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Types of Coworkers During the First Week Back from the Holidays

Congrats to everyone reading this. You made it through the first, and unquestionably WORST, work week of the year.

For most of us working non-essential jobs, the last two weeks of any year are generally bullshit. Sure, you were “logged on,” but you were mainly gaining 11 pounds at your parent’s house, watch an unconscionable amount of television, and trying to figure out if you were hungover or had COVID.

Well, if we learned anything from the 2009 smash hit “He’s Just Not That Into You,” it’s that all good things must come to an end and sadly, this week of returning to work proved that. Everyone comes back from the holidays a little different, but most of you fall under these 6 types.  

The Types of Coworkers After the Holidays

1. Won’t Let Go of The Vacation They Just Came Back From

Less prevalent this year with the ‘cron, but every year there’s that one guy who somehow, in every conversation, finds a way to bring up the vacation they just took.

“Oh you’re drinking coffee? That’s so crazy because in Italy, where I just spent 2 glorious weeks with the wife and kids, they actually called that caffé.  Which funny enough sounds exactly like café, as in a coffee shop, which funny enough is NOT an Italian word – “

Please, please, please shut up. I don’t care about your life in the first place, and I really don’t care to hear about your vacations that realistically cost the equivalent of 4 months of my salary. Also, you talked about this for 2 weeks before you left and you specifically name dropped where you were going in your OOO message. You are allowed 1 to 3 mentions of it in the first 2 days of work and then we gotta let it go.

Other reprehensible behaviors include complaining about jet lag that no one forced you to suffer from, sighing wistfully in the middle of meetings, and “accidentally” having a full photo album and computer background of vacation pictures up when sharing a screen.  

2. Says “Happy New Year” Way Too Late Into the Year

It’s now been a full week of 2022. We no longer need to open every meeting or email with a Happy New Year or ‘hope you had a good break.’ Also, not to be rude, but it doesn’t count as a joke that you ‘keep writing 2021 on your checks’ or that you’re ‘gonna have to get used to saying 2022!’ Please don’t be wowed by the changing calendar. It’s unbecoming.

Also the type of person to fully dress up for Halloween when it’s not really the vibe at your office

3. Still Scrambling to Catch Up

“Sorry, just getting to this post-holiday craziness!”

“Can we push this deadline to next week? Still working through my inbox.”

“Can someone remind me where we stand on this?”

Ok, love you man, but at some point you’re going to have to do some actual work. Personally, I’m all for full slacker mode, but when it starts to make my life more annoying, that’s when the problems start to arise. If your laziness is makes me work 1% harder, I will personally beat the ever-living piss out of you (not true, poorly disguised threat, i wouldn’t hurt a fly.)

4. Has Resolutions That Make Everyone Else’s Life a Living Hell

5. Deeply Depressed and Experiencing an Existential Crisis

After unplugging for an extended period of time and realizing just how amazing life can be without things like responsibilities or soul-crushing desk jobs, it’s time to come back to reality. Unfortunately for you, this reality is an extremely sad one that’s made even more depressing by your recent experience with a life that was actually enjoyable.

Is life really supposed to be spent hunched over a laptop in a sad one-bedroom apartment for 10 hours a day, stuck on Zoom calls where more important people talk over each other and then assign you tedious and meaningless tasks to complete afterward? Staying up late replying to “urgent” emails about projects that don’t matter to you, better the world, and only make your bosses richer? Spending your 3 hours of free time lying on a couch and bingeing TV shows that you’ll forget about in 2 weeks when you start bingeing another one?

Yes! That’s what life is. Now please go update the project tracker and fill out your timesheets. Nothing could be more important in this world.

Why am I stuck in this upper middle class life with no real problems? Why didn’t I pursue my pottery dreams?

6. Has COVID

From what I can tell on social media, pretty much everyone in the entire world.

Like taking pretty much any sick day when you’re working from home, there’s always a weird level of anxiety or guilt swirling around your head. You start to doubt yourself and just how sick you actually are. Sure, you felt like shit for a day or so but now feel fine and honestly, a little bored quarantining at home. Should you maybe hop online and get through some emails so you’re not totally crushed next week? Maybe start working on that deck you pushed off for months? Hell, why not get a jump on Q1

Wrong, wrong, wrong. The second you send one email, you are opening the floodgates to a shitstorm. Your coworkers will think that you’re back and started bombarding you with stuff you missed the past two days and now you’re stuck working while you’re sick. Trust me, you’ll catch up on everything.

Even if you’re feeling fine, this is your time to fully embrace COVID mode and become the laziest version of yourself. Extend that holiday break one more week and start off the New Year the right way – by  embracing your inner slacker and taking advantage of the goodwill of your colleagues and society as a whole.

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