive. I give him 1 – 2 years before he flames out and ends up on the Newark Bears or something.

Also he bailed on his friends a lot. Don’t love that about him. We respect loyalty on this blog.

5.  Jesus Shuttlesworth, He Got Game 

This kid was on the cover of Sports Illustrated as a 17 year old, an honor usually reserved for the Lebron James’ of the world. His game very closely mirrors Ray Allen, a 2 time NBA champion and likely first ballot Hall of Famer. He’s headed to Big State in the fall, which has a solid program but concerns me. Judging from his recruiting trip, I’m a worried he may get a bit distracted in college.

4. Calvin Cambridge, Like Mike 

I mean, he’s as good as Michael Jordan, who is generally considered the greatest real player of all time (sorry Lebron but you’re a pussy.) There’s an obvious height issue, but still- the kid is dropping 40+ a night and posterizing legitimate NBA stars. However, there’s the very real concern of his magic shoes. Will he be the same player once he learns that the magic has actually been inside him the whole time and he doesn’t need his lucky footwear? Tbd.

3. Pablo Sanchez, Backyard Baseball

There was always that one kid in your neighborhood that was just good at everything. It could be football, basketball, 4-square, wall ball, or flipping a water bottle so it stands upright- he’s just the best. That kid was Pablo. He was amazing at all the sports but baseball is where he really shines. That scorecard says it all. He is literally as good as you could possibly be in every single category. Except pitching where he is just very good. Sue him.

2. Benny the Jet Rodriguez, The Sandlot

Benny the Jet is one of the most decorated backyard athletes of all time. Stealing home. Hitting 2 home runs against those assholes from across town. Getting the ball back from the Beast. Talking to the ghost of Babe Ruth. Hitting the hide off a goddam baseball. These are all great accomplishments, but none of them can top this moment:

Most grown men don’t have that kind of top flight hand eye coordination, let alone the emotional maturity to recognize that Smalls could really use a break right now. Benny is my hero and he should be all of yours too.

1. John Tucker, John Tucker Must Die

This may be my favorite movie of all-time. I know the moral of the story is John Tucker is an asshole, but come on- he’s the man. He’s hooking up with 3 of the hottest girls in the entire school, he’s the star of the basketball team, plus he’s charming, charismatic, and honestly just kind of a sweet guy. In that picture above, he’s asking out a fourth girl who may be even hotter than the others (sorry Ashanti) in the final seconds of regulation, with his team down a bucket, and the conference semifinal on the line. He refuses to shoot until she agrees to go out with him – when she does, he calmly turns around and drains a 3 as time expires. That’s moxie. That’s the clutch gene.

Oh and he can do a front flip dunk.

That’s Earth shattering athleticism, creativity, poise and alpha male leadership. Sign me up.

SENIOR SUPERLATIVES

Now, not everyone can be a top 10 athlete, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a shout-out. Consider the following Super Superlatives as prestigious as winning an ESPY or a Teen Choice Award.

BIGGEST HEART-THROB

Winner: Jake Wyler, Not Another Teen Movie

Not Another Teen Movie is easily the funniest parody movie of all time (Scary Movie 3 comes in second) and maybe top 20 comedies ever. Now, Jake Wyler is definitely not that talented of an athlete. In fact, the running joke of the movie is how terrible he is. However, the ladies absolutely loved him, which as we know, is 75% of what it takes to be a good high school quarterback. Chris Evans’ break-out role.

Runner Ups: Tim Riggins, Friday Night Lights; Nathan Scott, One Tree Hill; Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill

BEST ATHLETE FROM A DISNEY CHANNEL ORIGINAL MOVIE 

Winner: Andy “Brink” Brinker, Brink

With all due respect to Tony Hawk, Brink was the most talented extreme sports athletes of our era. Yes, many question why he’d bail on the Soul Skaters to join Team X-Bladz when he’s always been a pure skater at heart. Well his dad was on disability and the family needed the money so fuck right off. And that final scene where he beats Val is pretty freakin’ sweet so who’s laughing now?

Runner Ups: Johnny “Tsunamai” Kapahala, Johnny Tsunami; Kyle Johnson, Luck of the Irish

BEST ANIMAL ATHLETE WHO’S NOT AIR BUD

Winner: Jack, Most Valuable Primate

As man’s closest relative, sports probably come more naturally to him than any other species, so it’s a little unfair. But you still can’t deny the fact that he scored roughly 6 goals a game and led the Nuggets to a championship after they seemed dead in the water. That’s Wayne Gretzky shit

Runner Ups: Demon, Snow Dogs; Bugs Bunny, Space Jam

BEST GIRL WHO WASN’T SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH THE BOYS

Winner: Viola, She’s the Man

This is top 10 movies that I’ll always watch when it’s on TBS. After dominating on her girl’s team, Viola initially struggles once she starts pretending to be her twin brother Sebastian. However, that’s probably more because she was weighed down by her double life and in love with Channing Tatum. Once she comes to terms with herself, she realizes her true value and scores the game winning goal against her ex boyfriend Justin’s team. Ladies take note- when it comes to getting revenge on an ex, this is much healthier than posting a bikini pic on Instagram or sleeping with their best friend.

Runner Ups: Icebox, Little Giants; Amanda Wurlitzer, Bad News Bears; Jess Bahram, Bend it Like Beckham

BEST VILLAIN: 

Winner: Spike, Little Giants

Yes that is an 11 year old lifting an entire fridge on his back. Spike channels his rage at his asshole father into an absolutely dominant season on the Cowboys. Even in a brutal loss to the Little Giants, he still manages to pull off 4 touchdowns. See you in Canton Spike.

Runner Ups: Billy Zabka, Karate Kid; Ryan McCarthy, Never Back Down

BEST FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS ATHLETE WHO’S NOT VINCE: 

Winner: Smash Williams

Smash had to battle a lot of demons during his high school career. The steroid scandal. A serious knee injury. Beating up some kids in a movie theatre. But by the end, he turned the corner and earned a spot on Texas A&M, seemingly leaving his attitude problems in the past. God bless you Smash.

Runner Ups: Jason Street (in wheelchair handball); Tim Riggins; Luke Cafferty; Voodoo; JD McCoy

BEST AT THE THING THEY ACTUALLY LIKE WHICH ISN’T SPORTS, OK DAD?!?!:

Winner: Eddie Ginoff, Eddie’s Million Dollar Cookoff

Even though he lost the contest, Bobby Flay said he had the best dish. ‘Nuff said.

Runner Ups: Troy Bolton, High School Musical; Finn Hudson, Glee (RIP)