Work.Retire.Die.

Working from home is the goddam future. It’s amazing. If I could do it every day I would. You get to be comfortable, shed your corporate lizard skin and can finally be yourself. AND you still get paid for it. Win win. Money rules. I will say, as a ~people person~, if I did it every day, I’d probably miss shooting the shit with ol’ Chuck and Larry by the water cooler. But it’s cool, I got friends outside of work who totally respect me.

There really is nothing better than work from home, or as we call it in the biz, WFH. Most of our stupid corporate jobs could be done from the comfort of our luxurious rented apartments, in our pajamas while eating a homemade breakfast. WFH is actually the only time I eat breakfast now that I think about it. That’s not great. But still, pretty much everything about it rules. Even better, WFH is a great way to swing a nice weekend trip without wasting vacation days. You can drive out Thursday night and “work from home” at the beach/ski mountain/golf resort/your friends house Friday during the day, and you won’t waste any of your precious 2 weeks + 3 floating holidays. Save those for when you quit and you get them all that shit paid back. DOUBLE PAYCHECK.

However, working from home can be a slippery slope. There’s pitfalls everywhere and you need constant vigilance. That’s why I’m here. What would you fucking people do without me? I don’t know and it keeps me up at night. Please read this blog so I can have some peace of mind and maybe get some rest. I’m turning into that ginger chick in Nocturnal Animals. If you don’t get that reference, close this blog, open HBO and absorb some culture, you Neanderthalian prick.

Step 1: Get a good workspace

Let’s get this out of the way. When you work from home, it’s important to actually, ya know, work. If you abuse your privilege, you lose trust with your boss and/or completely fail in your career. No biggie.

Now it’s important to figure out the best spot to work in your apartment. For me, hands down the worst part about WFH is you don’t have a monitor. How’s a playa supposed to run some Excel pivot tables on my tiny ass laptop screen? Damn. Got me fucked up. But as we all know, this is a no excuses blog, so we work with what we got. Have you got a desk and chair in it’s own separate room? Congrats rich boy, you’re walking on air. How about a nice little table where you eat your meals, that’s close to an outlet for your charger and has adequate lighting? Slow down you’re getting me excited. Me personally, I like to alternate between the couch in front of the tv and my bed.

• Bed
  • Nothing better than taking a stressful work call from the comfort of your bed. Ryan is on the line, blabbing on about how we realllly need to hit our Q1 numbers and why hasn’t this program launched yet, while you’re lying in bed with your hand down your pants and scrolling through Instagram on your iPad. The dream. However, it’s very easy to fall asleep, so please be alert handsome.
• In front of the TV
  • Having a nice, light tv show on in the background that you’ve seen 100+ times is relaxing and gives you something nice to watch for 10-15 minute breaks. It’s kind of like being in a coffee shop and the chatter and hubbub actually helps you focus. The brain is weird like that. Here are my top 5 background shows. Disagreements will not be heard, dilly dilly (think I used that one right).
    • The Office
    • Friends
    • Sportscenter
    • Seinfeld
    • Cops

A note of warning- do NOT watch some enthralling ass shit or you could lose your whole day. My old roommate watched the entirety of Shameless (greatest show ever) during the course of 1 week working from home. He became so involved in the show that when he got blacked out drunk, he started referring to us by the names of the characters. Truly bizarre behavior from an otherwise semi-upstanding young man.

Step 2: Keep up Appearances

It’s very important to at least give off the appearance that you are taking this seriously. It’s the game we all must play or everyone suffers. Don’t ruin WFH for everyone by doing these things.

• Taking Calls
  • Don’t be taking calls while you’re driving. The cars honking is distracting and I know you’re not taking notes or anything, so nothing will come of this.
  • Don’t let me hear your kids in the background or your dog barking. It makes me think of you as a real person and that makes it hard to hate you.
  • Don’t tell us what you’re actually doing at home. Anytime I hear some “oh I’m just sitting on my porch enjoying this beautiful day,” it makes me not take you seriously. And I don’t give a fuck about my job. Imagine how actually important people think.
• Actual Work
  • This one we call the “move the mouse.” This means you’re not actually doing any work, but you keep your chat open (Skype, Lync, Slack, whatever) so your boss knows you’re not outside smoking some weed like a maniac. Why would you smoke weed outside anyways. You got problems man. Anyways, it’s important to move your mouse every 2-3 minutes so your computer doesn’t go to sleep and you go to inactive. Boom. Employee of the year.

Step 3: Leave the house

The home is great, but you’re going to lose your goddam mind if you don’t step out at some point. One weird part about WFH is that it’s hard to figure out when to eat lunch. Well it’s weird no more. Lunch is the perfect time to leave your home and get yourself a nice sandwich from the deli around the corner. Maybe sit there and eat it. Maybe meet a cute girl and fall in love and make me the godfather of your child. Nothing big. Point is, get out of the house and you’ll come back refreshed and ready to attack the afternoon.

Step 4: Do some random bullshit

Working from home is the perfect time to take care of all that little shit you don’t have time for when you’re in the office. I get it, it’s weird calling the doctor for the results of an STD test from your desk. No one wants to have to call the bank and ask why their card keeps getting declined within earshot of their coworkers. Now you can do all that and more from the comfort of your own home.

Here are some other things you can do during your day to make your life a little easier and better and cooler.

• Have the cable guy come
  • If he gives you a window of 9 am – 4 pm, no sweat. You’ll be here the whole time playa.
• Get packages delivered
  • And not stolen.
• Clean up
  • Clean your fucking room dude. No girl is going to be impressed that you haven’t washed your sheets in a month and there’s crusty tissues all around your bed
• Simple workouts
  • Pushups, sit-ups, bicep curls, some weird yoga shit. Get fit while you get paid dawg.
• Stay in touch with friends
  • What’s better than G-chatting your friends while you’re at work? FaceTiming your friends while you’re both working from home!

Step 5: Close the deal

I know I’ve said “the worst part about working from home” like multiple times this post. Sorry I can’t spend more than 2 hours on these things as I am flying up the corporate ladder and partying with Mike Posner in Ibiza (PS Avicii did not think he was cool for taking that pill. He thought he was kind of pathetic tbh). But the actual worst part about working from home is that you never know when to stop. It sounds crazy, but when you work from home, your work becomes your home. Pretty cool wordplay huh. BUT, in order to keep your sanity, you need to decide a time to stop working and stick to it. I like to make plans at like 6:30 so I have no choice but to leave. Before you do sign off, make sure you send one last email pretty late. Your boss will see it and be like holy SHIT my employee is a goddam workhouse! Let’s promote the kid.

That should be enough for you, my desperate fans. Work from home, home from work. That’s what I always say. Follow the Instagram @Workretiredie if you want my respect and friendship. Tell your friends and tell your coworkers because we are taking this blog to the top of the Internet.