The Week Before Last, Today- 12/22/17
What’s New in This Pathetic World: December 22nd.
A lot of stories come across the WRD desk every day. In this fast paced news cycle, we know how important it is to deliver content to our readers in a timely manner. That’s why we have made it our mission to blog about THE hottest news stories at LEAST 1 week after they’ve happened.
Poor People Can No Longer Get Their Grubby Paws on My Internet. Thank You FCC!
You can tell by the way I dress and compose myself that I am quite obviously a rich man. Being rich is usually amazing except for when you get the same stuff as poor people. Kinda makes it not as cool. That’s why this whole Net Neutrality thing was harshing my buzz. What’s the point in bingeing The Office on Netflix if any Joe Schmo can do the same free of charge? Why binge One Tree Hill trivia when Jane Doe can access the same salacious facts without paying a cent? Thats why Ajit Pai, the chairman of FCC responsible for repealing this communist trash, is currently on the shortlist for my “New Best Friends of 2018” Facebook group. Finally, the gap between the haves and have-nots has expanded in the United States.
Failing New York Times Publishes UFO Story in Blatant Attempt to Distract from Growing Flat Earth Evidence.
The Internet has been abuzz following this New York Times article about the US Army funding UFO research. Yawn. I’ve known about this for years because I live with my eyes open. What’s really suspicious about this article is the timing. Why publish now, when aliens and UFOs have been living among us in plain sight for YEARS? Three words: Flat. Earth. IsReal.
Even for someone as tuned in as me, I was a bit skeptical when I heard about Flat Earth theories, initially from close personal friend Kyrie Irving. However, I was recently added to a Flat Earth Society facebook group and it all became quite clear. The Earth is flat. We are surrounded by an ice wall at the edge of our planet. And the government and the media will do anything in their power to stop the information from spreading. But why? Honestly I don’t know. But keeping come back to the most trusted site in old news and you may found out in 3-9 weeks.
No One Knows What a Catch Is Anymore Except For Me. And It’s My Friend Mike.
The NFL has been rocked by scandal this season. The conspiracy to keep the Jets out of the playoffs (proven), allegations of kneeling during the anthem (unproven), and the introduction of the forward pass (Vince Lombardi is turning over in his grave). But the biggest controversy has been what constitutes as a catch. The Jets lost a whopper of a game to the Patriots on this play. And what do you know a few weeks later, the Pats win again when this Steelers touchdown was overturned. I smell a rat.
The NFL may not know what a catch is, but I do. His name is Mike and he is a great guy. Strong jawline. Full head of hair. A romantic and a problem solver. Good with children and with his hands. A loving brother, son and friend. A job that does not pay as well as mine. He literally checks all the boxes. Female listeners- snatch him up while you still can. And the best part is, use promo code WRD this holiday season for 20% off your first date. Seriously though. His siblings are getting engaged and his parents are starting to get anxious.
Betrayal Alert! “Can You Hear Me Now” Guy aka Benedict Arnold is Working for Sprint.
So apparently this happened months/years ago but I have kind of been asleep at the wheel since June 2016. So you can only imagine my surprise when I’m enjoying “Trainwreck”at 1 am last night on TBS (they know funny) when I see this commercial. No offense but what the hell “Paul?” Verizon literally made your goddam career and now you run to Sprint with your tail between your legs because you realize you have no talent? Pathetic. First Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively break up, then LeBron leaves Cleveland to sign with the Lakers/Knicks/Rockets, and now THIS? Loyalty truly is dead in 2018.
Lock up Your Girlfriends San Francisco. Handsome Boy Jimmy Garappolo Traded to the 49ers
Now we all know sexuality is a spectrum. I generally fall somewhere between “as straight as you could possibly be” and “like really really straight why do you ask.” Point is, I like girls. But sometimes a fella comes along who makes me start to go all Will and Grace. Enter Jimmy Garappolo. The former back-up to the second hottest NFL player Tom Brady has been traded to the San Francisco 49ers, as recently as 5 weeks ago. Now it’s not in my nature to tell another man how to handle his lover. But if I lived in the Bay Area, I would handcuff myself to my girl and make sure she never encounters Jimmy G. Don’t want to give a guy like that the chance to sweep her off her feet like Cinderella. Plus as we all know, there’s nothing a woman likes more than being smothered.
Well that’s all the news that’s fit to print weeks after the fact. Enjoy your holidays and tell everyone you know to get on this content train.