Work.Retire.Die.

Corporate-speak is a language all of its own and it would take a Harvard linguist professor many lifetimes to master. Luckily for you, I am a genius and have already figured it all out. Because I am one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, I will be sharing my knowledge, free of charge.

Each week/3 months we will be defining three (3) corporate buzzwords and how to use them in an office and in the real world. Find our master list of Buzzwords click HERE.

1. Low-Hanging Fruit

Definition (work): Something that can be achieved with little effort or work.

Work Example:

Boss: We need to overdrive our Q3 sales. What’s some low-hanging fruit we can take care of right away?

Employee: Well first off, maybe we should start charging consumers for our products.

Boss: You’re a goddam genius Jim.

Definition (real life): Obvious opportunities to improve something in your life

Real Life Example:

Guy 1: Dude I really want a girlfriend.

Guy 2: Maybe you should start brushing your teeth more than once a week. Seems like low-hanging fruit. 

Guy 1: Oh I’m sorry- I didn’t realize toothpaste just grew on trees, Mr. Moneybags.

Camera pans out to reveal they are in a forest full of blossoming trees, their sturdy branches bearing countless Crest Complete Whitening Scope toothpaste (the green kind.) There is so much freakin’ toothpaste it’s not even funny. Well, it is funny, but only like in a “you had to be there” kind of way. A strong breeze blows through and a limb sags to the ground, and one tube grazes the soft grass. It is now a low-hanging fruit. Guy 2 picks it up and hands to Guy 1.  

Guy 2: Mr. Moneybags is my father. Just call me Mr.

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2. Core Competencies 

Definition (work): A defining strength that separates a company from its competition

Work Example:

Reporter: So what distinguishes your company from all the others? What are some of your core competencies?

Arby’s CEO: Well, we have the meats.

Reporter: Ah yes yes, of course.

Definition (real life): Personal strengths or abilities.

Real Life Example:

Friend 1: Yo do you want to come over and smoke?

Friend 2: Ehhh I haven’t smoked weed since college. Not really a core competency of mine anymore.

Friend 1:  Oh no, I meant crack.

Friend 2: It has been a while since I’ve ruined my life….

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3.  Value-Add

Definition (work): the contribution you make to your company and/or the reason you have a job.

Work Example:

Boss: Look Kyle, I need you to pick it up. Layoffs may be coming and all you did is look at memes on your phone. Can you show some value add? 

Kyle is sitting at his desk, looking at his phone and not paying attention in the slightest. 

Kyle: Hey boss, glad I got you here. Check out this meme from @WorkRetireDie, affectionately called the Content King by his peers.

Boss: Ok that’s pretty funny. And he seems like a catch!

Definition (real life): The reason people would want you around.

Real Life Example:

Chip: Yo why isn’t Jason invited to your beach house this weekend?

Tony: Honestly, he just kinda sucks. He talks too much, doesn’t help clean, and never pays for anything.

Chip: Yeah, he’s got no value add.