Week Old News: 1/10
Well reader, you’ve done it again. Fallen asleep at the wheel while the news world has passed you by. Luckily for you, you are a loyal WRDie with access to a talented blogger willing to do anything for his readers. As always, these are THE hottest news stories at LEAST 1 week after they’ve happened.
Cardi-B Breaks My Heart and Goes Back to A Son of a Bitch Who Doesn’t Deserve Her
My success with the opposite sex is well documented. Women practically throw themselves at me from sun up to sun down. It’s flattering but a little annoying. But for Casanova’s like me, there’s always that one woman who you can’t get out of your head, no matter how many Instagram models you have responding to your DMs with heart eye emojiis. For me, that is Cardi B aka my ~femme fatale~
Though Cardi and I have been friends for years, I’ve always wanted something more. But she loved the bad boys and soon settled with Offset, a rapper far less famous than I. After their engagement, I fell into a pit of despair, drowning my sorrows in Jameson and Maxim cover girls. I didn’t blog for days. But soon, I heard that Offset had been unfaithful and caught in the act. The coward. Cardi B came running to me, needing a shoulder to cry on, and I was there for her. I listened to her pour her heart out as we ate ice cream and watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. I thought it would be enough. But alas, she returned to Offset and my tears wet my keyboard as I type. Au Revoir Cardi. I will never love again.
Illinois Pets Can Now Have 2 Christmases and We Are Evolving Backwards
When will 2018 end? In shocking news that would have Chuck Darwin turn over in his grave, Illinois has passed a state law that treats pets the same as children in a divorce, allowing judges to give partial or joint custody. I’m sorry what? Come again? Since when were animals not strictly for us to eat, get wool from or ride while playing polo? Now we are treating them like living things with thoughts, emotions and the right to a safe home? Puhleeeease. I did not personally fight tooth and nail to the top of the food chain to share my dog with my ex-wife (who is a total model btw). If we want to share the dog, we can cut him in half and we each get a piece. Only fair. The point is, humans and animals are not the same. Case closed.
*Disclaimer: This does not count for pet wolves and stuff like cheetahs that rich Arab princes have. Those are dope.
Leonardo DaVinci Painting Sold to Show Off Trying to Make Me Look Bad
Recently, an undisclosed buyer purchased a painting by proven heretic Leonardo Da Vinci (loosely translated to Leonard The Vinci) for $450 million. Over compensating much? I dareeee you to peacock a little more, tough guy. Needless to say, I’m unimpressed. Nothing screams pathetic like spending millions of dollars on some doodles by a dead guy. To be clear, $450 million is nothing to me. I’ve put more in the leave a penny take a penny at my local 7-11. But I know the value of a dollar. I don’t see the point in art and frankly won’t spend a cent on it. Get out of here with your “suggested donation”, Mr. Metropolitan Museum of Art. Not getting a dime out of me or any of my kin. And that’s a promise.
Derek Jeter trades Giancarlo Stanton, Clearing Cap Space to Maybe Sign A-Rod
In a desperate attempt to win over Jennifer Lopez, Derek Jeter has pulled off the ultimate trade of the century. Everyone around the league knew that ol Jeets was ready to get rid of Giancarlo, a pathetic excuse for a man with a massive…contract. It was quite obvious that he needed the cap space to sign his old nemesis A-Rod. Why? To bring his friend to sunny Miami and let him recapture his glory on the diamond and party with Pitbull? No, my friends, this is much more sinister. See Derek wanted to bring A-Rod to Miami so he could get seduce A-Rod’s famous girlfriend, the lovely Jennifer Lopez. Bet if you didn’t read the opening line you didn’t see that one coming.
But here’s where it gets tricky. Who would be willing to take on someone as incompetent as Stanton and allow him to continue to hit the most single season home runs in this century? I’ll tell you who- Jeter’s former employer, the New York Baseball Yankees. Unscrupulous. I can only hope that commissioner Roger Goodell will address this obvious conspiracy in the next owner’s meeting. (PS Roger if you are reading this, I have not gotten my invite to the meeting yet so please send again. It may have been sent to my spam folder.)
New Star Wars Movie Released and The Book Was Better
Over-rated filmmaker George Lucas is on a mission to destroy American culture as we know it. Do you think the Founding Father’s spent their time watching movies and “Netflix and chilling” from their couch? No. They were reading LITERATURE and writing up some rules for all of us to follow. That’s why they’re on all the money. Books are important people and movies are for the aliens to numb our minds. Wake up.
Mr. Lucas took the greatest book ever written, The Novelization of the Last Jedi Movie and turned it into a steaming pile of crap for the public to consume like mindless sheep. Wary of the thriving and growing book industry, he took it upon himself to make beautiful words into pretty little pictures. I won’t have it. If words die who will read my blog? Probably millions but still.
That’s all the news that’s fit to blog folks. Come back next week for some news that happened in 2017 (the past).