Work.Retire.Die.

*Editor’s Note – this article comes from our beloved Intern Sam. More of his content can be found here.

Now that I’m an upperclassman, I feel the need to give unwarranted and unwanted advice to freshman and sophomores. No matter how little I’ve accomplished in my college career, I am far wiser than people a mere year or two younger than me. Given that 2022 is just a few days away, I thought I’d dish out some much needed content: New Year’s Goals. Here are my realistic goals for undergraduates in 2022. 

Maintain or Improve Your GPA

I’m writing this under the assumption that you completely shit the bed your first semester in college, or the entirety of your freshman year. The good news is, your GPA doesn’t actually matter that much. Sure, there are certain internships that will have a GPA cutoff of 3.5 or in rare cases a 3.7, but are those really jobs you want anyway? A key theme in all my blogs is doing the least work possible to get by. As long as your GPA starts with a 3, you’ll be fine. Nobody is going to ask about it after you graduate anyway. But those 3 C’s you got in Freshman prerequisite classes? Make up for that with a couple A’s in your major. 

Get Literally Any Job

Getting an internship after your Freshman year is for boners and overachievers, getting one after your Sophomore year is helpful but not entirely necessary, getting one after your Junior year is highly advisable. That being said, you have to do something. Like, literally anything. Just get a job. Having something to put on a resume is always better than nothing, even if it was being a camp counselor, lifeguard, maintenance at your high school, who cares. The key to resumes is massively exaggerating what you did to sound like a good employee. In reality, you’ll show up hungover and half ass every little detail (which is perfectly fine, you’re 18). These are the last few summers you’ll be able to consistently do that, so take advantage of it.

Drink a Little Bit Less

I’m all for a good time, but our livers could always use a break. This isn’t a goal that is supposed to last the whole year either – that would be crazy. But for January, maybe February, and very unlikely, March, cut back just a little bit. This is all part of a long term strategy. As your Senior friends start to get jobs and stop caring at all about school, you’re going to want to hang out with them before they enter the scary real world and won’t be able to slug beers with you on a Tuesday. By giving yourself a break to start the year, you’ve set yourself up to have energy for the end of school and Summer. In the dead of winter you’re really just drinking for the sake of drinking, which is honestly kind of sad. At least in the Summer you can be on a beach, or by a pool, or really just outside in the sun. Save your degeneracy for when it’s worth it. 

Exercise

This goal is distinctly vague, and for good reason. I’m still young and relatively healthy, and it’d be great to keep it that way. You don’t need to exercise for 2 hours a day, 6 days a week to maintain the bare minimum of healthiness. Playing pickup basketball or football with your friends counts as cardio and is way more fun than running. Lifting weights can be fun too, and it wouldn’t kill you to do a sit up every once in a while. Plus, spring break is only about 10 weeks away and you don’t want to look like the human version of a twinkie on the beach. Even if you’re only in the gym for 15 minutes, it’s better than nothing. Break a sweat once a day you fat lazy fuck. Sorry, I didn’t mean that, but in my experience peer pressure works really well when it comes to exercise.

Don’t Take These, or Yourself, Too Seriously

I’ve always thought New Years goals were kind of a ridiculous concept, as if changing the date really makes anything different. It doesn’t, but it’s a convenient way to start on some things you should’ve started years ago. That being said, if you slip up and drink a 12 pack on a random weekday and miss your class because you’re helplessly hungover, who cares. College is somewhat built for fucking up and learning from your mistakes. Unless that becomes a habit, you’ll be fine. If after 4 years all you did was stay in every night and study, I’m certain you’ll regret it. 

That was a chummy end to that article. Like I said in the beginning, now that I’m an upperclassman I feel the need to get on my soapbox. Keep in mind that just because I state these as goals doesn’t mean I live them – not even close. I don’t really have the track record to be giving advice like this, but here you are reading it anyway. So who’s the real idiot? Cheers, and happy new year.