Work.Retire.Die.

Editor’s Note: Thanks to everyone’s support and 3.5 grueling years of memeing, Work Retire Die hit 100k followers on Instagram. My beloved interns Sam and Tavi have written a blog to celebrate my transition into insufferable F-list celebrity.

Over the past 5 or so years our lovely boss, The Content King (aka Jack to those that know him), has been pumping out perhaps the most top-tier memes, articles, and videos Instagram has ever seen. He didn’t just acquire that nickname…he earned it. And now he has passed a major milestone in his career: 100,000 followers. While this is wildly impressive and bodes well for the franchise, it does beg the question: How will 100k change him? We really do hope all this power and social clout won’t go to his head, but really who’s to say? In this article we’ll take a look at how this social media tycoon’s life will change forever in the coming days.   

Inflated Ego

Ok, let’s get this out of the way first. This is going to certainly inflate Jack’s ego a bit. In the future, we’re going to be hearing a lot more “Do you know who I am?” type statements in public. I mean, there’s only so many people who can say that they are niche internet micro celebrities with 6 figure followers. This fact could work as a great ice breaker at a bar or on a first date. If we’re going to get technical, he is happily engaged. But we’ve recently seen how tremendous wealth and fame have ruined relationships–just look at Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates. Two of the richest people on the planet and yet they can’t keep their wives. Don’t let this follower count go to your head, boss.

Getting Recognized in Public?

Isn’t it every person’s dream to get recognized in public, either for a photo or an autograph? It shouldn’t be much longer before Jack is overwhelmed by his fans. “Are you the Jack Lawler?” they’ll ask longingly, “the guy from the infamous Soup Addiction Hotline video?”

Of course these types of reactions will be welcomed with open arms at first, but it will get old soon. He can’t be taking photos with everyone, it will saturate the market. Moreover, being expected to be hilarious 24/7 can be simply overwhelming. There are times for jokes, but let’s keep those contained to Instagram Reels and YouTube videos. 

As for the autographs, better sharpen up on your John Hancock boss. It is always cool to get a celebrity’s autograph, but nothing sours the moment more than poor penmanship. Of course the reps will add up quickly, but being ready those first few days of major fame is best.        

Expecting More of Interns 

As Jack gain’s more popularity, the quality of content that he expects will also rise with him. With an increased amount of traffic on his pages, viewers will come to expect bigger and better things. In itself, this is not entirely bad. But what is harmful is the potential for this to bleed over to the work of his interns…a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. This will make Jack much more competitive and selective of the content that he is associated with.

But think of the poor interns! They’ll be simply worked into the ground–forced to pump out content like overworked Instagram comedy dairy cows. And their days of creative freedom will be gone forever. Indeed, it would be a cruel injustice to expect more from his interns.

Getting a Netflix Deal

Netflix has been giving out comedy specials like a hooker does sex near Christmas (editor’s note: no clue what this is supposed to mean. Do more people pay for prostitutes near Christmas?). Actually anybody can get one, I think all you have to do is ask. Jeff Foxworthy just got a special – there’s an ad for it where he tells a caller I.D joke. Jeff, you game show hosting hick, it’s not 2003 anymore. Caller I.D jokes aren’t funny. Guess you really aren’t smarter than a 5th grader.

You know who is funny? Jack. Given his extensive experience writing gut busting jokes for sketches, I think the man is ready to take it a step further. And now being a member of the elusive 100,000 followers on Instagram club, it’s time Netflix takes him seriously. We’ve taken the liberty of drafting an email for you to their CEO, Ted Sarandos. 

Dear Ted,

Listen buddy. I’ve got a horse’s head in your bed type offer you can’t refuse. Give me a Netflix special and join me on this epic ride to the top of Hollywood elite. I’ve attached a link to my high school football highlight tape so you can see you’re working with the real deal. Please DM my interns/personal assistants/closest confidants @studypartydie your initial offer for them to review. 

Godspeed,

The Content King     

In all, the rise of @workretiredie’s popularity will certainly change Jack for the worse. It’s inevitable that fame goes to people’s heads and this case is no different. However–as lowly interns–we are hoping he at least makes it big enough to benefit us. Having a famous (and insufferable) boss is only worth it if putting him down as a reference gets you a real job working somewhere cool. But as for now, we are stuck working under the oppressive thumb that is @workretiredie.