Getting Through the Week: When It’s Cold As Shit

Many people look at me and see a physical specimen. A man without flaws. A human body sculpted of marble and shaped in the hot kiln of hard living and no regrets. And yes, it is true that I have few physical weaknesses and little can effect me. But even I am no match for the harsh winds of winter.

Winter sucks some serious ass. There’s no way around it. It goes all the way back to indoor recess. The holy hour of the day was spent in a gymnasium playing Connect 4 and slamming your head against the padded walls under the basketball hoop. Sure that was fun, but didn’t hold a candle to 4 square or kickball. And it only gets worse from there. It’s dark from the time you get to work until you leave. Snow is cool but turns to brown slush and ruins your shoes.  Your car is freezing cold and doesn’t heat up for the entire commute to the office. You have to wear a scarf and mittens like a chick. Brutal.  And don’t even get me started on seasonal depression. I have to write in my journal like 5x a day just to keep the demons at bay.

But here at WRD we don’t let little shit like the climate get us down do we? That’s what I thought. Here’s how you’re going to get through it with a smile on your face and passion in your soul. You’ll come out on the other side as your best self, primed to attack the glorious springtime. Complaints will not be heard. You want that shit go read Buzzfeed or the Guardian or some shit. Not on my WordPress.

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NO ONE could step to me at this Chinese Checkers shit during indoor recess

Pro-Tip 1: Stay Moist

Everybody in world says “moist” is the worst word ever. I disagree. I think it’s a normal word and people should stop being weird about stuff like that. Moist moist moist. There I said it. Let’s move on.

There are a 2 ways you can stay moist this winter.

  • Literally:
    • In the winter, everything on your body is going to get dry as fuck. I think it’s from the cold and the wind but I also don’t know. But you gotta remember to use that lotion and that chapstick or you’re going to be looking like a train wreck. And dear god please use some Head & Shoulders for your dry scalp. Can’t have them dusty ass shoulders up in here.
  • Figuratively:
    • I am petitioning all the dictionaries to have moist now mean cool and/or fly. They have yet to get back to me but these things take time. But the point is, even in the winter, you gotta stay fresh and can’t let up.
      • Style Over Shivers
        • Winter style is kinda dope. Get yourself some cool boots, a nice jacket (I’m a peacoat man myself), a couple sweaters, flannels and a sexy snow-hat. Boom. We got ourselves a regular old Don John. Don’t wear those weird shoe condoms though. Unless you’ve given up completely (I can’t necessarily blame you).
      • Sweat Through the Cold
        • Most will use winter as an excuse to get fat. No way no how not on this blog. Drag your ass to the gym. Wear some sweatpants like a grown up. You’ll have a head start on beach season and will open some eyes when you let that chiseled body emerge Memorial Day Weekend.
        • There are some out there who like to ski and think this is exercise. It’s not. Skiing is dumb and I’m bad at it and it’s always way too cold. No one’s impressed you can slide down some frozen water vapor on 2 metal sticks. Give it up.
Olympics: Alpine Skiing-Men's Training
Oh I’m sooo impressed “Bode Miller.” How’s that bronze taste loser?

Pro Tip 2: Turn Up When the Temperature Goes Down 

I don’t think I took that from a Bud Light Ad but there’s no way to be totally sure. Going out is kind of a pain in the ass but what are you going to do? Not party? Please. Getting some good old rage in will warm you right up. Don’t be a little bitch and stay in because it’s too cold. Couple of things to consider here.

  • Beer Blankets
    • Pretty obvious here but needs to be addressed. The drunker you are, the less cold you will feel. That’s anatomy 101. But be careful in the winter not to get too drunk. It’s easy to slip on some ice and crack your skull or pass out in the snow and get frost bite and die. Not to be dark just fyi.
  • Budget for Ubers
    • Uber has been around for like 4 years and I literally have no idea what I did before it existed. Especially when I didn’t live in a big city. Did I like call a cab company and make a reservation for them to get me at a specific time? Makes me quiver thinking about it. But anyways, you’re going to be ubering a lot so work that into your budget and you won’t have to scrape by during the week.
  • You Will Lose Your Coat
    • And that’s ok. This one I learned from a dear friend. At the start of the winter, go to like H&M and get a few shitty coats for like $20 each. These are your bar coats. Yes you will try to be smart and check your coat but you’re going to forget it or it’ll get stolen. Have you ever left a credit card at the bar? Same concept. Don’t wear your nice coat out. Be smart man.
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Or be sick like my boy Ben and get an actual Beer Blanket lmao

Pro Tip 3: Blame It On the Cold

The best part about the winter is that you have the perfect excuse for avoiding plans. Is this the opposite of the pro tip I literally just gave? Yeah it is. How do you not understand that I am making this up as I go? I have a full time job and friends and family taking up my time. It’s not all going to be perfect jackass.

But yeah anyways, you have the perfect excuse for any situation. Need a night off and don’t want to look like a bitch? Blame it on the cold and stay in to watch Floribama Shore. Feeling hungover at work and your boss asks you why you haven’t spoken all day? Blame it on “this depressing weather man” and shake your head sadly. He’ll nod along in return. Did it snow less than an inch but you could use a WFH day? Take a snow day and blame it on unsafe weather conditions. Your boss literally can’t get mad at you. Them’s the rules of winter.

Pro Tip 4: Be Wary of the Opposite Sex

Now this one is very important so listen up. This one goes out to all my single readers. And not just the boys. This blog has almost dozens of female readers and this applies to you too. BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER. There are traps with the opposite sex set everywhere around you.

Finding a Mate:

  • Everyone looks good bundled up plus snow bunny is like the hottest look ever. I’m not a girl, but I imagine the male equivalent of snow bunnies (snow rabbit?) is pretty hot too. But be careful and make sure those layers aren’t covering up any physical imperfections. We won’t have that on this blog. At WRD, we will only consider taking lovers who have perfect bodies. Even then, they have to have a great personality and make double your salary. Know your worth.

Avoiding a Mate:

  • It’s cuffing season folks. The temperature drops and the dating game changes. No one wants to go out and try anymore. People are looking for someone who they can snuggle, watch Netflix, get fat and have a monogamous committed relationship with. No offense but gag me. There’s plenty of time for that when you’re in your late 30s/early 40s. Now is the time for youthful freedom. Be free my readers BE FREE!!!
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Me freeing you from the chains of monogamy

Pro Tip 5: Plan for the Summer

I’ve been trying to make this post as positive as possible but honestly, the winter is just trash in general. We find ourselves backed into a corner with enemies flanking us on all sides, knocking at our door. We need that light at the end of the tunnel, the hope that lets us push on. That light my friends, is the summertime.

The only way you’re going to make it through this winter is by making some plans for summer. Plan a cool vacation. Book a flight to visit a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Lock in a summer house with your friends at the beach. Sign up for some stupid class that you’re into and can’t get a refund and will dread when it actually arrives. Propose to your new girlfriend who trapped you during cuffing season because you didn’t listen to me. Start planning your wedding. All positive experiences to look forward to and make the bleak winter days pass by that much quicker.

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“Oh fuck we only got married because we were bored during the winter”- WRDies who don’t heed my advice

 

That’s all I got my WRDies. Good luck this winter and visit this page 3x a daily. I need the traffic to increase the value of my domain. Trying to make a clean $900 ASAP.

One thought on “Getting Through the Week: When It’s Cold As Shit

  1. Nice read. It reminds me of my time with the aborigine people in the great white north (Washington heights). I love your work and would like to kiss you in person

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