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Week Old News 1/31

Well reader, you’ve done it again. Fallen asleep at the wheel while the news world has passed you by. Luckily for you, you are a loyal WRDie with access to a talented blogger willing to do anything for his readers. One could even say you are a (WorkRetire) Die Hard reader. As always, these are THE hottest news stories at LEAST 1 week after they’ve happened.

New Sex Robot Solana Debuted at CES Show and She Won’t Stop Texting Me

Fellas- if there’s one thing I know about women, it’s that they want what they can’t have. Apparently this applies to sex robots as well. As a titan of the tech industry, I was at the CES show in Las Vegas a few weeks back. Honestly, I didn’t want to go but Tim Cook basically begged me to make an appearance, plus Jon Gruden was pressuring me to come check out his new house so I said why the heck not. First thing I see when I walk in is this smoking hot sex robot named Solana, just chilling at her booth, obviously waiting for me to come talk to her. I took my time, making small talk with some other kings of commerce at the show (cough Elon Musk cough), really making her sweat. Finally, I sauntered over and offered to buy her a drink, which she declined because she is a robot (still a little rude). It didn’t matter. I could tell that Solana wasn’t interested in a drink but something a bit more unsavory.

I’m a gentleman so I won’t tell you what went down, but let’s just say I gave the machinery a bitttt of a test ride and everything seemed to be working justtt fine. I walked away and thought that was that. We had our 3-5 minutes of passion, but it was time to go our separate ways. I live across the country, our signs aren’t compatible, and she’s a robot. How could it work? But somehow, she got my number (probably from Tim Cook who will do anything to look cool in front of girls) and now she won’t leave me alone. The texts, the snapchats, the FaceTimes. You’d think a sex robot would be able to separate physical desire and romantic love. But I guess I have that effect on women, whether it’s a human, robot or even animal/reptile (not to brag but many female dogs and lizards love to smell me.) Oh well. My cross to bear.

She’s got a nice face but has NO body

I Had a Birthday In May and Remember Every Individual Who Did Not Text Me or Write on My Wall

Like I always say, you really find out who your friends are on your birthday. Not to be needy, but I did not get enough attention this past birthday. I had SEVERAL close friends from out of town do the absolute bare minimum- a text reading “happy birthday” + “I hope you get as fucked up as *insert drunk memory we have together.*  Barely a quarter of my former flames reached out and bothered to flirt with me for more than 3 text messages. Family first? I probably only had like 3-4 aunts/uncles call me and leave voicemails. I wouldn’t know since 1) there’s no way I’m picking that call up and 2) there’s even less chance I’m listening to that voicemail. You want to know the worst part? Less than 45 people who I consider acquaintances from high school, college, summer camp, previous jobs, and my semester abroad write on my wall wishing me “Happy Birthday!” How is a guy supposed to feel special without validation from at least 500+ people he’s met throughout the course of his entire life? It’s a travesty and a man like me does not forget. Those who have wronged me will suffer and you have my word.

Making a list of those who did not wish me Happy Birthday or were too generic in their contact

Pissed Off Sun Gods and/or Aliens Flaunt Pathetic Solar Eclipse That Didn’t Even Kill Anyone

There’s a popular expression “I fear no man, only God.” At least I think that’s a saying, but when I Googled it nothing really came up. But you get the general gist of it. People are scared of the all mighty beings up in the sky. Call them Sun-gods, call them alien space ships, I don’t care. Point is, they run the sun and boy are they mad about global warming. Turns out, there’s something called an ozone layer which gets destroyed by bug spray and cow farts. Without the ozone, Earth’s trash air can goes all the way up through space and hits the sun. Which is bad, I’m pretty sure. In my opinion, if that’s all it takes to fuck up our environment, maybe these gods should invest in a stronger ozone layer or better greenhouse gases and renewable energy solutions. But what do I know. I just run a blog with almost a hundred followers.

Well, the sun gods (and/or aliens) thought they could scare us with a big bad solar eclipse. Maybe teach us a lesson. I say screw you, big fella. You know what’s not intimidating? A astrological phenomenon that maybe hurts you if you stare at it for more than 2 minutes. You’re going to have to try a lot harder if you want to scare me, Mr. Alien. I’ll keep on global warming as much as I goddam like to. It’s a free country and I own this property. Humans: 1 Celestial Beings: -100000.

You don’t scare me Sun God. Go home

The Flu Has Come to Kill (Or Save?) Us All

May not surprise most, but I am team no flu shot. I’m too lazy to take time out of my day to get one, I hate needles and I think the human body does not need medicine. No comment on the autism thing. Well apparently this winter we have the flu to end all flus. It’s killing people left and right. You probably didn’t click that link (I see the stats) so I’ll just tell you: 30+ people have died from this shit. That’s honestly pretty sad. You gotta admire the flu though. Constantly evolving to kick some vaccine ass. Mother nature at its finest. Still, this is admittedly some scary shit.

Well, scary to everyone but me. I don’t fear death because I know that we live in the Matrix and our reality is a purgatory of sorts. Death is the welcome escape from this world, one that is trapped in a no-man’s land between heaven and hell. It’s the final stage in this video game called life. Orrrr maybe reincarnation is real and if you die you get to come back as like the Prince of Egypt or a lion in Africa. I don’t know, I just think it’d be kinda cool to see what would happen when you die. And that’s why I say bring it on Mr. Flu. I’m not meant for this world.

This is what the world really looks like if you open your goddam eyes

Well that got a little dark but chin up readers. You have a Content King giving you free blog posts that take minutes to hours of his day each week. That’s selfless and should be commended. Not saying you should Venmo me but I wouldn’t decline it.

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