Work.Retire.Die.

Yes you read that correctly. God is a Jags fan. How do I know that? I won’t say that I talked to him directly. That’d be blasphemy. But I will say that I have a little birdie on the inside with top secret information. And he told me, in no uncertain terms, that the big man upstairs LOVES the Jags.

Here at WRD, we aim to deliver fair, unbiased journalistic takes whenever possible. But, in certain situations, we have ulterior motives and it’s only fair to share those with our readers. This is one of those times. It is with great pleasure to inform you that Work Retire Die is now the OFFICIAL blog of America’s team, the Jacksonville Jaguars (pending league approval.)

We are excited to see this partnership continue to blossom and grow as the years go on. It’s no secret that the Jaguars are a phenomenal sports franchise, with a roster littered with stars. Blake Bortles is an MVP candidate and has probably slept with your girlfriend. Leonard Fournette is bald and looks like he’s 40 but is still pretty spry. The list goes on and on.

However, WRD always looks for how our partners can improve. That’s why we come aboard. We noticed that in America, there is a distinct lack of awareness for Jaguars as a whole. Frankly, it makes us sick. We took it upon ourselves to right this egregious wrong and have landed on a solution. A list of the top 10 most famous Jaguars, shared to our loyal fanbase of tens to hundreds of readers. Consider yourselves the pioneers for the new Jaguars movement which will soon sweep the nation.

THE TOP TEN JAGUARS

#10: Baby Jaguar from Go Diego Go

For those who with an active high school social life or no younger siblings/cousins, it’s probably unlikely you know about this show. I’ll update you. Diego is Dora the Explorer’s cousin. He was in a few episodes with Dora, got a little taste of fame and demanded his own spin-off show. Tore the family apart in the process. Turns out Diego can’t act for shit and couldn’t put down the booger sugar. Go figure. So who did Nick Jr. turn to to carry the show? His pet sidekick, Baby Jaguar that’s who. One of the bright young talents of the early 2000s who, for one reason or another, never panned out. Damn shame.

#9: The One I Saw at the Zoo in 2014

I saw a jaguar at the zoo once and it definitely looked depressed. Which I get. This animal is meant to be out in the jungle, hunting, mating and roaring at birds. Understandable. To be honest, I’d prefer my animals a little bummed out that they’re in a zoo. Not to point fingers, but some of the other animals seemed a little toooo happy in captivity (cough penguins cough.) But I will never forget his sad, haunting eyes and his distant, detached look. You could just tell that deep within him, this jaguar knew there was so much more out there. He was just powerless to go take it. And really, who hasn’t felt like that before.

FYI, I’d take all this with a grain of salt because I was really high during this zoo visit. Sick, I know, but I blame my older friends Ryan and Charles who organized the trip. They made me smoke and said they’d kill me if I told anyone.  So my hands were tied.

#8: The Jaguar From the opening scene in Zootopia

*Skip ahead to 1:13. No idea how to do the thing where the link jumps to a specific time because I’m bad with technology. Good thing I’m writing a blog on the Internet right! HAHA pass the ointment just gave myself a self burn.

I went back and forth on this one. Do I think it’s cool that a jaguar wants to be an actuary? Not really. Kind of pathetic to be honest. But do I think it’s brave that he’s willing to admit that, no matter how embarrassing it may be? I guess. I just don’t really care. This is why it’s #8.

#7: “Mr. Jaguar” by K.A. Merikan

Confession time I have not read the actual book. Got a lot going on. But I read the description and lord is it riveting. For those too lazy to click a goddam link, a few callouts from the plot summary are below in italics:

“Mike Miller’s life has gone to shit. The formerly popular high school quarterback now works at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. ”

As a formerly popular high school quarterback who has gone to a gas station, this one hits me a little close to home.

“The last thing he needs is meeting the guy he used to bully at school and seeing him all sorts of polished up. James is now the proud owner of an amazing silver Jaguar and a self-made millionaire.”

Not a bullier myself but I can see this being a bit humbling for Mike. I knew a guy named James in high school so I guess I can relate. He was a nice kid but we never really got to know each other and I always regretted it.

“When James Austin meets Mike Miller, his high school crush and tormentor all in one, working at an old, dirty gas station, it feels as if the stars have finally aligned in his favor.”

Ok so now the gas station is old and dirty? James kind of seems like a prick. Maybe he deserved to be bullied? Also crush? Things just got interesting.

“He wants to finally get his revenge on the guy, but when Mike turns out to be gay, the whole afternoon takes a turn for the surreal.”

Ok wow Mike is gay too. Maybe this whole tormenting thing was some misinterpreted flirting? As a formerly popular high school quarterback who lots of people thought was gay, I can relate to this.

“If James wants his nerdy heart safe from the hunky jock, he needs to keep Mike at arms length. The task would be a lot easier if Mike wasn’t unashamedly hitting on James. Or is it just James’s money Mike is after?”

Ok this plot is actually the story of my life. But am I Mike or James? I’m getting confused. Let’s move on.

#6: My Grandma’s Old Car

My grandma used to drive a Jaguar and I gotta say, it’s one nice piece of machinery. When I first rode in it, I thought it was the nicest car on the face of the Earth and maybe my Grandma was like the Queen of England. Unfortunately, she wasn’t. She was just my grandma. And she sold it before I got to drive it because it’s not really a practical car to own. So I’m a little pissed about it but am man enough to admit that Jaguars are sick cars. I will probably buy one with my first million dollars.

#5: Bagheera From The Jungle Book

This mothafucka was wiiiiiise as hell. And like, above and beyond kind and generous. He finds an abandoned human baby in the jungle and decides to raise it all on his own. If you think I’m doing the same with a baby jaguar I find on the streets of New York, you’re out of your goddam mind. Plus he is a super great father figure to young Mogli. It’s probably not easy having to be the bad cop to Baloo, the fun loving bear. But he manages to strike the right balance between stern and playful. Most importantly, when push comes to shove and Shere Khan comes at Mogli, Bagheera fucks that tiger up. That’s what family is for. I honestly could not think of a better animal to raise a human child in the jungles of India.

*Update: Bagheera is a black leopard, not a jaguar. Still. He was pretty cool. And there’s fewer famous Jaguars out there than you’d think. Which is why we write this blog.

#5: The Band “Jaguar”

These guys were an English heavy metal band in the 80s who had, according to Wikipedia, a moderate level of success. So basically if you have heard of these guys, there’s no way we are friends.

Here is a quote from there lead singer describing their musical style:

“I suppose you could say we were thrash metal and speed metal before there was such a thing, (…) we were part of the second generation of the New Wave of British Heavy Metal I suppose, ourselves and Raven were playing music a bit faster than bands like Saxon and Tygers of Pang Tang. “

I did not understand a single word of that statement. No clue if these guys are good or not. Didn’t even bother looking up a song. I am seriously stretching to make this list 10 things. I should’ve done something on the Eagles instead.

#4: The 2015 Song “Jaguar” by the Muzical Doctorz

Ok this one I’m excited about. I implore you to listen to this song. I don’t speak this language (Hindi?) but I think it’s pretty clear they are singing:

“We Love WorkRetireDie.Wordpress.com so much

We want to kiss it on the lips.

Kiss it on the lips.

Kiss it on the lips mmmmmm.”

Loose translation but it’s probably pretty close. Regardless, it could not be catchier. Now I have a Hindi song stuck in my head and I don’t know the words to sing along to it. Thanks a lot Muzical Doctorz Sukhe feat. Bohemia! All in all, I get why it has 47 million+ views- I approve India!

#2: The Spirit Animal

Cards on the table, I am obsessed with Spirit Animals. There’s nothing I love more that firing up the old online quiz machine and figuring out my totem animal. In my opinion, when it comes to fake psychology, spirit animals >> astrology signs and it’s not even close.

The Jaguar is hands down the best spirit animal in the game. Couple interesting tidbits I’ve pulled from my extensive Google searching, which includes one (1) website.

The Jaguar is representative of power, ferocity, and valor; he is the embodiment of aggressiveness. For some, the jaguar represents the power to face one’s fears, or to confront one’s enemies. 

Don’t have fears but other than that sounds good.

The jaguar, specifically panther, is linked to the Roman god Bacchus (Greek Dionysus).  Bacchus was supposedly nursed by panthers…Bacchus is often thought of as the god of wine and mirth, but he is strongly linked to the unleashing of desires. 

If I’m reading this right, jaguars raised the Roman god of wine from birth and now I get to unleash all my desires? Sign me up.

Both Aztecs and mayans spoke and taught about the power of becoming half-jaguar and half-human, because a person who can do this can be rid of all of his cultural restrictions and inhibitions. 

A half jaguar half human rid of cultural restrictions and inhibitions sounds like an amazing person to party with. All in on jaguar spirit animals.

#1: The Beanie Baby

Anybody who knows anything knows that Beanie Babies are worth their weight in gold. Especially if you didn’t take the tag off. I didn’t look it up, but I think it is safe to assume this guy is worth several million dollars.

FIN

Well there you have it. The top 10 Jaguars alive. Please share with every single person you have every met. Only you can spread this important message of awareness.

PS- My prediction for Sunday’s game? Jaguars 24 Pats 14. Gasp. Yeah I said it. Deal with it.

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