As a member of the content aristocracy, I try to make it a habit of surveying my kingdom every few months, and observing the happenings among my subjects. Noting trends, analyzing competitors, Prima Noctaing as much as possible. King shit. One troubling trend I have noticed among my contemporaries has been my “competitors” sharing their “Predictions for 2018,” aka shameless click-bait aimed at the uninformed reader. I simply won’t stand for it. Why settle for predictions when you can get facts right from the horse’s mouth??
I don’t blame you, loyal readers, because how could you know that I have access to top secret information from the future? I’m not one to brag and I don’t want to compromise my sources. But I’ve finally decided that enough is enough. As chance would have it, I was recently paid a visit by my dear friend who is a time traveller. The following is a transcript of between myself and my friend M**e. His name has been changed to protect him from the government that is chasing him big time. We will not get into what he did in the future but oh boy is it bad.
**Please note that these are NOT predictions but actual facts as relayed to me by my friend *ike. If they do not come true, it is because one of your fuckups did some Butterfly Effect shit. Not my fault. Yours.**
Talk With a Time Traveller
*fumbling, heavy breathing over the mic, and the sound of licking fingers. It sounds like M*ke has been eating too many Moonpies, which after a resurgence on Twitter in late 2017, are now the snack of the future and are pretty much like hummus to these guys.
Mike M*ke: Dude what’s up. Sorry I’m breathing so heavy. I had too many of those Moonpies and I’m basically exhausted right now (*Editor’s Note: I did not know this when i wrote the stage directions just fyi). So long story short, I’m coming from 2030 and things are pretty fucked up over there. Is it cool if I crash here in 2017? I’ll let you know whats gone down in the last 10 years or so. Maybe you can get rich or something.
Me: Oh nice man you don’t have to do that. It’s really not a bother, I don’t mind the company-
Mike: No no really I insist. It’s the least I can do after I knocked up your daughter and ran away to San Juan for 2 years.
Me: Wait what?
Mike: Oh shit, what year is it?
Me: It’s 2017. I don’t even have a girlfriend.
Mike: Oh right, that’s actually going on in 2030. Sorry man, just Mike being Mike I guess.
Me (smiling wryly): You’re incorrigible man…can’t help but love you though.
Mike: Perfect. Ok so the future. First thing you have to know about 2018 is aliens are coming. In a big way. Like integrated human-alien school systems by fall 2019.
Me: Nice. Are the aliens scary?
Mike: Not really. Most are super hot which is nice. Except the one you’re dating. She nasty!
We both crack up because Mike is hilarious and I don’t always get with the hottest girls and I can admit that.
Mike: Oh also, time travel is real.
Me: Picked up on that.
Mike: And it turns out cell phones are like suppppper bad for you. Pretty much everyone has cancer from them. But since everyone has cancer, it’s like weird if you don’t have cancer? Does that make sense?
Me: Yeah mostly.
Mike: Right so you have cancer. Buttt…
Me and Mike together: it’s cool.
I beam as I am not usually cool despite my tough exterior.
Mike: Ok so what else?
Me: What about sports? Trying to make some money off bets.
Mike: So you won’t believe this but concussions aren’t real at all. It’s just for whiners. I nod along since I’ve always known this and have told Mike this repeatedly but am too polite to say anything. Oh and the Jets realized how good you were in high school and signed you to be their QB.
Me: Wiping away a slow tear spilling out of my eye. After all these years…
Mike: Yeah you lasted less than a quarter. I think you threw 9 interceptions.
Me (flustered and stumbling over my words): I mean…the line is just so bad. And the receivers! Trash! What’s a guy to do ya know?
Mike: Hey I agree. Doesn’t make it any less humiliating.
Me: What about politics? What happened with Trump?
Mike: Oh shit! Completely forgot you don’t know about this yet. Do you remember that pee tape that was supposed to be leaked during the elections? I nod vigorously. Well it got released and…it was…AWESOME. Like actually, everyone gained a lot of respect for the guy. He got re-elected, even when he went against the alien candidates in 2020.
Me: Oh wow. That’s pretty crazy. So he’s still president?
Mike: No dude… you are.
Me: flustered, but trying to keep my composure. Really? Little old me?
Mike: Smiling and looking at me as if seeing me for the first time. I forgot how humble you were when you were just the content king. Now, you’re the king of the entire Milky Way.
Me: bashful but forceful, as if trying my newfound power on for size. That’s King Milky Way to you. We both try to keep a straight face but soon burst out in laughter. Even with the weight of power on my shoulders, I am able to keep a level head and remain grounded with my true friends.
Me: So how did it happen?
Mike: Well Work Retire Die exploded into a global phenomenon overnight. By the end of June 2019, your site had become the only source of week-old news and getting through the week guides on the Internet. I nod solemnly as I had always known this would be my destiny. With Trump in charge, the political climate was stable. Humans and aliens existed in peace. However, the Long Peace soon gave way to the Long War when the Mole People rose from the shadows.
Me: The Mole Peop-?
Mike reaches over the table and clamps a hand on my mouth.
Mike: Do not say their names out loud! They may be tracking me, even in the past. These are dark times. He glances around the room and continues in a hushed whisper. They rose from the ashes of the underground, the sewers and abandoned tunnels of our once great cities. They almost overthrew the Palace, until you stepped in.
Me: Oh me? A hero? Can’t say I’m surprised.
Mike: Yes, we all owe our lives to you. They were knocking at the gates of our nation, ready to tear us to pieces. That is, until you read your content to them and quelled their rage. You were halfway through Getting Through the Week: Tuesday when the last of the moles were driven from the city, back into the underground.
Me: Damn, I didn’t even get to finish it? That’s one of my best ones.
Mike: Do not fret! We have canonized all your work into sacred scripture. The Book of Work, The Book of Retire, and the Book of Die, which is of course, still to be written.
Me: wistfully Never did get around to that one did I?
Mike: We pray you never do. You are the thread holding together this great galaxy. And plus, you totally get with the hottest girls and EVERYBODY loves you. Forget what I said earlier.
Me: Well that’s a relief. I was actually getting really worried and discouraged.
Mike: Pshhh don’t worry man. You got it all figured out. I’m the real big low life.
Me: I think we all could’ve seen that one coming.
Mike: Sorry I can’t help being like this. By the way, can I sleep on your couch? I’m pretty much a loser now.
Me: Of course dude.
Mike: And do you have like maybe 5 bucks I could borrow? Just for a cab to the airport.
Me: Yeah man. Is everything…ok?
Mike breaks down sobbing. I go to comfort him and hold him like a child.
Mike: No man…it’s not ok.
I hold him as he weeps in my arms like a pathetic lost sheep who has run from the herd.
Me: Stay here with me. The Mole People can’t hurt you here.
Mike is welcoming being comforted by his father figure (me), until he slowly starts to realize what has happened.
Mike: No! What did I say! They have the place bugged!
There’s an eerie sound of scuffling and sniveling, which grows louder and louder. It begins to surround me and Mike and starts to become almost suffocating. It is the Mole People. The soft chanting of “Mole. Pee.Pole. Mole. Pee. Pole.” begins, slowly increasing in volume and speed until it is truly thunderous. They have come for us.
A door is kicked down. They start to invade my luxurious tenement apartment in New York City’s Lower East Side. Just when it seems like all hope is lost, I rise and open my computer. The blue glow illuminates my face. Reflected onto my masculine features is the home page of WorkRetireDie.wordpress.com. I begin to read out loud. Heaven will have to wait.
FADE TO BLACK
Wow that was pretty crazy huh guys. Definitely went in a direction that I did not see coming. Can’t believe I’m giving this stuff away for free.