GUEST COLUMN: Super Bowl Preview

EDITOR’s NOTE:

Everybody’s a fucking critic. Even ballers like me, who grind day in and day out to put out  top flight content, can get criticized by the “fans” who think they can do it better. I don’t let it get to me because I know it’s obviously not true. But sometimes I throw them a bone to make them happy and give them a chance to write. Show them it’s not as easy as I make it look.

This next writer goes by the name “Buffalo Bitch.” He wanted to go by something cooler but maybe he should start his own blog. He’s a whiny little bitchass Bills fan who can’t stand that they lost to the Jets by 45 points this year. He’s here to give us his take on the upcoming Super Bowl. I hope you enjoy.

Game-Time

By: Buffalo Bitch

This week we have the heavily anticipated Super Bowl. I say heavily anticipated because the only people who actually care about this game are from Philadelphia or New England (not even a city or state, WTF), or are just bandwagon Patriots, Yankees, Penguins, or “whatever team Lebron is on” fans (looking at you Conroy.) Everyone else watching this game is hoping for a repeat of Bane in the Dark Knight Rises:

 

What to say about the Eagles last game…it almost seemed as if the Vikings never saw them coming. Maybe the Eagles blinded the Vikings from above with a shitstorm of bird poop? Maybe just the sights and smells of Philly got to them? I have no idea, but both of those would be reason enough for me to quit. While I’m not saying that it would be easy to go into the Eagles nest and expect to emerge victorious, walking into a battle without a game plan is crazier than putting your life savings in crypto currency (I’m pretty sure that Crypto is a new island off Greece, so expect another bankruptcy and bailout soon). Because I can’t explain that loss, I’m going with my theory that the Vikings saw the city of Philly and wanted out ASAP-possible.

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Now onto the Patriots. Did you see how they slaughtered the Jaguars just last week?!? They toyed with the cats more than Jerry did to Tom, giving them the faintest bit of hope before their ultimate demise. And yes I mean the cat and the mouse, not the Penn state shower guy and Gisele’s trophy husband. Get your mind out of the gutter. Let’s just say they kept the cat on a string longer than any sexual intercourse I’ve ever had. Now some of you who know me are probably saying “Wait, you’re still a virgin, of course it was longer” …yeah well the other 13 readers of this blog don’t know that, so shut your face.

On to this week’s battle –

The Patriots will come in with a game plan and will adjust accordingly. If the Birds are expecting anything similar to last week, they may as well be placed on a spit over the fire now. Don’t get me wrong, the Eagles are a good team, but I don’t think they can withstand the barrage of (super-duper accurate) musket fire from Mel Gibson and the patriots. Let’s put it this way:

  • If this game was based on looks the game would already be over: give me Gisele’s husband over the human version of Big Bird any day.
  • If the coaches were to fight, the game is over before it even started: I’m taking the guy in a cut off hoodie over a man wearing a childish sweat suit any day.
  • If the game was based on fans – first let me say Fuck both fan bases – but the Eagles verbally attacked a sweet 99-year-old woman so, fuck them more
  • Lastly, if the game were a battle of the mascots, keep in mind the old adage “You don’t bring an eagle to a gun fight”
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Not a threat. Just a promise

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