Work.Retire.Die.

In case you missed it, in the past few months, we’ve covered the Citizen App and it’s ridiculousness (Part I and Part II can be found here.) For those too lazy to click a goddam link, this app alerts you whenever a crime is happening around you. It’s a combination of police scanner and crimes reported by citizens like you and me. Whenever a crime is happening near you, you get an alert from the app.

The issue here is that normal people are reporting these incidents, so basically 1 out of every 10 updates is an actual crime. They generally fall into the following categories

1. We Need Answers – the one sentence blurb on this crime creates more questions than answers.
2. Helpful Info but not a Crime – thanks for the update Citizen gang but let’s keep this to actual crimes.
3. Why do we need to know this? – like who posts this?
4. Bizarre But Delightful- these are why I keep coming back.

A recent feature that was added is a chat functionality. That’s right, you can chat with your fellow citizens right on the app that warns you about dangerous crimes in your area. Knowing people, they’re definitely just chatting about how to stay safe in crimeful situations right?

Nah, they are trying to party and also asking for drugs at 2:40 am. Welcome to New Yawkk kid!

Another recent development I’ve started to notice is an increase in false alarms.

Why do I need an alert on my phone for something that didn’t happen? I got shit to do people. Let’s stick to the real crimes like this:

Pretty sad. Anyways, without further ado, let’s get to some of the more ridiculous ones from the past few weeks. There’s gonna be a few new categories this time:

• Narrow it Down: not helpful. Need more details
• Not a Big Deals: maybe technically “crimes” but like whatever
• These Teens Gotta Chill: teenager crimes
• Strange Weapons: People getting attacked by strange weapons
• The Delightful: quite zany and fun

Let’s get after it.

Citizen App Updates – 6/21

Narrow It Down:

Ok no offense but you just described half the people I see on a daily basis- can you please be a bit more specific users!

These are also the 2 types of people I’m the least likely to bother. If you think I’m approaching a Black man in his late 20s – early 30s wearing a du-rag and trying to apprehend him based on a tip from this app, you’re nutso pal. And the 103 year old Asian man would either spit on me or put a hex on me. Not fucking with that.

Please note that these are 2 separate incidents of male nudity, miles from each other. Us men just want to showcase our bodies, but we are treated as criminals. Just another example of the shameful double standard in today’s society.

I will say, hats off to the fully naked man. People expose themselves all the time, but this guy has taken all of his clothes off, right outside the check cashing store! Did he arrive naked or strip down to celebrate cashing a check? No way to know but color me interested.

Not a Big Deals:

What kind of water? Is this person taking a bath? Not a crime! Are they in the East River? Also not totally sure if that’s a crime. Definitely not smart but like we don’t need to alert our entire city. It’s hot out and the man is going for a swim – let people live.

This boat has fallen and it can’t get up. Is the boat in distress or are the people in distress? I’m sorry but I don’t care about a boat breaking down. It’s a machine. One day machines will rule us all but NOT TODAY!

Ok hand up- this one was me. Why’d I do it? Oh I don’t know…maybe because I’m a FREAKING MANIAC WHO LOVES BEER. Lmao someone stop me I’m nuts.

These Teens Gotta Chill

15 teens!!!!!!! Jesus Christ what is wrong with the youth of today. In my day, teenage summers were spent doing 2 things- 1) loitering around town pretending we were going to talk to girls or 2) creating ourselves as players in Madden 2007 (Shaun Alexander cover) and winning 11 Super Bowls and 13 MVPs in a full 14 year career. We did not wrangle up a crew of us to assault women. At least if we did, I wasn’t invited.

This sounds kind of fun. To the guy who reported this – you got small welts on your body and you go to the police. Chill out pal.

Strange Weapons:

Screwdriver is a sneaky effective weapon. Good for poking of the eyes and stabbing of the body. Definitely not a murder weapon but definitely not a toy either.

Like the animal? Is this man being beaten with the lifeless corpse of a bat? Or is this a highly trained bat, instructed to fly through the subway and attack this? Is it…dare I say…a vampire bat???  If so, as a city we are completely fucked. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were already a bunch of vampires hanging out in this godforsaken town. Head on a swivel. Head. On. A. Swivel.

You know the old adage – some days are good and some days you get beaten with an umbrella on Nostrand and Fulton. Just the way life goes.

The Bizarre:

When it comes to fleeing, golf cart may be bottom 3 vehicle of choice. Thing goes like 12 miles an hour tops and can’t exactly fit into tight spots.

Another interesting wrinkle, no theft occurred yet it’s unclear whether it’s his cart or not. So what is he fleeing? His problems? #relatable

Honestly may not be that bizarre. This probably happens more often than you’d think. On top of my respect for taxi drivers, this is yet another reason that I’d never be an Uber driver.

Ok so now laser tag in illegal. Lock me up DiBlasio. I will die on this cross.