Work.Retire.Die.

Hey you lazy fucking asshole. 2021 is almost over and you have accomplished pretty much nothing. You pathetic sack of shit. You should just give up and wait until January to finally fix your sad little life right?

WRONG. There’s still plenty of time to achieve your 2021 goals. I’m gonna go through some of the most common New Year’s Resolutions and show you how to get that shit done in the next 42 days.

How to Still Achieve All those 2021 Goals You Forgot You Made

1. Hitting Your Work Goals

Oh boy. Your manager just dropped a 2021 performance review meeting on your calendar and a cold sweat just came over your entire body. You literally have not done shit this entire year – how are you going to wiggle your way out of this one?

Easily, that’s how. Here’s how you convince your boss you achieved the two main types of goals you’ll have each year.

1. Soft Goals

This is the bullshit like ‘develop project management process’ or ‘regularly maintain data management tool’ or ‘provide weekly updates on financial status to broader management team.’ Chances are, you have kind of done these things throughout the year, but definitely not to the level that would be considered acceptable to your boss.

So what? Just start doing them for the next few weeks. People have horrible memories. It’s the perfect time to start trying and trick your boss into thinking you’ve always been like this.  

2. Performance Based Goals

Sadly you can’t bullshit your way out of everything and you’ll have KPIs or quotas that you’re miles away from achieving.

You have two choices for the next few weeks.

1. Bust your ass and pray for a miracle. (This is the wrong choice.)

2. Start covering your ass now. (This is the right choice.)

Start getting your boss mentally prepared to face the fact that you will not hit your numbers right now. Begin developing real or fake excuses for why it won’t happen (the market, supply chain issues, Bob in Accounting, etc.) Find a scapegoat or someone who’s doing even worse than you to draw attention to. This is a dog eat dog world and not all dogs go to heaven pal.

The point is, you would have loved to hit your goals but you didn’t. And guess what? It’s not your fault (it definitely it.)

Quick aside-  you wouldn’t be in such a bad place if you had done a better job of setting goals. Sure, your company will want you to use the SMART method for setting goals that are Specific, Measureable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-Based. That’s a crock of shit that sets you up for failure.

For 2022, here is the Work Retire Die guide to setting SMART goals.

S – Specific  Slightly Vague  

Easier to convince your boss that you achieved them. Things like ‘improve public speaking’ or ‘launch new initiative leveraging cross functional partners’ are the perfect combination of jargon and true professional goals that allow you to spin the little work you actually did into success stories.

M – Measurable Marketable.

Your goal should help you get hired at a better job. Tell your company you want to learn how to use Photoshop or get Salesforce Certified or some shit. They’ll pay for you to get a certification that you can now put on your resume to get a job at a company that doesn’t actually suck ass.

A – Attainable – Actually Impossible Not to Achieve

The key to happiness in life is low expectations. Set the bar at the floor and hurdle it every time. You’ll find yourself soaring up the corporate ladder and way happier.

R – Relevant   – Right in Your Job Description

You want to set a goal of completing tasks that are essentially just what your job is. You deserve to be congratulated for doing the bare minimum and don’t let anyone tell you differently.

T – Time-Based – Totally Open Ended

The greatest tyrant in human history is the concept of time. Don’t you dare set a deadline on any goal. It’s anti-human.

2. Get in Shape

This is the absolute worst time of year to start getting in shape. You’re going to gorge yourself during Thanksgiving and Christmas and there’s too many parties or travel to start a consistent routine. More importantly, you’re probably not taking your shirt off in public for at least 4-6 months. There’s no point in being in shape if no one can see you.

However, the important thing to remember about goals is you don’t have to achieve them. You just have to try to achieve them and you can still count it as a success.

In that vein, if you really want to feel good about your fitness goals, go ahead and buy a shitload of exercise stuff that you’re never going to use.

Splurge on an expensive gym membership. Get those home weights or exercise band things. Drop several hundred dollars worth of athleisure and new sneakers. Yes, these are style-first purchases but technically it’s workout clothing. Plus, you had to walk downstairs to get the packages AND carry them up to your apartment. That’s exercise.

Even if you just think about buying a Peloton, this still counts as exercise. Be kind to yourself.

3. Read More Books

God are you stupid. In January, you were really on some nerd shit and gave yourself the goal of reading 25 books by the end of the year. You don’t read books at ALL and now you want to read 2 a month? That’s more frequently than you change your bed sheets. Not gonna happen.  

Guess what though? You never specified how long the books have to be.

I’m not suggesting you start reading children’s book. You want to impress people with your knowledge of Important Literature because you are an Important Person with Important Taste. Sadly, you can’t do that by mentioning you just finished the Giving Tree or The Rainbow Fish at a dinner party.

But don’t worry, because it’s time your best friend – this list of best books under 100 pages. You could read this entire list in less time than it takes to finish Dune before you watch the movie (it’s never going to happen, let’s be honest. Just watch the movie.)

Plus, it’s got a lot of novellas in it, which feels so good to say out loud.

4. Save Money

Much like getting in shape, now is NOT the time to start saving up. With the holidays around the corner, you are about to start spending most of your not-that-hard earned money on travelling home, decorations and presents for your family, friends, significant others, and Office Secret Santa. Luckily we’re giving you 10% off on WRD merch with code WRD10 at our store otherwise you’d be fucked.

So yeah, it’s going to be hard. But it’s like JFK said – “We choose to go to the moon, not because it’s easy but because it is hard. Just like my dick every time a woman that’s not my wife enters the room.” Don’t run from challenges people. Or make up quotes. Not cool.

Here’s how you save money during the most expensive time of the year.

Re-gift: Sorry, but most people don’t deserve actual gifts. No one’s gonna know the difference between an expensive present and the free Bluetooth speakers your company gave you for your 10 year anniversary that barely work or a shirt you caught from a t-shirt cannon at the Knicks game.  

Re-finance: By this I mean open up a new credit card. Technically you’re saving money on one of your credit cards by using the new one. Simple math.

Re-turn: Fake your smiles on Christmas when you open that sweater you’re never going to wear. Make sure keep the tags on any and all items. Bring those bad boys right back to the store on December 26^th and you’ll turn a tidy profit. Ummm Jeff Bezos much??

5. Learn a New Skill  

You had high hopes for yourself. This was finally the year you’d learn to master a skill that would help you in your life. You’d become a master coder and make your own app. You’d become a knitting beast and start your own Etsy shop. You’d learn photoshop and start a side hustle selling fake vaccine cards.

It’s too late to learn anything actually useful but it’s NOT too late to pick up a random ass skill that you can impress people with at parties and on road trips.

Easiest skills to learn:

• Get really good at shuffling cards
• Play one song on the harmonica
  • A harmonica costs $12.99 on Amazon. Yes, it will be annoying for your roommates to listen to you learn Hot Cross Buns on the harmonica, but fuck your roommates. They should pull more of their weight around the apartment if they want to have a say in your quest towards personal fulfillment.
• Whistling with your fingers very loudly
• 1 Yo-Yo trick
• Master a really specific area of law
  • Lawyering is very easy. You just memorize all the rules in the rulebook and recite them to the judge. Save yourself some time, skip law school and spend the better part of a Sunday afternoon memorizing just 1 law. The more obscure the better so no one can actually fact check you on it. Wow your friends at the next party by reciting in detail how it’s actually illegal to enforce zoning permit violations after an 11 month grace period in most NY counties. Nothing could be more fulfilling.  
• Something to do with fidget spinners

6. Look for a New Job

LOOK for a new job does not mean you have to GET a new job.

The following things count as job search activities.

• Adding one bullet to your resume
• Changing your LinkedIn headshot because you randomly had a sick photo taken of you at your friend’s wedding.
• Network with old coworkers by replying to their story with a crying laughing emoji.
• Going to a happy hour with your friend who happens to work in recruiting.
• Hearting a job listing on Indeed.
• Making a Glassdoor account so you can see if your coworkers make more than you.
• Applying to be on the Bachelor.

7. Move on from Your Ex

If we’ve learned anything from Taylor Swift this past week, this is a completely worthless goal. Why move on when you can lean even harder into a break up from 10 years ago? Who cares that it was just a 3-month fling when you were in your 20s? There is absolutely no reason to move on from anything, ever, no matter what.

8. Learn a Different Language

No one said you have to be fluent. If you only learn a few words, you technically still learned the language. You’re multi-cultural as fuck and no one can take that away from you.

Here’s the quickest way to learn a new language in the next 40 days.

1. Pick a language no one else speaks. That way, everyone will just have to believe that the gibberish you are speaking is a local language from the far reaches of the former Ottoman Empire.

2. The best way to truly learn a language is to immerse yourself completely in it. Watch The Office, New Girl, Parks and Rec (or other show you’ve seen a billion time) in that language with English subtitles. This is exactly how I learned 3 words of Korean bingeing Squid Games.

3. Get Dualingo and listen to it while you clean your apartment. Really piss off your roommates by loudly enunciating every word. Remember, there is no point to learning another language if other people don’t know about it. And honestly, they really need to do a better job of emptying the dishwasher when it’s clean instead of just taking one plate or cup out as they need it. It’s fucked up.