Work.Retire.Die.

Congrats everyone. You made it through Thanksgiving and it’s time for the most glorious time of the year – the 5 weeks in between today and New Year’s, officially known as mail-it-in season. Budgets have been spent, campaigns have been planned, everyone’s on vacation and no one’s really hiring. It’s borderline illegal to do any real work these next few weeks and anyone who forces you to is capitalist scum and in contention for try-hard of the year.

To help you get through this time period, we put together some Dos and Don’ts to maximize your leisure while making sure you don’t fall behind in this little thing we call life.

Do’s and Don’t for Mail It In Season

Do: Push every single important meeting and decision off as long as you can.

You’ve been training for this all year long. It’s time to put all your avoidance techniques to work and make sure that you push off every tasks that requires actual brain focus to 2021.

Here are some good email phrase to utilize to ensure you don’t have to do any actual work.

• “Sounds great! The team is focused on finishing out the holiday season, but would love to touch base on this in the New Year.”
• “2021 budgets have already been spent but this definitely seems like a great opportunity for 2022.”
• “Schedules are a little wonky with folks taking off this week – let’s push to Jan and see where we are then.”
• “I am out of the office now through the New Year. Please reach out to (insert name) for any immediate needs.”

Don’t: Be a try hard

We get it man. This is ‘the most important time of the year’ and a ‘great opportunity to finish the quarter strong.’ With all due respect, can you please shut the fuck up?

This especially applies to Mondays, which now more than ever, are a sacred time for easing into the week. I have long been a proponent of Winter Mondays and believe in observing them from late September through early March.

If you’re setting up meetings on a Monday or following up on items that were due at the end of last week to ‘see what the status is’ you’re just being a dick.

Do: Take Care of Your Personal Affairs

It’s the perfect time to use company time to get your life together. Here are some of the things you can be doing while getting paid more than you deserve.

• Christmas Shopping
  • I’ve never actually done it, but I imagine it feels incredible to get all your Holiday shopping done early (hit up our shop for 20% off today with promo code WORKSUCKS for all your office Secret Santa needs.)
• Set up doctor’s appointments
  • Use up all your HSA and flex spending dollars while you still can. Notice I didn’t say dentist appointment. I don’t believe in dentists or flossing. Just brush your teeth like a normal person and don’t give your hard earned money to a tooth doctor.
• Clean out your apartment and closet space
  • Again, not something I’ve every truly done but a man can dream.
• Make goals for next year
  • This is dangerously close to try-hard territory, but I’m a firm believe in New Year’s Goals vs. resolutions.
  • Pro Tip – Stick to 1 or 2 big goals. 3 Max. Anything more is just dumb and you’re not going to do it. Keep them high level. Don’t get too specific. This way you can convince yourself you’re actually doing them.

• Cleanse your inbox and social media feeds
  • Unsubscribe from all the newsletters, brands and people that don’t bring you joy.
  • Make sure you subscribe to ours though.

Don’t: Take Unnecessary vacation

Contrary to popular belief, I disagree with taking vacation during these few weeks. There’s absolutely nothing to do at the office, so why waste vacation?

Heavy asterisk – if you cannot roll over vacation, you should ABSOLUTELY take all your days. Milk everything you can from your corporate masters.

Do: Make it seem like you did work this year

We covered this last week, but take a look at your 2021 goals that you made earlier in the year. If there’s anything you haven’t done on that list, you need to fix that ASAP. Send a few emails, make a half-assed deck and set up one meeting so it looks like you tried to accomplish it. Boom – instant promotion.

Don’t: Exercise or Diet

Literally no point. No one’s going to see you for months so just wait until 2021 to get in shape. We are team Jacked by June on this blog so ideally you will want to start thinking about exercising in February and actually begin the process in late April/never. If you accept that now, you’ll save yourself a lot of heartbreak.

Do: Convince your family you’re doing fine

Oh you’re actually doing fine? Wake up every day with a smile on your face, ready to attack the world? Congrats weirdass. Get off my blog and go read the Wall Street Journal or something. You make me sick.

Whether you moved back with your parents during COVID, are heading home to stay with them through the holidays or are dreading the countless Zoom calls, this time of year is ripe for questions about your future. Here are some tactics for tricking your loved ones into thinking you have it all figured out.

• Call it out before they do
  • Think of this as an elevator pitch for your flaws. Here’s how you handle the questions for a few scenarios, whether it’s from your parents or other prying relatives.
    • Your job is bullshit: “It’s not what I want to do with my career, but it’s been great to get experience. I’m learning a lot about what I don’t like.”
    • Still single: “You know I respect this family too much to bring someone home who isn’t perfect.”
    • Living at home: “My parents needed someone around the house for tech support. And what restaurant can beat my mom’s cooking!!” *Cue audience laughter*
• Smile and Nod
  • Most of your family doesn’t really care how you’re doing. They just need a few sentences to tide them over until next Christmas and be sure that you’re not like headed to jail or anything.
  • Get it over with as soon as possible. Just tell them exactly what they want to hear and nod along to their advice. It’s ok to swallow your pride.
• Look Over Here
  • Sometimes people just won’t shut up. You need to get them off your back.
  • Distract them with someone else who is doing even worse than you. Most people have one or two cousins or siblings that you can divert the focus to. If you’re the black sheep and everyone else is super successful, you may be in trouble. I’d recommend sabotaging someone else’s career if possible.