Corporate Espionage is BACK, and It’s About Damn Time

*Editor’s Note: On Father’s Day, I got some good feedback from dear old Dad: do more blogs on recent news items. I also spent 30 minutes trying to explain to him what a meme was (unsuccessful) but I guess you take the good with the bad. Regardless, I immediately thought of our latest guest writer Shark, a wildly average entrepreneur operating a Fortune 10000 company down in the slums of Virginia. He’ll be updating you guys every week or so on the latest news in the start-up world so you guys have something interesting to talk about at lunch for once. Enjoy.

Corporate Espionage is BACK, and It’s About Damn Time

Hello friends,

My name is Shark, and I’m the newest member of the WRD team. I’ve been tasked with bringing you all the latest breaking news when it comes to the last frontier of business: Startups. With that said, let us jump right into it with the big news from yesterday.

Elon Musk ($TSLA +4%) announced that he found a saboteur in the higher-ups at Tesla, that has been fucking with Model 3 production over the last 3 months by altering the code in the assembly line and by starting fucking fires on the production floor. Before we jump into the top 3 most likely culprits, let’s get some quick background on Tesla and the shitstorm that Elon (btw, you know Elon is banging some super-genius emo singer? Weird shit.) has found himself in.

  • Elon Musk is the polarizing founder of Tesla, SolarCity, The Boring Company, SpaceX, and a few other companies that try to solve the unsolvable.
  • Over the past few months, Elon has come under severe scrutiny from the pencil-pushers over on wall street, because he makes wild promises about his businesses, that he never comes close to achieving (very similar to that of a guy telling a girl (or guy( …its 2018(get over it))) whatever it takes to get the nut).
  • Recently, he has been getting a bunch of shit for not achieving his promise of manufacturing 5,000 Model 3 Tesla’s a week. Shit got so intense, the wall-street nerds tried removing Elon as chairman of Tesla but failed to secure enough support to remove him.
  • In response, Elon started sleeping at the factory and made another promise; that they will achieve profitability in the next 6 months (no chance).
  • On Sunday, Elon sent a company-wide email stating that they found the saboteur and that he may not be working alone. Not more than 12 hours later, a mysterious fire broke out on the production floor for the Model 3’s.

With the playing field set, let’s discuss who we think has the balls to start fucking with Musk…

Inspector_Gadget_Thinking
Inspector Shark is on the case. Rest easy, civilians.
  1. Big Gas Industry

I mean…. This is a no-brainer. Next to #BigTobacco, Big Gas is the sketchiest dude on the block. Half of Tesla’s value prop is that you don’t need gas for the cars to work. When you couple this with the fact that gas prices have skyrocketed(+15%) over the past 6 months, the concept of an electric car is starting to sound pretty good (Kinda like the beat chick from back home who you told your boys you definitely wouldn’t bang until you had another 10 vodka sodas cause it was an open bar at your high-schools 5 year reunion, and you decided to say fuck it and bring her to pound town in the coat check closet).

Probability: Pretty Likely / 10

  1. Wall Street

You know, I’ve never considered myself a numbers guy, always been more of an idea guy, but you must hand it to the nerds. When they need something done, they know how to do it. As mentioned before, Elon and Wall Street have always been at odds. It all started when Elon decided to take Tesla public instead of keeping it private. Once Wall Street(- 7%) gets their hands on the hot new startup, they like to teach the founder a lesson, to let him know who is in charge. While these tactics work for other companies(Like those dweebs at SnapChat (-17%)) Elon is a different breed. A perfect example of this was Tesla’s last quarterly call, where Elon called the analysts “boring” and hung up on them. After that, Tesla stock plummeted 15%. Elon’s response? Double down and buy a shitload of his own stock. Most people on wall street tend to be compensating for something, so you could imagine that they did not enjoy the troll job from our boy Elon.

Probability: Not as likely / 10

analyst-
Dude we get it, you’re 12 and making six-figures. Stop being such a dick about it
  1. China

It has been well established that these fucks love stealing our I.P. China has been credited with “The Great Brain Robbery” which claims that China has stolen over $1,000,000,000,000 in US I.P since 2010, and have cost us over 2,000,000 jobs. As you can imagine, the big guy in charge (S/O Trump) points to this as one of the main reasons for his tariffs. “But shark, why Tesla”. Well, friend, China has the worst pollution problem in history(don’t fax check me there). The problem is so severe that they have passed laws that dictate what days of the week you can drive. With this in mind, you can imagine how helpful the I.P around tesla’s mainframe and operating system could be.

Probability: 7/10

china_cyber_power
Give us all your secrets and your women America

 

There you have it, Sharks 3 most likely saboteurs. If I had to put money on it, I would guess #BigGas. Those dude’s pretty much run the world and would have more than enough connections to infiltrate/fuck Tesla. Sound off in the comments below with who you think it is, or if you think its someone whomst I left off the list.

你的朋友,

Shark

P.S. Lets get something straight. I’m an ideas guy, not a detail guy; this means that I don’t do grammer. So before any of you, nerds get all hissy, know that we at WRD do not give a fuck about proper grammer(except the founder, he may or may not have been an English major(nerd.))

3 thoughts on “Corporate Espionage is BACK, and It’s About Damn Time

  1. This is the most informative WRD article since that stellar bullet train piece penned by the incomparable 720 Dave

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