BREAKING NEWS- Air Bud Overdoses on Brownies, Feared Dead
Sad news today out of Los Angeles, as former basketball star Air Bud has reportedly eaten an entire plate of chocolate fudge brownies from Mrs. Johnson’s kitchen, in what family is calling an accidental overdose but many fear is an attempt at his own life. Mr. Bud is currently being held at the local veterinary, fighting for his life, as mourners and well wishers numbering in the tens to twenties clamor outside the hospital showing their support.
This marks another chapter in the tumultuous career of the greatest dog athlete God has probably ever invented. Air Bud, known as Buddy to close friends, rose to fame in 1997, after fleeing his previous owner (a mean clown) and getting rescued by Josh, a nice enough kid. Buddy soon discovered his athletic talent, absolutely dominating 6th graders in basketball with his sharpshooting and tenacious rebounding. He soon tired of basketball but not of dominating underdeveloped tweens. He joined the football team and scored like a million touchdowns because it’s super hard to tackle a golden retriever. Once he’d conquered the gridiron, he moved on to soccer, baseball, and even volleyball because this dog is literally good at everything. Once his athletic career had run its course, he tackled the silver screen, starring as Comet, the family dog in Full House, for several seasons, even nabbing a few Emmy nominations along the way.
Despite his successes on the field and on the screen, his career was marked by controversy since its inception. Parents consistently said that it was super unfair that a full grown golden retriever was allowed to compete against middle school kids still coming into their bodies and that it was kind of fucked up that a dog was taking the spot of an actual human child on the varsity teams. In response, Buddy and his owner Josh started a “Dogs are People Too” movement, which was shut down immediately because that’s just not true. Close friends say that all the controversy led Buddy to snap, and the good boy they once knew began to spiral, spurred on by the tailwinds of depression, substance abuse and loose women.
After a string of public mistakes in 2003, including peeing on Steven Spielberg’s lawn and eating all his trash, Buddy appeared to have turned his life around, marrying long time girlfriend and high school sweetheart Molly. They soon popped out a litter of 5 puppies, all named after Buddy in a weird way; Rosebud, Buddha, Budderball, Mudbud, and B-Dawg. However, Buddy chafed at domesticity and continued to live a life of glamour and excess, running around town with the Olsen twins and his posse of celebrity dogs, including Marley and Beethoven. He was rumored to have been involved in multiple extra-marrital affairs, ranging from the embarrassing (Lady, the wife of his close Tramp) to the downright strange and cross species (Nala from the Lion King.) He began dabbling in recreational drugs, often bragging about spending $20k on rawhides alone, and spending most nights digging peanut butter out of a rubber chew in the VIP section of LA’s hottest clubs.
After a very public divorce from Molly and the death of close friend and fellow bad boy Marley, Buddy truly began to unravel. A trotting under the influence (TUI) charge led to 7 weeks at the kennel, basically a lifetime in dog years. Alienated from close friends and without a bone to his name, he took to the streets, scavenging for food and chew toys. He had become a very bad dog. After he was found unconscious on Hollywood Boulevard, close friends Owen Wilson, former owner Josh and the dog from Homeward Bound stepped in and checked him into rehab. According to friends, he’d begun to turn a corner, living in a halfway house and befriending former bad dog turned good boy, Hercules from the Sandlot. But ultimately, Buddy’s demons were too powerful and he fled, turning to the hard stuff and seeking the first plate of brownies he could find.
The public waits anxiously to hear the news on this once great star that was beloved by so many, hoping that his 13 years of life do not come to an end on such a sour note. Even if he does pass, many take solace in the fact that all dogs go to heaven. That’s good and all for Buddy, but here at WRD this tragic event has caused us to look inward and examine our own life. We ask the fateful question; do all blogs go to heaven too?
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