Work.Retire.Die.

While many of you were spending the holidays lolligagging and pussyfooting around, here at WRD we have kept our ear to the ground, listening like a hawk for news stories to share with our loyal fanbase. Again, as always, these are THE hottest news stories at LEAST 1 week after they’ve happened.

Knicks Kyle O’Quinn Thinks He’s Cool Because He Got Invited to Every Bar Mitzvah in His Grade

Noted bragger Kyle O’Quinn of the New York Basketball Knicks has recently claimed himself as the “Bar Mitzvah Man” in a stunning expose by sports media upstart ESPN. Cute Kyle, reallll cute. Guy goes to a dozen lift the chair parties and thinks he is the king of the industry. Kyle, if you want the title, you’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands.

In middle school, I went to 20+ bar/bat mitzvah’s (note how, unlike the misogynist Kyle, I include the female version) and rocked every single one of them. I grinded to “Ms. New Booty” and “Get Low” at least twice and almost made out with a girl once but her mom was calling her so she had to go. Do you hear me bragging about it? No. Act like you’ve been there before big fella. And please, do not drag Joakim Noah into this pissing contest. Don’t want to have to embarrass a man with a family.

Tax Reform: Good for everyone, especially someone like me who understands taxes and the economy. 

Now I don’t watch a lot of news, but I’ve heard that this new tax bill is universally loved and accepted across the political landscape. I decided it give it a read myself and I gotta say, I completely agree. If I understand it correctly (which I do), as Americans we are now giving the government a portion of our income. That money we give them gets used on cool stuff like trains and I think foster care. This money is called a “tax,” which is a new component to the bill this year.

And what do we do with that tax? Well frankly that’s up to you. Most people will go and buy little pieces of a company. Every time that company sells something, you get $100. That’s called a stock. I put almost all of mine into the NFL. Once my 2017 winnings come in through the mail, I will be able purchase the franchise of my choice (most likely the Jets).

Now maybe you are not a tycoon like myself which is embarrassing but ultimately fine. You are welcome to use your taxes on something like a bike or maybe roller blades. It doesn’t have to be transportation related, but it helps. Maybe get yourself some shirts and pants if you got a little extra tax money lying around. Can’t hurt.

Bad Mom Alert: Pregnant Kendall Jenner Seen Using Pepsi Can to Stop Violent Protest 

As a lover of children (not in the Roy Moore way), this one breaks my heart. It’s cruel enough to bring a baby into this broken world, but saddling them with a terrible mother should be outlawed. Which brings me to Kendall Jenner aka Rosa Parks. Kendall, we get it. You are a true social activist, the Martin Luther King Jr of our time. Do we thank you for preventing a potential riot by sharing a soft drink with a police officer? Of course. It was courageous and we expect nothing less.

HOWEVER,, as a MOTHER TO BE, should you really be putting yourself in harm’s way like this? And being seen with caffeine, a noted baby killer? Not to mention the association with Big Soda, the robber barons of the beverage industry. You should be ashamed Kendall. I only hope you clean up your act before it’s too late.

Update- Kendall (no doubt having read my blog and been forced to respond) has now denied her pregnancy. Please. I’m not a doctor, but I did get a B+ in Bio. I think I’d know when someone is with child. There’s the door.

Close Personal Friend Justin Bieber Takes Selena Gomez Off My Hands for the Weekend Because I Was Busy

It should come as a surprise to no one that I spend my time with important people who you almost definitely have heard of. Politicians, famous athletes, the dad from That’s So Raven. The list goes on and on. In my travels, I sometimes end up accidentally wooing women who I’m just flat out not interested in. Enter Selena Gomez.

It started off as a fun, casual fling but soon she just couldn’t keep her hands to herself. You know how Selena can get. She kept wanting to look good for me and show me how proud she was to be mine. But frankly, I was just getting sick of that same old love. My body had had ENOUGH. That ain’t me.

Luckily, I knew just who to call: my old friend Justin Bieber, who I am basically a father figure to. He was kind enough to entertain her here and there and be seen with her out on the town. The media will speculate that it’s romantic but I know my friend Justin would never do me dirty like that. Even so, I wouldn’t care. Got bigger fish to fry.

No Coincidence- Wildfires Continue to Rage in California Following Legalization of Gateway Drug Known as “Marijuana”

When I was growing up, we didn’t need drugs to have fun. All we needed was a tall glass of Ovaltine, a bag of marbles, and half a gallon of paint thinner (don’t ask). But the coastal elite out in California just haddd to have their precious reefer didn’t they? Newflash- if God wanted us to smoke marijuana he wouldn’t have made it illegal to buy it.

Well, hate to break it to ya hippies, but when you mess with fire, you get flames. Maybe if you put DOWN your lighters and picked UP your Bibles, we wouldn’t be in this mess. No wonder the place is falling into the ocean more and more each year. Think of the children.

That’s all the news that’s fit to blog. Tune in next week if you want to stay on top of the fast paced news industry.