Week Old News 1/25
Well reader, you’ve done it again. Fallen asleep at the wheel while the news world has passed you by. Luckily for you, you are a loyal WRDie with access to a talented blogger willing to do anything for his readers. One could even say you are a (WorkRetire) Die Hard reader. As always, these are THE hottest news stories at LEAST 1 week after they’ve happened.
Try-hard Alert: There’s a 24 year old Running the US Drug Policy Office
This fucking guy. I’m the same age as this dildo. Now some may say he’s doing great in this world. Some may say that it makes me look pathetic that he’s running an important government organization while I lose my credit card every weekend and don’t even bring my computer home after work. You’d be wrong. Apparently, no one told him that 24 year olds are supposed to be doing cool stuff like Tindering, not getting promoted, and calling their parents and asking how to cook spaghetti bolognese (this is just hamburger meat and red sauce btw.)
Plus Trump asked me to do this position anyways and I turned him down. I told him my only drug policy is that they are awesome and not nearly strong enough for cool kids like me. We high-fived and headed our separate ways. You don’t know this because I’m not one to brag. Have a slice of humble pie “Taylor Weyenth.”
Cheaters Never Prosper: Moscow Only Got 6 Minutes of Sunlight in December and Please No One Feel Sorry for Them.
My good friend Karma is undefeated once again. In case you don’t have a brain or eyes, Russia’s Olympic team got totally hashtag busted for doping in the 2014 Olympics and Rocky IV. They were doing more steroids than my dad after mom left him for her personal trainer. So enough to kill a young rhino but apparently not my dad. Luckily, the rest of the world saw the same Netflix documentary and decided to ban them from the 2018 Olympics. Big win for humanity right? Wrong.
Mother Nature decided that humans were being little pussies and hadn’t punished the Russians enough. What’d she do? Oh not much, just hid the precious sunlight from them for the entire month of December. I tip my cap to her and not just because she is a former lover of mine. She understands that cheating cannot be tolerated. Unless it’s her cheating on me with Father Time. All’s fair in love and war. Regardless, it is always better to over-punish a mistake than let transgressions slide. I wouldn’t be surprised if she upped the ante. Maybe she won’t give Russia any wind for all of Q1 or something like that. Take that Putin!!!
Parents Be Warned! New Dangerous Internet Trend Could Kill Every Teen On the Planet
Teens teens teens. Can’t live with ’em, can’t have cool Internet stuff without them. However, sometimes the line between cool and certain death gets blurred. And this most recent trend toes that line a little tooo closely. If I understand correctly, teens are now planking like mannequins every chance they can get. Not only are they pretending to be statues, but they are listening to the Harlem Shake while doing it. Harlem? Now that doesn’t sound safe. To make matters worse, some police officers have even reported our youth swallowing entire spoonfuls of cinnamon while pouring condoms full of water on their friends head. This is not to be confused with an even scarier trend of dumping entire buckets of ice water on their head to raise awareness for a disease known as ALS (never heard of it.)
Obviously, parents are frightened. As the King of the Internet, I consider it my personal responsibility that all parents sleep well at night. That’s why I invented the iron clad 18+ security gate to all porn sites. Good luck defeating that one, teens. But I swear, on the power of my throne , that the Internet will be a safe place once again. If we don’t act now, we could have them swallowing laundry detergent or something like that.
End of an Era? Pats are Probably Done After This Shocking Story
Who are these ESPN guys? This scrappy sports start-up has published yet another scorching hot article. I’ll be honest. It was pretty long so I didn’t read all of it (hypocritical of me) but the general gist is that Tom Brady tried really hard to be friends with Jimmy Garappolo for like years. However, Jimmy already had a bunch of close high school friends and he also didn’t really go out that much since he had a girlfriend. Understandable, but Tom is pretty persistent and also desperately lonely. Brady thought maybe if he offered Jimmy the starting QB job, Jimmy might like him better. Even offered to let his trainer Alex Guerrero stretch his hamstrings and practice saying “Hike” and throwing spirals if he wanted.
But Jimmy would have none of it and forced Bill Belichick to trade him, even going so far as to threaten him at gunpoint. Being a weak man, Bill had to do it. Now the Pats are crumbling from within and many are saying the dynasty is over. Some are even saying that its such a mess in New England, the Jets may have to replace them in the Super Bowl. Regardless, if you’re having a Super Bowl party please invite me. I’ll probably have plans but it’s nice to be invited ya know.
That’s all the news that’s fit to blog. Come back whenever you fucking feel like it I don’t really care.